New here, really need advice

[AMartin]

Now, I want to point out something that you stated at the end of your last posting...you are trying to make the changes that he has pointed out. What were those changes and did they make sense? The reason that I am asking is that MLCers tend to point out things that we need to change and those changes are like moving targets. Once you've made those changes, he/she will come up w/new ones, etc. Make changes for YOU! If you are happy w/the changes you are making in your life, then good...but be sure you are happy w/them.

Job-

At first, after H dropped the bomb, I kinda went more than a little nuts, trying to do everything I thought I should've been doing, that if I had been a better, healthier wife this wouldn't have happened. My mother pointed out to me that I was taking all the responsibility for everything, my health, the hit to our finances, all of the housework I'd been unable to do, H's feelings are so suppressed most of the time that he couldn't see how much he was blaming me for everything. So I took a step back, and tried to see what was valid and what wasn't. Those are the things I'm working on.

[job]

Amy,

Jumping through hoops and trying to do everything he says or points out is called pretzeling. The harder you try to fix everything he points out, the more he'll find for you to do and guess what? The list will go on and on.

Each person needs to own their 50% of the breakdown of the marriage and that means you don't take on his share. He should have been talking to you all along if he was that unhappy. He didn't do that or you would have known long before the bomb drop. I want you to understand that if he was going to have a crisis, there was nothing you could do to stop it. The crisis was set up a very long time ago, back many years ago and your h now needs to grow up. His coping skills are limited and he doesn't understand how to get the help he needs and to truly do the difficult and necessary hard work to overcome many of the obstacles that he thinks are in his way. Leave him to it. You are not his mother and he will need to learn how to navigate life's path in order to grow up.

For now, keep the focus on you and your family. That is what is important.

[AMartin]

Job -

It did take me a few months to stop 'pretzeling.' I identified several things that I thought were actually valid, and have been working on them.

Last night, I went home to take my dog to the vet. I thought H would be out playing golf, his Tues night league. I got home from the vet and he was there. I told him what the vet said; there's a tumor growing on my dog's leg that needs to be removed ASAP. He asked me if I wanted to get some dinner. I agreed. I probably shouldn't have, but I did. We went, and talked mainly about meaningless stuff. Some stuff about moving our son up to Chicago in a few weeks. When we got back, H booted up his work laptop, and basically ignored me again. So I just left and went back to my house sitting.

I called him later, about 11:30pm. I was so upset, I just couldn't stand it anymore. So I told him that I couldn't do this. That I'd be civil if our son was around, but other than that, nothing. I will not be just friends. If we split, that's it. No contact except what's necessary for S's stability. I asked him what he was thinking. He said he was very upset, that things were getting out of control and too real. He's afraid, and doesn't think he wants to separate. He wanted to talk to his mother, and did I want to meet to talk tomorrow night?
I said no, Thursday night.

He's just now feeling like things are too real? Seriously? The marriage counselor we were seeing told me that I should go off and leave him for a week, to let it really sink in what it would be like without me. She thought he needed to be shocked. I'm not getting my hopes up at all yet.

A

[job]

I'm sorry things went "south" last evening. Did he show any concern for your dog? If you can afford to take are of the dog, please have the tumor removed to ensure your dog's quality of life continues. Hopefully it is nothing, but you never know w/such things.

At least you've laid out on the table how you feel. Now, the ball is in his court to get it together or not. I find it very interesting that he needs to talk to his mother about the situation. Isn't he a grown man or has he completely retreated back to being a little boy that needs his mother's approval/guidance to do something about his marriage? That comment was very interesting.

Actually, he needs to be left on his own to figure things out. LOL!

[AMartin]

Job -
Oh, yes, he was very concerned about her. We're having it removed the week after we move our son in to his dorm. She's had it for a while, but it started growing very quickly last month. Effie's only 2, the cutest little Shih Tzu. I'd just about lose it if anything happened to her right now, on top of everything else.

H's the type of person who thinks out loud. He always wants to talk over all the options, so it does t surprise me that he wants to talk to his mom. I don't know why. She can't make decisions either. Sigh.