I am actually surprised at myself for how I am not worried about this job opportunity. Yes, it makes for a huge departure of our path as the expected start day is later this month and at the other coast of the US but ultimately, she deserves this opportunity. It pays really well, fits her qualifications rather than her being overqualified.
I will start thinking harder about options once she actually gets the job offered but we did briefly discuss it last night. She said matter-of-factly that I can stay here a year and then come next year (we have a house to sell after all). Our friend was there. She may have wanted to pretend in front of that friend but I do think her being empowered has helped her realize I am not so much the problem. And in fact, I do seem to apparently care about her and want her to succeed. She seemed surprised at that early on and now is accepting that it may be real.
The irony is, I have been asked to chair our department and this would offer a nice pay increase and would make me very marketable to move away. But at the end of the day regardless of our sitch, a lot of professional couples deal with this where one person may get a job offer that works and is ideal and the other may have to leave a good opportunity or sacrifice. The chair position is for 3 years and I have always felt we would have to move from Florida in the next three years. My plan was to do the chair 1 or 2 years and then move.
My W was thrilled I was so supportive and I wasn't faking it. I was always supportive of her goals but my focus is on the financial details which matter but my W needs to feel like I support her. She hugged me tightly when I said I was proud of her for getting this interview and she said "thank you, that is all I ever wanted to hear from you". So yes, small things that were not intended caused huge pain sadness and resentment. She also called me up IMMEDIATELY after she saw the email before even reading the specifics.
In many ways if she would get this job, she can get a huge discount at that place for doing her PhD and it would reduce the burden on me to provide for us financially. This allows me to pursue a wider range of jobs some of which are perhaps paying less but are more meaningful. I joked how I would just go wash dishes and she said well don't do that. But part of me DOES want to consider just going.
But let's not jump ahead.
As an aside. Earlier in the year she did say that she was hoping she would get a job and then just be able to move on from me. So that is the dark thought that every now and then arises that she is just biding her time. But she is making genuine efforts. Now I had a real moment to test my gut feeling. Now that she has the interview she perhaps could drop the act. Instead she went a step further. Last night we were cooking and in the past I felt she snapped at me for not doing something right. She kind of did yesterday and I said that's not nice and I walked away. Didn't yell. Didn't cry. Didn't accuse. Didn't slam doors. Just calmly walked away. She immediately followed and apologized and said she fell in old habits and how she wants to blame someone else. Her facial expression looked pained. I trust her. She didn't have to do that. She could have simply been upset that I walked away etc.
But she told me later that night how she felt like she has been imprisoned on this campus (and her two former bosses are sociopaths and liars and frauds...seriously there is a Lifetime movie in this) and she finally feels like she can escape. She was smiling at me being encouraging and how her friends are encouraging so I am just glad that for this moment (her very first job interview that is not local and something she really wants) I was there supportive of her. I have missed big moments and messed up in my approach.
Am I not worried at all? Maybe a little. But we don't have a future if she isn't happy in her work/living situation. I always told her that I dragged her over the country twice now for my career and the next move she could decide as I wanted her to finally be able to do what she wants/needs. The Pacific Northwest (that is the region we are talking about) is beautiful and would hit most of what we both enjoy: nature, actual community engagement, culture.... I was hoping for more racial diversity).
Oh right. The counseling session went alright. We discussed a lot of the empowerment things W did. And we went over breaking out of thinking patterns: so very useful. That is perhaps the only real loss if W leaves at the end of this month that we perhaps stop these amazingly powerful resources. On the other hand, W can get actual space (I am not worried she is going to be dating all these men. I am not dismissing that possibility either.)
