I do agree its the anger that makes healing so difficult.
I'm a bit like you in the sense that I find comfort in research and analysis. I started a list of restored marriages, just to see what things they had in common. Not from this forum.
This is what I've found:
1. The WS has to be repentant. Not just sorry they got caught, but remorseful for the pain they've caused. I think this is what ensures they won't do it again.
2. The WS is the one who comes back to the marriage and actively tries to engage the LBS. Probably prompted by 1.
The LBS adopted various stances - from loving encouragement (but not pursuit) to no contact. In all cases they were civil to openly affectionate. There was one case (look up Scruggs) where the LBH was borderline hostile/angry, and recovery took 7 years in that instance.
In the situations where the LBS and WS successfully reconciled (AFTER WS came cap in hand, asking for forgiveness), there was little evidence of anger.
Stands to reason if you can get rid of your anger, you get rid of your major road block to recovery.
The Christian model emphasizes forgiveness. Even if WH is unrepentant, you should, must even, forgive him. Forgiveness doesn't mean reconciliation.
Forgiveness, authentic forgiveness, I think, means the dismissal of anger. I think you will continue to experience anger, but whether you express it or make any decisions based on it (like leaving the marriage), is a separate issue. In a lot of the cases I read about, the LBS stated they didn't feel anger, but in these cases they were heavily heavily propped up by their faith and rationalized their WS behaviour as being instigated by the devil. Hence their anger is directed at the devil only, not their WS who is viewed as an innocent taken captive by dark forces.
Maybe this is what you're struggling with - you can't forgive him?
I read somewhere that forgiveness means really, to GIVE like you did beFORE.
I don't know if I can forgive WH, but my need to address this is less urgent as he's not in my life.
