I think the rules are also about what it is YOU want and need. And if it is too much for you than you are entitled to do what you want to do.
Either way...it definitely sounds the more you detach the safer and healthier for you. It might lure her back but it seems you have this vicious cycle where she reaches out and then immediately gets scared and withdraws. I have seen some of that early on with W and she still has moments where I think she is doing it but the pattern has been less dysfunctional.
