Finding my way out of the dark - Part 3

[Holding]

Thanks, doodler! I needed a little pick me up! You're always good for that.

Feeling kind of meh today. I just wish this would all be over. I want to get on with my life.

It used to be that I was so filled with hope at the beginning after BD. I call this immediate post-BD phase "re-limerance" - I would have probably done anything to get W back in the first two weeks. I wanted her back so bad, and I'd go crazy with happiness when she threw me the smallest bone. But over time the hope receded, as the bones got fewer and fewer, and now there's just a small part of me (like 1%) that occasionally asks "what if". I want that part to shut up. I need to learn to just ignore it. I think if I keep feeding that small part, it'll go on "holding" me back.

What's so hard about all this is that one of my issues in the MR was being emotionally closed off. After BD I did my fair share of soul searching, like we all do, and realized there was a whole emotional side of me that I want to develop and nurture. But now I can't do that with W. I've been doing it with friends, and I've been doing it with my kids, but it's not the same. I want that deep connection that comes from a R with someone special. I wonder if this makes me co-dependent.

Maybe there's just a hole in my heart that needs to be filled. Looks like I have a lot of growing to do.