As to her being afraid of your anger. This took me a long time to accept responsibility for me. But I am a tall guy, I am bigger, I am physically imposing, and when I get excited (both positive or negative) my voice increases volume. I would never really hurt anyone (although I have crossed the boundaries in the past with what I DID do and my defense was always well I had to defend myself against you...which isn't true but that's in the past).
The last time my W was really afraid was several weeks ago and that is when I finally accepted her feelings because I put myself in her shoes. I wasn't going to hurt her but she felt scared. It had to do with OM why I was mad but I also accepted that this has been something she had been trying to tell me for years how I act in these situations. She said she would go to a hotel. She apparently texted a mutual friend to see if that person was awake and could pick her up. So when I recognized the pattern I stopped doing what I normally do: follow her, open the door, ask her to speak with me. Instead I said something like: I don't want you to be afraid but know that I will walk away because we need some space. Some time passed, her door opened, and we were in the same space. I think that was a powerful moment. But because W was so afraid it did influence the subsequent days. It's why I decided to not get so worked up again, to drop talking about OM, to recognize she DOES feel trapped, that OM is the only person she knows that has no connection to me.
If my sitch improved it's because I made those changes. It's still fragile. My W called what happened last week a meltdown on my part but I wasn't quite at that emotional level from weeks ago. But I thought about it and recognized that my W had legitimate fears and that won't easily go away.
So if your W has said over the years similar things trust her and even if you aren't angry or was going to become violent validate her feelings. It may help. Now my W never called the cops.
The best action is to not give her any new data to her perception of you as scary or angry. This is incredibly hard. But also your time with D will also give a track record on how your D describes you to W.
