No you hit it on the head. I do that A LOT. She says something that is about herself that seems like she is insulting herself or criticizing it and I say: no, you're smart, beautiful, whatever and she told me over the years that that feels invalidating to her. I never understood what she meant by that until I recently started to just listen and validate and notice a physical difference in her demeanor towards me.
She did actually seem to appreciate it this morning when I said that I really liked how she recognized that her medical issues play a role but that I don't see it as sacrificing myself. She said she was really happy to hear that. Over the years she called herself a broken model wife. And because I do think it DID influence my lack of wanting to do things when she suggests it I brought it up.
But your overall point is true. And if there is anything I have learned these past few weeks is basically shifting my response to what I think I need to do to basically focus on listening to her. And asking questions about what she just said and how it made her feel OR to sum it up like "so if I am understanding you right, to you it feels like your hard work isn't recognized".
Something else I am working on controlling more is recognizing that when I get enthusiastic about something she says and offer ideas she has or basically I want to tell her that she can easily achieve her goals and I basically take away the moment from her where she feels pressure about the 10 other steps she needs to take. I saw this always as me being supportive and I still too often flip to that mode but I can more easily catch myself before I say it. It's insane how my W and I really do want the same things but what it is we need from the other is fundamentally different.
It's very fragile. But despite her saying she isn't committed to making the marriage work. She hasn't really said she isn't committed either but of course I stopped asking that question and the MC kind of phrased it that way and W simply nodded and didn't bring up afterwards how she isn't quite there yet. Her actions tell me she is committed to working on the MR but she cannot fully do it because of all these other things SHE needs to work on.
And because all of that is a lot: I want her to stop feeling stressed and anxious and angry and resentful towards others and I went about it the wrong way. So I am really appreciative of any time I have left with my W before we decide what to do with the MR. It has given me an opportunity to show her that I finally do recognize what it is I need to be doing and what she needs from me. She has seen a different person since April and she has slowly come around step by step.
