Had another interesting day yesterday. I have mentioned before how one of my issues was my own resentment and at times anger aimed at W for not appreciating what I do for her and how her medical issues have sort of influenced a lot of what we experienced. In my own journey to being a better person I came to recognize that it wasn't so much that she didn't appreciate it but she felt left out of the process. BUT the underlying resentment was still there... I thought "does she REALLY not see how the medical issues affected us"? Like I don't feel like I am sacrificing much because I want her to feel well and there is enough fun things to do at home. But I have had to turn down requests to hang out with people or I had to rearrange my schedule to drive her to doctors. And of course those things cost money so I didn't always express myself well and said: it's too expensive.
Yesterday, W was having a massive migraine from the clouds... she was a little cranky but I essentially just drove her home not really talking. When we got home and we were waiting for a friend to come over and I was looking for something she walked in and gave me a big hug and said she appreciates me so much and how she realizes that I made a lot of sacrifices when she isn't feeling well.
Those words meant a lot. She doesn't need to say those things but every now and then it just is nice to be appreciated.
I told her that I really don't see it as a sacrifice because I love being around her and I want her to feel well enough etc. But then I decided to add something else: and I said how for very long in our R I focused on her health issues and perhaps didn't always recognize that when she is feeling great that she wants to go do things and explore. She nodded and said thanks for saying that and how she mentioned my sacrifice as she said "you probably can relate to that".
It's moments like this where it feels we are sort of piecing things together. We are not fully there yet..but we are learning what the other person needs and we are learning how we can best communicate that to the other.
I appreciate that chance and opportunity. It may end in divorce but at least there is a real attempt. The more my W pursues self empowering moves the less stressed she seems as well.
