Infidelity/WAH, my story pt 10

[PsySara]

OwnIt,
I'm going to generalize here but in my experience (anecdotal at best) it looks as if the male doctors are more prone to the narcissistic nature. The affairs I've read about are primarily the male doctor cheating with a female nurse. There was one case where the wife was a doctor and the husband was a SAHD and she cheated with a patient. But in the grand scheme I would say quite a few doctors are initially attracted to the field because of the built in adulation.

Thank you ForGump.

Stormchaser,
Thank you so much for your insight and experience, it helps me to realize I am not alone in this...kinda piecing? I have to remind myself that my WH spent decades practicing bad boundaries and avoidance so it's not like it's going to turn on it's head and change overnight. But sometimes I have to keep from putting a pillow on his head in his sleep, lol. My DB coach told me something once that has really stuck in my head. He said that anger is an unauthentic emotions, that it covers another scarier emotion like anger or fear. So when you WW reacted to your "snooping" by becoming angry it was likely a cover to deep fear that she was going to be "abandoned." My WH often feels my boundaries are me being "controlling" when I am telling him he us free to do as he pleases but I will not remain in this marriage if he crosses my boundaries. This isn't controlling as I am not trying to prevent his behavior but rather protecting myself from further injury.


Ginger,
Once I read a comparison between a Harry Potter character and a wayward spouse. Apparently there is a character in HP that has managed to store his soul in separate compartments so as to not feel the immense damage and pain he has caused others. If he reunites these parts of himself then he will fully feel the devastation he has wrought over the years. A cheater is like this, the courage to face the devastation they've caused the person they were supposed to shelter and protect is immense. Some simply can't pull their soul back together and face it, the pain would be crippling. So they continue to compartmentalize and express anger instead of turning inward and really examining their flaws.

So about two weeks ago WH and I had a huge blowup where I basically said I was sick of the state of our marriage. I told him I was DONE, that I was tired of feeling like the one who nuked our marriage and I had to "make up" for the shortcomings. I told him if he felt I was to blame for his cheating then he needed to leave. Initially WH was angry and hard, I told him again I was so done. I never pictured my life being this way and my marriage being this sh*tty. I wanted to be free of it, as I had put in an enormous amount of effort and felt nothing from him.

He was quiet for a moment then started talking very slowly and gently. He said he obviously hurt me very deeply and he didn't realize how seriously I was injured. He told me he knows I have changed hugely and how he feels I am his most precious part of his life. He apologized and said he would start working hard for this marriage. He requested that any time I am hurt or angry to bring it up immediately. We talked about 2 hours and later held each other. I cried a little and so did he.

Since then he has been attentive and constantly telling me how much I mean to him. I am still irritated and angry inside. I remind myself that I am likely covering the trauma and pain with anger because that is a safe emotion. I am not even sure what I want to get from him. He does ask me every day if there is something he can do for me. For now I simply tell him nothing as he doesn't own a time machine to go back and change everything. And that is a huge problem. I can never undo the immense amount of betrayal and deception he did. I can never get back the innocence of believing we were soul mates and we were made only for each other. There is a verse in the Quran that states "He created us in pairs" and I wanted that engraved in our wedding rings. It felt special as if we were made specifically for each other. I don't think I will ever be able to feel that way again, and that...breaks my heart. So I am kind of stuck right now, I appear to have a WH who is working toward remorse but now I am questioning if I can move forward from this or remain stuck.