25yearsMLC - 10 yrs Later I File D (pt 5)

[25yearsmlc]

25, wrt your niece and her fiancé, I'll just say, their attitude is not unusual nor limited to their age. I meet with people of all ages to talk about finances and NONE of them, even those with close relatives who've had sickness or injury or death or unemployment get in the way of their happily-ever-afters don't believe it could happen to them.

I hear you. Yet I know that the day I got married, I had already thought out that if h were hit by a car and paralyzed, I'd be okay wiping his rear end the rest of our life together. I meant it. I am nothing if not loyal.

But do most people envision things so literally? Probably not.


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What I'm trying to say is... maybe it's the idea of the wedding itself that's troubling you, because the couple's attitude is the same as what all our attitudes were as our weddings approached. Life could not be bearable if we looked ahead to what "For better or worse, in sickness or health" really means, or the ways it could break us. We'd never take a step into the unknown if we thought like that in those moments.


Again, I hear what you are saying. I think it's THIS ^^ specific couple, b/c I am attending 3 (yes, three) weddings this year, all of nieces. This is the only one I feel this way about.

It pains me to say it, but I'm not crazy about the guy she's marrying. I have not heard anything more than "he's okay" from any other family member other than my nieces parents.

He was drunk at my mom's wake, and that whole weekend I don't think he asked a single question of any family member (that's a lot of people to not give a $hit about. I'm one of 9, with 34 related nieces/nephews).

So it is ex sil - my niece's mother, whom I love, saying he's a good guy. I will have to trust her.

You know what, Maybell? I think it's a form of resentment/jealous or me whining about how unfair life is. Like I think "it'll be so easy for THEM", which is not something I'm proud of feeling.


Hmm, ^^^that is some bitter food for thought, but I WILL rid myself of that garbage. Not joy inspiring.

Moving on...


And that being said, they may not be prepared now, but perhaps they'll rise to the challenge. Mr. Fantastic's sister and best friend married each other at 21 and 23. This year will be 20 years for them (as it would have been for us) and they are VERY happy together... in spite of the fact that shortly after their twins were born 14 years ago, she developed a moderately crippling and disfiguring disease. You wouldn't have thought from looking at them that they were particularly prepared for the challenges they've faced together but they are clearly a team.

That's a very fair point. One of my closest friends is enduring a hideous random lung disease that will ultimately be fatal for her. (Double lung transplant surgery, and for which she is slowly losing the battle of rejection).

She was a fun shallow PARTY girl in high school and college. Honestly, I'm surprised she has shown such resilience. I never would have chosen HER to be this strong, though I loved her.

She's done way more bouncing back from physical crap, back UP with a smile,

than I expected.

You make a good point. We cannot tell from the outside. Which is a good reminder for us in other situations, eh?


You've been doing beautifully but I wonder if you're not trying to untangle the skein a little bit these last few days. I don't want to rush your process but it might be worthwhile to consider that. You're being treated abominably and your tunnel is pretty dark at the moment (like T384's) but you also have the advantage of knowing with more certainty that the light is there. Try to keep your eye on that. This WILL end at some point.


Correct on both points. I need more structure than I have in my life right now, and it gets overwhelming at times. A job is key.

I am trying to take your advice about getting A job, without it having to be THE job. Get one and use it for finding another if needed. I'm doing better at it.

Yes I have professional regrets. I try to remind myself of what my T said, which is "regrets are very unproductive. Learn and move on."

I value time with my kids and I got it. Lived in a lovely area of the country with a large house and pool, being a SAHM. Case closed. (Where is that glass of STFU soda?)


As for the dark stuff...in some ways I feel as if I am bottoming out - and even as I write that, I fear that I have not.

(God, can it get lower? Damn, YES IT CAN...)

But when I separate the financial fears from the rest of my life's concerns and goals, - no small feat but achievable, then I'm doing pretty well. Honestly, pretty darn well. I am not saddled with a critical narcissist and that's liberating. Scary and maddening b/c of the time wasted, but still freeing now. And NOW is all we have.

I feel much better when I imagine my life on the other side of this AND take at least one step towards that vision, each day.
Short term goal should be to do ^^that.

(= A step each day towards a job or professional goal, GAL, medical healing item, etc)



And you may not be a wife, or a daughter-in-law anymore, but you are still a mother, a sister, a friend, a neighbor, an aunt, and eventually will add colleague and other roles to your list as well. Maybe even wife, again. Who knows? Are you a grandmother yet?


Not a grandmother yet. Looking forward to it.

I think the comments I made about loss of roles was more a retrospective analysis of what has changed in my life. (Rumination on my part, which I don't want to keep doing).

I struggle with feeling like OW has "won" the life I deserved. For which I sacrificed so much time and delayed gratification, etc.

As if she won the pick me dance, even though in my head I know h was a jerk before he met her.

His desire to move to Alaska, AGAIN for himself ("just 'cause" - as in, 'cause he WANTED to and HE doesn't need a reason, ---)

was happening before he met OW, w/whom he could feather his soon to be new nest. H really cannot be alone.

I hear of the "selling" h is doing for his OW to our children whom h dropped like grenades as soon as they did not support his choices like his new fanbase does.

Our kids did not care about how great the new OW is and how NOW HE "is so happy" and his trying to hook others into his scenario.

So there's NO contact with our kids and h. How can any OW trust that?

I have met men who say they are "separated" and ask me out. I always ask them if their wives know they are separated. If they are actually in div proceedings, I ask them to call me when they are free to date. No drama, thanks.

(Wouldn't it $uck to find out You were the OW??)

So how can she know AND feel fine about being the rebound for a guy right out of a long term m, AND who neglects/disses his own 3 kids?

Does she REALLY believe I "turned the kids against" him, (which I have to assume he says, b/c otherwise he just doesn't see his kids for a year?) And btw, They are adults...so they are not that easy to brainwash.

it'd be a red flag to me and I would not engage. Of course, he is a DOCTOR!!!!...and she is an OW, so there's that.

He is a cluster B, and I spent two thirds of my life with him. Ugh...

No, I do not stalk him or OW at all, so far. That's one thing I've done to help myself.

My real regret? (I mean, this hour's regret?)

Atm, It's the time I spent with him feeling so unsure of myself. The itchy sweater parts in which I wondered "what is going on, am I crazy?? This seems so unfair, but HE says I just don't get it because...blah blah blah" so many years of not being IN a real marriage, but thinking I was.

There are some huge chunks of cognitive dissonance in h's world. He can maintain a double life for years, evidently. And I turned the other way. I chose not to see.
UGH X 100!


I read that "Divorce is like open heart surgery emotionally. The most frequent mistake is not allowing ourselves enough time to recover."

This^^ is true.



You've lost a couple of labels but they weren't all of you. And you're still a daughter, just as your children will always be your children. Just the roles evolve, as they are meant to, because life is change.


yes life is change. And in all lives, there is loss. Seems simple, but we don't really take that in, ya know?

One other thing that you've always been for me is Wise Woman. When I was going through my darkest times, reading your posts always gave me a sense of calm and excitement for the future that helped carry me through. Because of you, I decided to make 2014 my Year of Yes and I can't tell you how much richer and more fun my life has been because of it. Thank you for that.

thank you. I needed to hear this today. Tonight I'm going to a DivorceCare group. It's real life and it's nation wide if not international. They are FUN and smart and professional and kind people.

Next week is my 36th wedding anniversary. I am choosing to spend it with my DivorceCare group rather than family and close (married) friends.

it's a new group of friends in my life, and while I'm surrounded by childhood friends and family, I don't want to bring them down and I don't want to have to "act" any certain way. I don't know how next week will feel. (Um, no I won't be texting h "happy anniversary").

They get it. I'm grateful.


(Potential humor exists in "what to get h for our anniversary" contests...hmm, must ponder).


Last thing: I was a CPA before kids, and spent several years out of the workforce being a SAHM. I regret that now, professionally, but also, I don't. Because if I'd stayed pigeon-holed in the CPA career, which I never especially enjoyed, I would not be out taking scary risks now. -

When you're ready to find a job, don't put a ton of pressure on yourself to find the Right job. Just find something that is kind of GAL for you, and get back out there. Use it as a stepping stone for the next thing and you'll be OK. Maybe not where you intended to be, but you'll find the right thing over time. There's no point in spending any more time on professional regrets. Just start from where you are.



I hope this is helpful -- I would like to be able to think (selfishly) that I'm able to return some of the calm and reassurance you gave me when all I wanted to do was scream. You're doing awesome. The fact he doesn't have an ice pick sticking out of his head shows what a wonderfully gracious woman you are.

Take care, 25, and HUGS.

((( it's helpful )))