I understand. Naive? Not sure it's naive. Hopeful is how I'd characterize it. And I don't think it will work.
Pragmatic, not defeatist. Realist, not defeatist. As for it being an excuse, only you can answer this honestly. This process is painful and very difficult. Go easy on yourself. xoxoxo
Originally Posted By: FightOn}aybe me being silent and just not responding is a positive step in the right direction. I am learning restraint - the first step toward learning to respond, not react.
Or am I just being a chicken? Being a chicken would be just giving up. Afraid to change.
Part of me wants to approach H and set a date and time to discuss the particulars (then during the meeting just sit back and let him do the talking, then tell him I need to think about what he has said).
But another part of me thinks I should let him make the effort. This is what HE wants, then he needs to do all the work. That is the approach suggested by many on these boards. My issue with this approach is that meanwhile, he cuts me down. Mentally, I find myself having to fight the urge to verbally joust with him. Then I feel frustrated because I cannot say what is truly on my mind. I am left defenseless.
Oh my. That is it!!!! I feel defenseless. Just like I did when my mother would go on one of her tirades and beat me.
Wowzers. I am recreating that old dynamic with my mother. [/quote
This is your chance to break that pattern for good by speaking directly to that little girl and letting her know you've got this and you're going to try a different way. There's another way to look at this: By saying nothing and not engaging you are actually gaining strength. It's counter-intuitive but true. AND if it's a 180 for you, it makes them NUTS. (on a day when you may not be feeling saintly, that's not a bad thing) This is your "AHA" moment of the day. Pause and let it sink in for a moment, just a moment, and realize how much you've grown to realize this! Congratulations!
Let him do the work; this is his divorce.
[Quote=FighOn]I need to keep my focus on this as a learning experience. I have things I need to learn.
Look at my signature.
Posting this was a good first step. I think you're on to something. I think your instincts are sound. Keep the focus on you and your side of the street. Let him handle the divorce. Most of all, this gives you the time and space to really think about what it is you want most, what is most important to you. And it may be more than just custody time. As this continues, other things may become important as well. Reacting is always from a place of weakness. I'm glad you recognize this.
When you want to react, come here and post instead. xoxoxoxo Hope this helped.
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
