Still here. Still not detached...

[Chris73]

New thread time. I've wanted to change the title of my current thread for a while now, but decided to wait until I reached the 10-page mark.

Before starting this thread, I went back and read some of my previous threads and I'm absolutely flabbergasted by the amount of time and energy I spent trying to control things that were out of my control. In hindsight, some of the mistakes I made during the DB process are so obvious to me now. And sometimes I wonder if there would have been a better chance for reconciliation if I had acted differently. I know I can't dwell on this now, but sometimes it's difficult to shake the "what ifs."

Summary of my current sitch:

W and I are currently separated after a year of trouble and failed attempts to reconnect. Our kids and our families are aware of the situation. We still share the marital home and our kids still live there full time. W and I take turns staying in the house depending on work schedules and I stay at my mom's when I'm not home. The separation has helped with reducing some of the tension in the house and allowed me to focus more on GAL since my W is now out of sight and (slightly less) out of mind. W hasn't pushed to advance the divorce further since the separation started.

Kids are handling things as well as can be expected. W and I are cordial, we've never argued in front of the kids. So far we've managed to avoid pointing fingers at each other so that they don't take sides. This is very hard for me and forces me to keep my ego in check. My S8 is obviously not happy with the situation and it kills me to think that he's angry/upset with me. I want to tell him that this is all my W's idea and I'm just as angry/upset as he is. But I know this is a totally selfish attitude and another example of how I'm still not fully detached.

To quote John Mayer: "Moving on and getting over are not the same it seems to me."

I've chosen to move on for the sake of my own well being. I can't continue to live expecting my W to play an active role in my life. But I'm not over it. I'm still standing for my marriage. I still love my W. I'm not done. If she approached me tomorrow with genuine remorse and a change of heart, I wouldn't push her away.

Of course, as time passes I WILL eventually get over it. Until then the most difficult challenge is detaching.

I still find myself planning my words and actions based on how I think she'll react to them. And I still spend far too much time judging the things she does or doesn't do. I suppose noticing it is the first step in reducing it, and a year later I've gotten a lot better at letting things go. But it's a difficult balance between not sweating the small stuff and enforcing boundaries so that I don't feel like a doormat.

Tomorrow will be our 10 year wedding anniversary. I don't plan to acknowledge it in any way, but it will be very hard. We will only see each other in passing in the morning. Part of me wonders if she'll even remember...