Finding my way in the dark - Part 2

[Holding]

The insanity of this all is really hitting me today.

The great "unfriending" has happened on Facebook. Most of my family unfriended W, and then W noticed and dropped the rest of my family who were left. W is a borderline narcissist who thrives on Facebook attention and praise - we all know that's to cover up her immense insecurities. W expected things would just be smooth and everyone would still be friends.

W's L has contacted my L, and I expect the legal stuff will start rolling soon. I'm dreading this part TBH. I read over the petition for D and it really got to me - a legal document that dismantles a family and 18 years of marriage.

This doesn't feel real. I keep thinking one morning I'll wake up and this will have all been a dream. Then I could go on with my normal life in our home, armed with the new knowledge I've gained about myself.

I know I was not the perfect husband. But I did so much for her. When she was having panic attacks and didn't want everyone else to know, I helped her through them and kept her secret. I helped her get ahead in her career by caring for the kids by myself. I was super frugal when money was tight. I endured years of her snappy comments, coldness, the SSM, and her general sour mood. Why wasn't I the one to leave?

I suppose I was too much of a Nice Guy.

I feel like I just can't DB any more. What's the point? She wants a D, the papers have been filed, and now the L's are going to square off.

If W wanted to come back, I'm afraid the path is no longer clear for her. Bridges have been burned, but TBH I'm not sure who burned them.

I fought against this since late April, and I just couldn't stop it. I couldn't keep our family together. I let my boys down.

[AnotherStander]

Very sorry you're going through this Holding! Reading it all in black and white is one of the hardest parts to be sure. When I was driving to work this morning I was remembering our day in court for some reason, and that feeling hit me again, just walking out of that court, divorced for the first time in my life, confused and bewildered more than anything frankly. It had been years since BD and S, but it was still surreal. And there was relief too, that it was all over.

This doesn't feel real.

Yeah, exactly. For me D finally brought an end to that. Something clicked in my head, I knew it was done and I was free to move on with my life. And I did, with gusto.

I know I was not the perfect husband. But I did so much for her. When she was having panic attacks and didn't want everyone else to know, I helped her through them and kept her secret. I helped her get ahead in her career by caring for the kids by myself. I was super frugal when money was tight. I endured years of her snappy comments, coldness, the SSM, and her general sour mood. Why wasn't I the one to leave?

GOOD! That's exactly the kind of realization the LBS comes to when they start coming out of the fog. That's a healthy sign, you're starting to remember what the M was REALLY like instead of having an idealized version of it stuck in your head. You may not have been perfect but neither was she. None of us are. Marriage is SUPPOSED to be sticking with your spouse IN SPITE OF their imperfections. The WAS violates that vow, which says more about their character than the LBS's.

I feel like I just can't DB any more. What's the point? She wants a D, the papers have been filed, and now the L's are going to square off.

It's hard to DB during D for sure.

I couldn't keep our family together. I let my boys down.

As long as you continue to conduct yourself with honor and dignity then you are NOT letting your boys down. Show them how a man handles adversity. That's where the real life lessons are, not when everything is always perfect.

[neffer]

You and your boys are the main focus now. Take care of them, take care of you.
(((holding)))

[leahsue]

Holding,
I think you are doing great. It think it is a very good sign that you're even wondering now, why wasn't I the one to leave? You do everything you can, and at some point, you just have to let go and move on, to save your own sanity.

[Holding]

Thanks AS, neffer, and leah!

Starting thread 3: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2754432