It looks like you are doing much better than yesterday. Hang in there, it'll get better.
Me 51, Wife 44; Married 4; Together 10; HSD20, XWSD13, XWSS14, XWSS17 Kids Together D4, D1.52 W Moves Out: 03/16/17 W Files : 03/17/17 D Final: 10/23/17
So sorry Treasur, None of us can figure this mess out. Here one day, gone the next.
I was feeling SO LOW about an hour ago, then I posted on my thread, texted a couple of close girlfriends, and I feel myself starting to reign it back in.
I hope you can do the same today. I can't remember if you pray or not, but I do, and am saying one now for ALL of us that hurt today (which probably is the majority on here). Or the universe, or the Higher Power, or karma, or whatever meets your needs. I just want us to get stronger and move farther away from this pain every day.
M-60 H-51 M-14 years BD 12/26/16 S 1/1/17
"First the pain, then the rising." Glennon Doyle Melton
Treasur when I read your posts I could have written almost every word that you write. My counselor told me that my H would fall because I had artificially propped him up. I handed him my ambition and my value. I forgot who I was and my strength. We are both starting to remember who I really am.
I'm sorry about your mom. Mine has been dying for years from a lung disorder. She is the most negative person alive and has just moved away from me for the first time in my life. Previously every time I moved she followed. I imagine it is very hard for you, and scary, to see her go through that.
When you remember and really accept your own value and recover your self esteem you will no longer want him. That day is coming sooner than you think.
Morning musings. Sun coming up here, looks like it's going to be a nice day. I can hear the sea and the gulls from my desk.
Where am I? Yesterday the sorrow of seeing my mother, how frail and pathetic and lost she is, was heartbreaking. We use that word but most of us know that feeling when it physically hurts to feel such sorrow. I've had a lot of sorrow in the last couple of years. She pulled out a photograph she wanted to show me, one of her and my father at our wedding. I'm not sure why she wanted me to see it but it was like a punch in the chest. My parents looked beautiful and it was such a joyful loving day. When I see her, when I have to deal with the rubble of my previous life or their's, it leaves me with a thin emotional skin for a couple of days. I think one loss triggers feelings about all three of them. Understandable, but I am tired of sorrow.
I know what love feels like, the warm easy delight of it, that feeling of coming home. My family was like that. That was my M until something changed in/for my H. Now, it's like torture. I had often wished I could run away too! No one healthy wants love to be like that; it is a twisted version of love, I think, or just the grief that comes with loss. I have no idea what changed my H because he has never given me the chance to listen. I'll probably never know. I think the hardest part for me to understand is not the A or even that he decided he wanted a life without me. Those things are sad, but they happen, and it is his life. The bit of this process that has been bewildering is how someone who shared your life for twenty years seems to have no empathy or want to deal with the end of your relationship efficiently and calmly. A lot of my H's behaviour makes no sense, even from his own self-interest, and that has been difficult to adjust to. So, I may have contributed to weakening our M but the destructive lunacy of how we part ways? No, none of that has been about me or created by me.
Practicalities? With the odd flip-flop about every 3-4 months, my STBXH has done nothing to show that he wants to reconnect, or wants to make the process easier or has any interest in the effect on me. Whatever is going on that is driving his actions, it is only about him. I am invisible to him, I think, a non-person. Because he filed 7 months ago and then refused to engage in the legal process he started - who knows why - my only remaining legal option is to take him to Court in a few days time. That will press the button on about 12 months and �20k worth of legal warfare which is far from ideal. What I want is for this painful crazy time to end for me, but my H has prevented any other sensible option as we've gone along. I don't have the money and I'm worried about that, but I trust I'll figure it out. There is a chance that, faced with the tough prospect of the Court route, my STBXH will change his behaviour and give me the financial settlement we need to draw things to a close. I'm sure his L will be pushing him to do that because he doesn't have the money either and the Court process seems designed to encourage it because it builds in 4 months before the first hearing. Tbh though, even though I am NC with him now, I can sort of feel his anger in the ether so it is just as possible that he will want to keep avoiding reality or fight. Time will tell. I just want this to end. I'm tired of the lunacy.
So, my life? I am grateful for the M I had and love the H I knew. I miss him, but I do it as if he were dead. The L process is probably going to be a bit of a nightmare, but going to Court means I can put it to one side of my life for a couple of months at least. Dealing with my mother's affairs is also a bit of a nightmare but I allocate specific time slots to deal with it to try to keep that on the edge of my life too. Seeing my mother is always going to be distressing and I don't know how much longer she has to live. The legal/paperwork stuff of both the divorce and her guardianship probably will need to be 20-30% of my time for the next few months. Sigh. It's a sad truth that my life would be lighter and easier if my mother died and my STBXH was my XH. My STBXH has emailed me twice since Monday. I have not read the emails. No point. Either it will be spew, which I don't need to see, or word blah which means nothing. I am just waiting to see what action is forthcoming via his L communicating with mine. My boundary is a simple one about lies and respect, and my STBXH can clearly see the consequences for him if he chooses to look. Not my circus or monkeys. Besides I'm pretty busy with my own circus - and I don't have an OW to coo at me or a psychiatrist to mirror me in my self-righteousness or ADs to numb the feelings. (Personal 2018 resolution is a year without Ls though!)
So, my focus is on what I build with the remaining 70% of my time and energy. Only three priorities really - money, my own business and happy GAL stuff. Given the route to here, I've done well to keep my sanity (close-run thing now and then!) and to not let this crush my spirit completely. I guess the advantage of dementia/MLC crazy is that it makes it so obvious that you didn't cause it because it's so obvious that nothing you do or say gets past either. I will probably always be left unable to explain or understand what happened around me that changed my life circumstances, but that doesn't change how it is. Progress? I'm not broken any more. I don't feel the same crumpling shock and pain, although I'm angrier about the unfairness of the situation than I was. I don't know what the future holds but I know there is one and it will have good and bad things in it. In a funny way, detachment has made me feel a bit detached from outcomes generally really, not just about my M/D. All I can do is the best I can with the best intentions for myself and others.
I guess my future posts will be more about my progress on these three things, while I try to stop the dragons of lawyers, lunacy and financial instability eating my energy and optimism!
Me: 53 H:38 T:20 M:14 BD ILYB etc 10/15, H diagnosed severe depression S 1/16 PA 4/16 H filed 1/17
Why do you think MLCers procrastinate? Anything that helps? Any insight welcome, especially from those who got to listen to their spouses' POV on why they didn't follow through on stuff they said they wanted to do?
Trying not to mind read, but also trying to figure out if I can find a less mutually-destructive option than taking STBXH to Court to force him to start dealing with practical/financial stuff for D he initiated.
Me: 53 H:38 T:20 M:14 BD ILYB etc 10/15, H diagnosed severe depression S 1/16 PA 4/16 H filed 1/17
After months of silence and a few weeks away from D being final, this is what STBXH is doing which is different. - wanted to start 'chatting' on the phone but didn't seem to have a purpose 6 weeks ago (I said no thank you because it seemed pointless) - even though I said clearly that after D, we wouldn't talk again, he said he 'wouldn't accept that paradigm' (whatever that means) - having avoided our old house and all practical responsibilities, suddenly decided to go there on two separate days to do 'jobs' in last fortnight (although when I went there on a later day could see no sign of anything done, and furniture/stuff still there) - he agreed a fortnight ago to use a shared gmail calendar to keep each other informed about house viewings and when either of us was back in our old town, having been very secretive about everything for a long time. And actually has done it. (I don't want to bump into him & OW having recently found out he has been partially living with a co-worker a few miles from old home, although working in another city most of the time. Disadvantage is that, like today, I know he is spending time there so with her...but I'd rather know than trip over them accidentally.) - he texted me this evening saying he was going to re-read a couple of emails (from a month ago!) and would 'reply' to me (hadn't asked for a reply, just pointed out that if he wanted to talk to me, he had to take action not just words and that the deadline was 15th Aug because of the legal process) - has not responded via his L to outstanding financial queries or other L stuff (having said on 30th June he would do so a few days later.) Echoing silence means my L has told his L that I will be applying to the Court on 16th August
Hmmm, so a few small things are different. A couple of big things - OW and not responding to L stuff - is the same.
Guesses?
Me: 53 H:38 T:20 M:14 BD ILYB etc 10/15, H diagnosed severe depression S 1/16 PA 4/16 H filed 1/17
Treasur, if you're looking for a sign he wants to reconnect, these ain't it.
Yes, he's making some unusual movements, but it's possible he's just starting to realize he needs to start taking action to make the D happen. I recommend you proceed with the court option.
That's my take on it. Could be wrong though.
Me-47,XW-43 S13,S16 M:18 BD:4-23-17 W filed:7-17-17 (5 months of in-house separation hell) W moved out:1-6-18 D granted:2-15-18 Decree signed:3-29-18
Tbh, that's my assumption too. And that he'll STILL take no action so off to Court we will go. I imagine he'll drag things out and probably his L will force him to deal with things right before the first hearing in 3-4 months time. We'll see.
Woke up full of rage this morning. I don't want a life shaped by lies, infidelity, disrespect, hatred and lunacy. I feel polluted by it. It isn't who I am. I can't really see the point in talking to the man who used to be my H when all he brings are these things. I'd rather disconnect, take my bumps, grieve for the person I lost and move on.
Me: 53 H:38 T:20 M:14 BD ILYB etc 10/15, H diagnosed severe depression S 1/16 PA 4/16 H filed 1/17
