What should I be doing now? (Filing for D soon)

[Coconut]

Your w is understandably gun shy. And I thought for sure her pride would turn from the offer of forgiveness you said you gave her, but she did not find that offensive or recoil from the judgement implied. (I mean, wow. Huge sign to me!)

Can you explain what you mean here? In what way would you of expected to see her turn from the offer of forgiveness?

Just recently she told you pretty much that she was leery of saying a lot to you about the r, when she said she knows you hate her and she commented about your move and her take on it, (which was that you are done).

I see it as her using my anger as an excuse to not have to contact me at all. Lets face it, when someone hates you because of something you’ve done, wouldn’t you at some point throw out a olive branch of some sort of apology if you cared? Personally, I think I just gave her an excuse that she can use when others ask her why she didn’t try and work on things.

So my guess is your olive branch was very much a surprise. Of course she didn't just jump on it. After the anger you expressed to her and saying you were going to file -which appeared to be in relation to a 3rd party comment to you, via a child.

My first olive branch was 1 ½ months ago when I told her I was thinking of her and asked how she was doing, I don’t think this one would have been too much of a surprise, or at least not something that I haven’t done in the past. But it doesn’t surprise me that she didn’t “just jump on it”, but I think it’s quite telling that she is yet to ever ask me how I’m doing.

You also say you "have no idea" what she is up to or if there is an OM in her life.

Other than knowing she is still volunteering at the FD (about 3 weeks ago my son mentioned her being there during one of our conversations)I have no idea what her "love life" looks like. zero, nada, nothing... I am sure I could gather information if I wanted to, but I've never asked anyone and no ones ever told me... Other than when I'm on this site trying to explain the current sitch, I never wonder what she's up to.

Question - please imagine a reconciliation and tell us what it would look like.
I fear your vision of a recon is -
"Dear Coconut, you said you want a divorce but I ended it with OM b/c I want you back. And you moved away, so I will quit the job I love and move from my home with my son, to be near you until if and when you say yes to a reconciliation."

Something more to the affect of:
Hi Coconut, I wanted to let you know that I am sorry for how our M ended, I’ve realized that even though we had issues in our M, I really f’d up when I stepped out of our M into someone else’s arms (or whatever words she wants to use). If you would be ok with it, I would like to spend some time talking to you and see if we can get to know each other again; if our M still ends, at least the final chapter won’t be the bad year and a ½ we just went through and maybe we can look back on our M with some happy memories with one bad period of time, instead of the end overshadowing the entire M.

Coconut I'm not criticizing you.

I realize that, I just think you may be giving my W more credit than she deserves, cause it feels more like avoidance to me than anything.

I see is a man in pain who lashes out when hurt. A guy who tells his w he will file for divorce b/c of what someone else said only to regret it shortly thereafter,

I regret telling her by mixing it in with my frustration, I DO NOT regret telling her I want to finalize the D, it was gonna happen very soon anyway (see title of this thread, which was before me telling her).

and who moved away... (Yes I know you like it there. I don't discount that).

the Best thing I’ve ever done. Just so your aware, my son is going away to college in 1 year, and I was always planning on moving up when he went to college and she always wanted to go as well. I did not enjoy my job (horrible micro manager), wich wife happened to work at with me. I had tried for the last 2 or 3 years (prior to sitch) to find a new job down in South Florida, but there are very few options for me in my field down there. So if I hadn't moved, I'd likely still be working with her (which didn't work for me), and I wanted to leave that job and that state, so I took the opportunity.

I see a guy who secretly dares his wife to join him to show she cares, but who won't tell her to do that. In case she won't.

theres a lot that would need to happen before there would be any need for her to join me in NC. There is a year before she could do that (when son goes to college), which would be a fair amount of time for her to show that she wants to get back together and for us to work on things.

I think you are putting a lot of obstacles in her way - b/c it makes you feel safer. I understand that.
But it's not making a reconciliation more likely.

the only real obstacles are her showing remorse and going NC. Eventually moving to a place that she always wanted to go (btw, her mom lives up here ½ a year and the rest of her family is closer to me than her) is not an obstacle. She hates her job, she lives in a dump, and she has no family down there (I have a lot of family down there but they don't interact with her). The only real obstacle of moving would be her friends, and if she wanted to stay for them, then I can understand that and it would end there.

I do feel safer up here, I have no triggers (except for that friend that moved up here, FML) which really made moving forward easier. I have a great life, and I’m enjoying the hell out of it, and I would really have to consider allowing her into my new life, but I would be open to considering it if it came down to it. But I’m happy without her joining it. Look, at this point the easy way for me is to just finalize the D and be done, but I did really love her at one point and if there’s even a chance that I could feel that way again, I wouldn’t discount it. But I am not sure I could get myself back to that point and I REALLY don’t think she is going to do ANYTHING to make me believe that there is even that option. So I wait and see. If she doesn’t do something to convince me that there might be a chance in the next 2 months, I will file when I go down there and then should be divorced by November.