What should I be doing now? (Filing for D soon)

[Coconut]

WW - I appreciate you not speaking badly about me to your family. Things are in a very awkward stage right now with them for obvious reasons. Cousin 1 is cordial with me at work but other than that I don't hear from him. I text cousin 2&3 after son was diagnosed to let them know. Cousin 2 responded but cousin 3 ignored me. Not really sure how to fix things but I guess time decides.

WW- I'm glad your mom was able to help you drop your anger. If anyone could it would be her. She's an amazing woman. I'm really glad that you are in a better place now but it does make me sad you are s far away. I wish you were closer to son because he needs you. You are a wonderful father to him.

End of texts

[Coconut]

I'm really glad that you are in a better place now but it does make me sad you are s far away. I wish you were closer to son because he needs you. You are a wonderful father to him.

While I realize that this could be interpreted as her saying she wishes I still lived back in FL because it makes her sad that I'm so far AND that it would ALSO be great for son, my interpretation is just that she wishes I was around more often for son.

But with either interpretation, I still don't believe I would buy into a reconciliation. For now, I will continue to just let it be, see how I feel as the next couple of months go by. If she follows up and tells me if she wants to change her name back I will finish the D form and send it to her so she can get it signed, but I won't follow up with her to ask if she doesn't reach out to me.

I'm not naturally good at just letting things sit, but for now, that's what i'll do.

[Coconut]

wow, this was a crazy weekend for a few posters... man I don't miss those days.

One post talks about his WW attacking him and punching him in the face before leaving and him having to call the police to give them his side because she was lying about it. And then another running into his WW and OM while walking in a park with his son.

I went through this kinda circus myself, I'm much bigger/stronger than my wife, but found three different circumstances where she physically attacked me. Luckily I was always able to keep my composure and not retaliate, I knew that would really be damaging to my son and hitting a woman was not a lesson I wanted to teach him (plus I just wouldn't hit a woman if it could be avoided).

But I never ran into OM, which is a good thing because I would not felt the same kind of restraint, and likely would of ended up in jail.

With that said, to anyone going through this now, just remember that it to shall pass. Best to know how you want to handle yourself in these types of situations so that you don't get caught up in the moment and instead have a plan on how you want to handle it. Keep in mind that what your going through will be a distant memory in the not to distant future, but you will need to live with the actions you take now, so be prepared to handle yourself accordingly when the moment presents.

[AnotherStander]

While I realize that this could be interpreted as her saying she wishes I still lived back in FL because it makes her sad that I'm so far AND that it would ALSO be great for son, my interpretation is just that she wishes I was around more often for son.

I only have the texts to base this on, but I agree that it sounds like she was talking about you being there for S and not so much for her benefit.

[quote]With that said, to anyone going through this now, just remember that it to shall pass. Best to know how you want to handle yourself in these types of situations so that you don't get caught up in the moment and instead have a plan on how you want to handle it. Keep in mind that what your going through will be a distant memory in the not to distant future, but you will need to live with the actions you take now, so be prepared to handle yourself accordingly when the moment presents.

Very well said!! WAS's (and especially MLCers) will do some really nasty, ugly things. It is up to us to be an example to our kids and others and to ALWAYS take the moral high road. When we conduct ourselves with honor and dignity, it doesn't matter what the WAS says or does to drag us through the mud. Others will SEE the truth for themselves.

[AnotherStander]

Dang it! Sorry, messed up the quote tags in that last post, it should look like this:

While I realize that this could be interpreted as her saying she wishes I still lived back in FL because it makes her sad that I'm so far AND that it would ALSO be great for son, my interpretation is just that she wishes I was around more often for son.

I only have the texts to base this on, but I agree that it sounds like she was talking about you being there for S and not so much for her benefit.

With that said, to anyone going through this now, just remember that it to shall pass. Best to know how you want to handle yourself in these types of situations so that you don't get caught up in the moment and instead have a plan on how you want to handle it. Keep in mind that what your going through will be a distant memory in the not to distant future, but you will need to live with the actions you take now, so be prepared to handle yourself accordingly when the moment presents.

Very well said!! WAS's (and especially MLCers) will do some really nasty, ugly things. It is up to us to be an example to our kids and others and to ALWAYS take the moral high road. When we conduct ourselves with honor and dignity, it doesn't matter what the WAS says or does to drag us through the mud. Others will SEE the truth for themselves.

[Tobias]

It may just deal with her feelings towards you as a father. But you don't think maybe that will play a role in her thinking about how it might be nice to think of you as one family?

Even so. The fact that you HAVE a child isn't that already a wonderful thing that you have from this period that won't ever disappear?

If I look at my sitch...we have cats. And we kind of talked about how we would split up the cats and a few weeks ago she mentioned how they should stay with me because they love each other and how I am so good to them. But that she hopes she can visit. (probably two or three weeks ago). It's not the same as a child....obviously...but suppose my W and I break up. There really would be no reason for us to stay in touch. It would be possible for us to just pretend this whole thing didn't happen. You know?

I hope this made sense...ignore me if it is just me rambling...

[25yearsmlc]

I think given the history of all the texts and your pointed armor, Coconut, and the anger that you just told her you are letting go of (thanks to your mom),

Your w is understandably gun shy. And I thought for sure her pride would turn from the offer of forgiveness you said you gave her, but she did not find that offensive or recoil from the judgement implied. (I mean, wow. Huge sign to me!)


Just recently she told you pretty much that she was leery of saying a lot to you about the r, when she said she knows you hate her and she commented about your move and her take on it, (which was that you are done).

So my guess is your olive branch was very much a surprise. Of course she didn't just jump on it. After the anger you expressed to her and saying you were going to file -which appeared to be in relation to a 3rd party comment to you, via a child.

You also say you "have no idea" what she is up to or if there is an OM in her life.

Question - please imagine a reconciliation and tell us what it would look like.

I fear your vision of a recon is -

"Dear Coconut, you said you want a divorce but I ended it with OM b/c I want you back. And you moved away, so I will quit the job I love and move from my home with my son, to be near you until if and when you say yes to a reconciliation."


Coconut I'm not criticizing you.

I see is a man in pain who lashes out when hurt. A guy who tells his w he will file for divorce b/c of what someone else said only to regret it shortly thereafter,

and who moved away... (Yes I know you like it there. I don't discount that).

I see a guy who secretly dares his wife to join him to show she cares, but who won't tell her to do that. In case she won't.

And I see a lot of wounded pride.

Hey, it's not like I don't identify with that. I do very much.

Sometimes it's a fine line between healthy self respect

and a wounded ego.

It's not easy to draw or hold to that^^ line. But it is valuable to be aware of it.

I think you are putting a lot of obstacles in her way - b/c it makes you feel safer. I understand that.

But it's not making a reconciliation more likely.

[Coconut]

Your w is understandably gun shy. And I thought for sure her pride would turn from the offer of forgiveness you said you gave her, but she did not find that offensive or recoil from the judgement implied. (I mean, wow. Huge sign to me!)

Can you explain what you mean here? In what way would you of expected to see her turn from the offer of forgiveness?

Just recently she told you pretty much that she was leery of saying a lot to you about the r, when she said she knows you hate her and she commented about your move and her take on it, (which was that you are done).

I see it as her using my anger as an excuse to not have to contact me at all. Lets face it, when someone hates you because of something you’ve done, wouldn’t you at some point throw out a olive branch of some sort of apology if you cared? Personally, I think I just gave her an excuse that she can use when others ask her why she didn’t try and work on things.

So my guess is your olive branch was very much a surprise. Of course she didn't just jump on it. After the anger you expressed to her and saying you were going to file -which appeared to be in relation to a 3rd party comment to you, via a child.

My first olive branch was 1 ½ months ago when I told her I was thinking of her and asked how she was doing, I don’t think this one would have been too much of a surprise, or at least not something that I haven’t done in the past. But it doesn’t surprise me that she didn’t “just jump on it”, but I think it’s quite telling that she is yet to ever ask me how I’m doing.

You also say you "have no idea" what she is up to or if there is an OM in her life.

Other than knowing she is still volunteering at the FD (about 3 weeks ago my son mentioned her being there during one of our conversations)I have no idea what her "love life" looks like. zero, nada, nothing... I am sure I could gather information if I wanted to, but I've never asked anyone and no ones ever told me... Other than when I'm on this site trying to explain the current sitch, I never wonder what she's up to.

Question - please imagine a reconciliation and tell us what it would look like.
I fear your vision of a recon is -
"Dear Coconut, you said you want a divorce but I ended it with OM b/c I want you back. And you moved away, so I will quit the job I love and move from my home with my son, to be near you until if and when you say yes to a reconciliation."

Something more to the affect of:
Hi Coconut, I wanted to let you know that I am sorry for how our M ended, I’ve realized that even though we had issues in our M, I really f’d up when I stepped out of our M into someone else’s arms (or whatever words she wants to use). If you would be ok with it, I would like to spend some time talking to you and see if we can get to know each other again; if our M still ends, at least the final chapter won’t be the bad year and a ½ we just went through and maybe we can look back on our M with some happy memories with one bad period of time, instead of the end overshadowing the entire M.

Coconut I'm not criticizing you.

I realize that, I just think you may be giving my W more credit than she deserves, cause it feels more like avoidance to me than anything.

I see is a man in pain who lashes out when hurt. A guy who tells his w he will file for divorce b/c of what someone else said only to regret it shortly thereafter,

I regret telling her by mixing it in with my frustration, I DO NOT regret telling her I want to finalize the D, it was gonna happen very soon anyway (see title of this thread, which was before me telling her).

and who moved away... (Yes I know you like it there. I don't discount that).

the Best thing I’ve ever done. Just so your aware, my son is going away to college in 1 year, and I was always planning on moving up when he went to college and she always wanted to go as well. I did not enjoy my job (horrible micro manager), wich wife happened to work at with me. I had tried for the last 2 or 3 years (prior to sitch) to find a new job down in South Florida, but there are very few options for me in my field down there. So if I hadn't moved, I'd likely still be working with her (which didn't work for me), and I wanted to leave that job and that state, so I took the opportunity.

I see a guy who secretly dares his wife to join him to show she cares, but who won't tell her to do that. In case she won't.

theres a lot that would need to happen before there would be any need for her to join me in NC. There is a year before she could do that (when son goes to college), which would be a fair amount of time for her to show that she wants to get back together and for us to work on things.

I think you are putting a lot of obstacles in her way - b/c it makes you feel safer. I understand that.
But it's not making a reconciliation more likely.

the only real obstacles are her showing remorse and going NC. Eventually moving to a place that she always wanted to go (btw, her mom lives up here ½ a year and the rest of her family is closer to me than her) is not an obstacle. She hates her job, she lives in a dump, and she has no family down there (I have a lot of family down there but they don't interact with her). The only real obstacle of moving would be her friends, and if she wanted to stay for them, then I can understand that and it would end there.

I do feel safer up here, I have no triggers (except for that friend that moved up here, FML) which really made moving forward easier. I have a great life, and I’m enjoying the hell out of it, and I would really have to consider allowing her into my new life, but I would be open to considering it if it came down to it. But I’m happy without her joining it. Look, at this point the easy way for me is to just finalize the D and be done, but I did really love her at one point and if there’s even a chance that I could feel that way again, I wouldn’t discount it. But I am not sure I could get myself back to that point and I REALLY don’t think she is going to do ANYTHING to make me believe that there is even that option. So I wait and see. If she doesn’t do something to convince me that there might be a chance in the next 2 months, I will file when I go down there and then should be divorced by November.

[BluWave]

Hmmm ... I have so many thoughts about your sitch, however I have said much of it before. My initial thought being that it has not been very long to make a decision on D. Given the amount of years you had together and that son is in the picture, I think 1-1.5 years post-DB is still early. I am also one that thinks that time is the best remedy. Sure people can come back together after D, but wouldn't it be better to wait until you have zero reservations about it? Also C-nut, I don't think anything in your daily life will change for you when it's a done deal.

WW- I'm glad your mom was able to help you drop your anger. If anyone could it would be her. She's an amazing woman. I'm really glad that you are in a better place now but it does make me sad you are s far away. I wish you were closer to son because he needs you. You are a wonderful father to him.

Listen, if I had to guess when you read this you assumed she was saying that she wishes you were closer for son's sake but not for hers. That is not how I read this at all. I tend to agree with 25 that she is possibly holding back on something (gun shy). Quite simply she values your strong quality as a father and wishes you were closer for him. That does translate into "she does not wish you were closer to her," as it is simply left unsaid. We know from all your posts that your W leaves a lot unsaid.

My perspective on why people should stay in a M has undoubtedly changed a lot in the last few years. I used to have this somewhat romantic idea of what we should feel towards our partner and expect of them, and that those somehow held more weight than the practical elements. Now I see it from the opposite angle and I think the best reasons to stay in a M are for the kids benefit, financial stability, and that if both partners can choose to stay in the M over time (overcome obstacles and change) the relationship will have more depth and value.

She values you as a good father. IMO a mother with a strong character will value that over all else. She cares about her son and wants what is best for him. My H is an amazing father--better than I could have imagined. This is the strongest force that keeps me with him now. His XOW's XH (remember we were a group of friends) is also an amazing father (all the more reason she was a fool for Ding him, as she only thought about herself). So while you have described your W as self-centered and a cold-hearted B, on the flip side she has some character strengths. Sure she made a mistake, but she is certainly thinking ...

I hear (read) that you are happy in your new state and have moved on from your W. I just still sense you have unresolved emotions and understandably, as it has not been that long. I also wonder if you have some unrealsitic expectations of what you need her to say or do to consider a reconciliation. Do those things take into consideration her personality and if it is in her nature to do/say them at all? Do they take into consideration her own fears/hesitations? There are def things I wish my H would do or say to make this smoother, but I also am forcing myself to accept that he was never really that way before. If I want to be in this M, I have to make the choice (not contingent on what he does or says, I can't control that) and then I need to check my ego at the door.

Blu

[Tobias]

"Something more to the affect of:
Hi Coconut, I wanted to let you know that I am sorry for how our M ended, I’ve realized that even though we had issues in our M, I really f’d up when I stepped out of our M into someone else’s arms (or whatever words she wants to use). If you would be ok with it, I would like to spend some time talking to you and see if we can get to know each other again; if our M still ends, at least the final chapter won’t be the bad year and a ½ we just went through and maybe we can look back on our M with some happy memories with one bad period of time, instead of the end overshadowing the entire M."

I understand that. And believe me that would be an amazing sign. But it also comes across as what 25yearsmlc refers to as placing obstacles. Does she really need to verbalize these things or can you perhaps insinuate from her actions that this is how she feels?

On the other hand, you know your W better than we do. But add me to the list of people above who say there might be more to her words.

At the end of the day though it's your choice: if you really think you will be happier being divorced than by all means pursue it. But to me I am reading her words as coming from someone who wishes things were different, who recognizes you as a great father. She is also worried that by saying anything beyond that she would violate YOUR boundaries and add pressure to you.

From the thing I quoted you want HER to say something. From what I understand SHE wants YOU to make that step. Wouldn't it be a shame if you ended up divorced because you were both waiting for the other to make that step?