Back from the funeral. It reminded me of how kind people are and how the stories at our wake are always about who we were, rather than what we did or how much we had. It was touching to see how people come to honour someone else's grief and loss.
Driving home though, I was furious. (There was an email from my STBXH on my phone but I don't intend to read it, so I deleted it) If he'd been in front of me, I would have punched him. How dare he rewrite my life with this lunacy and meanness! Listening to someone else being lauded as a good kind man and a good husband, knowing that he used to be, and now he's just a destructive pompous child... People there asking me what the hell happened to him and why he changed from being lovely to being a weirdo. All I can say is some variation on 'no idea' or 'flouride in the water?' or 'too much coffee?'.
Why can't spouses having this kind of crisis just buy a pre-prepared post it that says "Sorry. Need to run away to boff a blonde, get tattoos and destroy my life for a bit. Not your fault. Keys on the mat. Have signed all assets over to you as I don't want the responsibility. Signed Mr/Mrs MLC". Wouldn't that be easier?
Me: 53 H:38 T:20 M:14 BD ILYB etc 10/15, H diagnosed severe depression S 1/16 PA 4/16 H filed 1/17
When I turned 50, I got a new sports car I had longed for. I got it with my h.
There. My "MLC" was over.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
It's taken me a long time to get angry, but the way he is handling the divorce stuff (or more accurately not) has made me angry. I think as I've had to adjust to Mr Silent Jerk I have gradually forgotten who he was before this. Does that happen to other people too?
I was a pretty good wife and a good friend. I carried on treating him with respect and kindness. In return, he sent me to Coventry, blew up my life when I was bereaved and has screwed me over emotionally, practically and financially. He was a good person; now he isn't. I don't want to bust my divorce. I just want the lunacy out of my life and to not get screwed anymore.
If I remember who he was and how far this is from who he was, it breaks my heart for both of us. Which weakens me. He has created a truly horrible mess for himself and seems to think I should soak up the cost of that ad infinitum. God, I'm angry today. I don't hate him, but I hate this selfish MLC s**t!
Me: 53 H:38 T:20 M:14 BD ILYB etc 10/15, H diagnosed severe depression S 1/16 PA 4/16 H filed 1/17
well I'm almost too angry to post. Just got off the phone from my L and h simply does not want to pay ANY spousal support. NO contact with our 3 children and cut off our d19 from college funding mid stride.
It's a 35 year m, but he's on the tundra making it harder to enforce court orders. Point being, HE is what HE DOES. And it's appalling.
He is Not what I think he used to be, he is not doing what he once did. OR what I expected or planned...
It is not what we had (or maybe had b/c I am not even sure now)
but this, now is what is.
NOT important to know why anymore, b/c endless wondering is endless suffering.
And so I'm on notice that THIS is what I must respond to, and nothing else.
If that changes, I'll cross that bridge when I get to it.
Not sure if this^^ helps you at all, but I see you spinning and I'm done spinning.
I'm awake now.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
It's taken me a long time to get angry, but the way he is handling the divorce stuff --I have gradually forgotten who he was before this. Does that happen to other people too? Oh yes. It can pollute the memories that used to give you joy, but I THINK that will fade in time. Not positive but also not going to harp on it atm.
- In return, he sent me to Coventry, blew up my life when I was bereaved and has screwed me over emotionally, practically and financially. He was a good person; now he isn't. I don't want to bust my divorce. I just want the lunacy out of my life and to not get screwed anymore.
^^ keeps it simple, doesn't it? Hold on to clarity for now. Delve deep LATER... \
If I remember who he was and how far this is from who he was, it breaks my heart for both of us. Which weakens me.
then don't keep looking back...you do that later. Don't weaken now. You cannot afford to. Protect yourself.
He has created a truly horrible mess for himself and seems to think I should soak up the cost of that ad infinitum. God, I'm angry today. I don't hate him, but I hate this selfish MLC s**t!
I'm not sure the "MLC" term is useful for us at this stage. Does it matter? I'm asking.
I used to think it meant the "Real h" was abducted and hoped he'd return later, which SEEMED to happen.
But I never fully understood how he could have left me and our d's for 2 years, off and on for a JOB/adventure, more professional accolades, big fish in a small pond, etc)
which means he had done a lot of $hitty things over time...and when he regretted it
i took that to mean he was all better now.
But he either had changed or revealed himself more, and I often regret reconciling then.
How could I not?
Treasur please please do what is best for you NOW.
IF you h returns for a recon, under any circumstances, I'd say get a post nup. And a test for STDs.
I'm 100% certain of this. I really mean this.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Hi 25. I'm so sorry that your H is being a d**k about supporting your kids. How do they feel about him or having any contact with him?
I will look after myself and my L is good. And I don't want a reconciliation.
What do the rest of you think about lies?
My musing used to be about 'why'. Understandable because it is shocking when someone you think you know becomes so unrecognisable. That was when, like you, I thought the 'real' H was reappear. Do I think my STBXH has had some kind of MLC type identity crisis? Yes, I do. He's pretty textbook and has made a mess of his own life. But the reason why doesn't matter to me as much as it did. It probably mattered when I thought there was something to be salvaged.
My musing now is more about figuring out for myself if I trusted and loved someone that I shouldn't have done, so I don't do the same again! Lies. I hate lies. And not telling the truth, which is the same as lying. I think when a WAS or MLCer lies, they are basically saying that you are not respected enough to know about something which will damage your life and wellbeing. I'm not capable of doing that to someone I cared about; my H evidently was. And not only could he do it, but he could feel ok enough about doing it to keep doing it. To look in my sappy trusting face, and eat the dinner I'd cooked, and say 'I love you', and curl round me at night...and know he was lying. I read somewhere that having an A is about a failure of character, not a failed marriage. That people lie because they can and because it makes them feel powerful.
I'm a toddler when it comes to lying. We all tell small lies...blame traffic when actually we left the house late or say we're busy to avoid doing something. I'm talking about the kind of lies that really affect other people. To lie about big things for a long time to your spouse or children, I think you must be more comfortable with lying than I am. Which makes me wonder how much my H lied over the last 20 years. I didn't see the evidence of it but then I wasn't looking. Looking back, I still struggle to see evidence of it...but he lies about everything now and has done for almost 2 years, so it is more logical to assume that he always lied isn't it?
Me: 53 H:38 T:20 M:14 BD ILYB etc 10/15, H diagnosed severe depression S 1/16 PA 4/16 H filed 1/17
Treasur, the lies are hard, but to me they are an indication that the past was merely a mirage. Today is who he really is. I don't know about yours, but mine is such a horrible liar. Yes, looking back there were ridiculous lies that I believed hook, line and sinker, but that was a reflection of the goodness of my heart, not gullibility. He is the one who should feel shame in lying to me (but of course he does not) rather than me feeling shame in believing.
I believe that my H is 100% in an MLC that exacerbated some pre-existing, significant narcissistic traits. I also believe that like 25 says, it doesn't matter. It does not change my reality. I still have to get up and get myself through the day. I still have to find a place in my mental box to lock him and the things he has done to me away. I still have to move forward with as much optimism as I can muster, and I know from the past year, that it is going to get much better and that I am going to be much stronger and happier next year.
If you really and truly don't want to be married to him, then you should have no fear about what happens next. Charge ahead strong and with determination because if nothing else your actions will make you feel better about yourself.
25 may never get a cent from her H, but she is being paid in strength, determination, grit and drive. Those things will serve her better in the long run. It is a good lesson for those of us still struggling with the last few ties that bind.
I don't think the past was a mirage...but I do think this is who my STBXH is right now.
I think I was a high-value woman and I let that go to invest in him and our team. That's on me. But strangely I think that the more I valued myself, the more he had to be good enough to keep me. He lost respect for me because I lost respect for myself. The woman I was would never have chased after a man who lied and was unfaithful. Never. I would have walked away because I would have said that he wasn't good enough for me.
I think being married made that more complicated for me. I'd invested years and I loved him. I thought marriage was about weathering the storms and thinking the best of each other first. Actually, I still do...but I think that only works with mutual respect. And whatever my STBXH thinks or feels about me now, his actions show that respect isn't on the list.
So, my decision now is to let him go because I deserve better than lies, infidelity and lunacy. Always did. He can infect his own life with them and build his future on that foundation if he wants to, but I won't. He will have to carry the consequences of that, but I won't carry them for him. Different kind of letting go, I think? I kept faith with my marriage until it was obvious that lies and lunacy are all my STBXH brings right now. There is no point in talking to him or seeing him. It only made sense if I wanted to repair or rebuild something. I'm just staying with NC, deleting his emails without reading them and letting my L talk to his L.
Meanwhile, on the sunny side of the street, I shall GAL like the glorious High-Value Jewel of a woman I always was but lost for a bit in the land of an immature man!
Me: 53 H:38 T:20 M:14 BD ILYB etc 10/15, H diagnosed severe depression S 1/16 PA 4/16 H filed 1/17
Gosh, I'm tired of feeling heartbroken over and over again.
Drove to the old house to pick up post. MLC H had done none of the jobs he was supposedly there to do on Saturday, all his stuff and furniture is still there. He had just taken one small picture of our cat who died. Who can work out what is in his head? Impossible.
Then drove to see my mother's financial adviser and had to change route because I realised GPS was going to take me straight through the village where my H has been secretly living on and off with OW.
Then went to see my mother who now thinks someone lives in the closet who is trying to kill her. She was very frightened and distressed. Then, in a rare moment of lucidity, she stroked my hair and told me I was so pretty and she loved me. And I just broke down and sobbed while she stroked my hair. I would have given the world to be able to be held by my H. I don't comprehend how you care about someone for two decades and then show no empathy or care at all, even if you no longer want to be married to them. It's just beyond me.
Rough day. Too much crying. Tomorrow will be better.
Me: 53 H:38 T:20 M:14 BD ILYB etc 10/15, H diagnosed severe depression S 1/16 PA 4/16 H filed 1/17
