I came here hearing my W wanted a divorce, I discovered shortly thereafter that there was OM. She broke off the PA but continues to talk to him (I am skeptical about the claim that they are friends but it's not entirely impossible she hasn't seen him in over a month.). We have had ups and downs but are going through MC and both of us have IC. In some ways we are doing better than we ever have but in some ways we run into some buzzsaws and pitfalls. We are learning what the other person needs and how to respond to that. Or rather: I am learning what W needs.
I think once she has more space, can rest and feels more at ease she will focus on what I need: much more intimacy (not just sex). She tries to and initiates it when she has energy and desire but at times she is exhausted (and her body language confirms this). I suspect her depression plays a role, summer is always hard on her, and now with the weather patterns increasing her migraines, she is going to get her eyes checked as she suspects her mood is affected by pain behind her eyes (which can be eye sight challenges) and she is also exploring going to a gynecologist which she has never gone to and she came across symptoms that also can explain some of her mood swings and other physical discomforts. But I realize more and more that the problem isn't ME per se but rather how I approach her. There are things she needs and I have come to realize that I can easily change my approach. I am not changing fundamentally for her. But the impact and effect those small changes have to her are huge.
Overall progress: we communicate better, we do things together as a team, W certainly tries to follow advice from MC. She affirms that I am a good person but neither of us have said ILY. I think we are both trying to see if there is a future but because we have been going at it for a decade there is a lot of regret and resentment and anger that shows up and we recognize that it is a lot of work. I think I am more committed to recommitting than W is BUT she continues to do the work and follow our MC advice and tasks. So if the statement that don't believe anything she says but half of what she does if that statement is correct I can be hopeful. It's VERY fragile though.
During the IC my counselor said I have to think about what it's I need. And that W are I both have the same desires and wants but have different needs. That HAS been the biggest challenge. I need physical attention (hugs) whereas she needs space at certain moments. Counselor said that we need to get out of the toxic cycle that is dysfunctional. I told her that sometimes it feels things are going well and one of us wants to make the gap bigger again. She nodded and said it's because that is what worked in the past "If I cry or am upset or angry I usually get my way". I need to stay calmer but W also needs to recognize more how she contributes to the challenges. I think she has. It is just very overwhelming on her right now.
But I need to work on being more patient, restricting myself to listening as my W really needs someone to listen to her vent about her day. IC it was pointed out that I should perhaps feel honored W continues to see me as a person W trusts. (W actually told me that last week when we had an argument about it) She also validated that sometimes it may be a lot for me to take. Perhaps I should suggest to W that sometime on a day I would like to sit with her at a table and discuss a few things but that I need to ask for an hour sometime during the evening rather than insist on it now. IC said that it might actually empower my W. And it's true, I need impulse control, I need patience, and I need to figure out sometimes what it's I want to say before I say it. Even though I think I have legitimate fears I need to think much harder about the desired end goal (I am sometimes still seduced by the "but I am right" approach). IC pointed out as she did in MC session that expectations lead to shame and guilt and anger. Because we are having a good time lately I perhaps increase my expectations and my W tries to the best of her energy and I should focus on that rather than pressure her. I also express things not in the best way and I need to be better at that. I make an assumption sometimes and that assumption means I say something I don't mean or that deviates from the question I actually want to ask. IC did ask if I felt like I made progress and I said yes. IC nodded (and W has validated this). But because I do deeply love my W and desire her I sometimes let my emotions get the best of me. I always hid that part but my W doesn't need that right now. At least not 24/7.
We have our next MC session on Wednesday and MC said she expects us to be there for six more weeks with longer IC and a few update sessions as MC to see how things go.
Last week I wrote how W had bad feelings about wedding anniversary. BUT when a mutual friend said he wants to hang out W didn't just say yes to him but asked me how I felt since it was our anniversary. I told her we can have fun with him and we can do something else later that weekend. It's ACTIONS like this that give me hope. She says she is not recommitted to saving the marriage but she doesn't escalate fights or when something mean is said SHE attempts to return to stability; her actions tell me she is kind of recommitting just perhaps not with a focus on 'forever'. I trust her when she says she is emotionally and physically exhausted. My approach is to cuddle and do nothing but she doesn't always get comfort from that. I am also taller so physically bigger and that is an issue that she has pointed out. Me being an excited puppy dog works in some cases but in other cases I need to not let that side get out too much. That confused me for years but I think I get it now.
One concern I had is that with W unhappiness at work and desire to go do her PhD that she is trying to force herself to leave and of course that just makes everything more unpleasant. My approach has always been: let's set a goal to leave the state but for the time being let's at least try to enjoy being here. Last week when we told a mutual friend that we hated Florida. He seemed sad and said: you two hate it here and I am thinking I love how I met two awesome people and don't want to lose that. W later reflected on it and said: you know what he is right. It's not all bad. So I think if she continues on that path SHE reduces moments where she is anxious or upset which means we have more pleasant things to talk about. In the meantime, I need to reiterate to myself that it doesn't matter if I am right but that if I don't detach
Am I in denial? Perhaps but I don't think she is manipulating me. I do think she sometimes likes to blame me and focus on that but I receive a lot more from her than just coldness and meanness. Even when SHE is exhausted she sometimes tries and reaches out to me. She recognizes she has resentment and wants to work on that with the counselor. What more can I ask for? Quicker process? Sure but this is a marathon not a sprint. And actually taking it slower allows us BOTH to reflect and slowly work on things. The more short cuts we want to take the more we make mistakes. The more I make mistakes.
Some of you will say: I need to force NC (W has said if she recommits she knows what to do AND W continues to says he is sometimes afraid of me) or I need to kick her out if she doesn't go NC. I don't think those options are the best choices right now. Not when W actually shows effort. But I do need to let it stop increasing expectations.
I have got the luxury that my GAL activities involve working out and W has recognized and positively affirmed that I look better. She said "regardless what happens between us" you are a good person, you are good at sex, you look great. She hasn't insulted me (like she had for years criticizing and focusing on my weaknesses and fears...AS DID I). My W WANTS to spend time but also needs alone time and in that alone time I can focus on myself.
Now it's about consistency and each of us addressing our own issues. I cannot force her to work on herself but I have a good idea that she is taking those things seriously. The other day she mentioned how a big fear is not realizing if she has bipolar disorder. So she isn't denying how she has mood swings and feels depressed. My job is to respond in a way SHE needs (and think about if that is something I can live with and so far the answer is yes).
