FWIW, my D14 was acting out physically with me after tantrums and raging that escalated over years. It got to the point where I was dialing 911 just to get her to leave the room. I finally found the right therapist for her and it's like having a different child. She started therapy about 8-10 months ago and I noticed a difference straight away. Over the course of her treatment she has really settled down enormously. Also FWIW, her outbursts were limited to me, not her dad. She had her own reasons for that, but the point is, just because your child responds differently to one parent than another doesn't mean that he's just fine when he's with you. He's just learned what works or doesn't work with each of you. My daughter would scream at me that I was weak, that I had let things happen to cause the divorce, that I didn't stand up to my ex, that I was a victim -- that was her way of responding to the divorce.
I think your consequence is an appropriate response, but even with a loving conversation about what's happening there, it might be time to bring in additional help for him. Your son loves his mother, even if he's that angry with her; being that angry with someone you love is confusing for a kid that age. As you know, there's something going on with the relationship over there and he doesn't have the ability to cope with whatever it is. I suggest you get him in to therapy asap -- if he's threatening to kill himself, she's made an attempt before, and he's with her 50% of the time, it's possible the problem has moved beyond your ability to give him tools to deal with it and he needs at least a neutral third party to help him through this time. It's the suicide threats AND her previous attempt that worry me. She set a scary example for him.
I'm glad other things have evened out for you and I hope your S13 finds peace. Good to hear from you!
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
