I really should give a fuller history. I've mainly been describing things as they've been for the last year.
I've been very sick off and on, mostly on, for the last 11 years. I had Hodgkin's Lymphoma in 2001, went through chemo, and came out the other side. It was h@ll. Our son was 18 months old at the time. I gained quite a bit of weight while on chemo and after. I worked full time in IT from 1995-2006 when I started having severe chronic pain. The next 3 years were absolute hell on earth. No one could figure out what was wrong with me. It started suddenly 6/06, and I was unable to work by 8/06. I had exploratory surgery, and was in and out of the hospital, on very strong opioids for the first time. I don't remember most of this very well. It was pelvic and abdominal pain. I couldn't walk. I couldn't sit. I couldn't stand. It. Was. H@ll. The loss of my income and medical bills ruined us financially. We lost our house and had to declare bankruptcy. We moved in with H's parents for 6 months.
My OB/GYN decided that I most likely had convinced(endo inside the uterus) and endometriosis. They did a hysterectomy, but left my ovaries & tubes. I was 35. We wanted more children, but I had been convinced that I was infertile since the chemo. The surgery didn't affect my pain levels.
In 09/08, I had a tumor show up on a CT of my chest. They had to go in and remove it. Thankfully, it wasn't malignant. That was probably the worst surgery I've had. Getting your chest cracked is no joke.
I applied for Social Security Disability. It took 4 years to get approved. Once I was approved and on Medicare, our finances stabilized. All this time, my pain was still uncontrolled. I was severely depressed. I thought of committing suicide many, many times. I had to give my pain meds to my H to lock up so I wouldn't take them all at once. The only reason, and I mean that, the ONLY reason I am still here is my son.
Three years ago. my pain doctor implanted a morphine pump in my abdomen. That finally brought the pain mostly under control. It's still there, and some days are much worse than others, but I'm better.
Last year, I really withdrew in response to H's changes in personality etc. I was severely depressed again. I'd not leave the house for days. I've been far from perfect and have major issues myself. When he dropped that bomb on me last January, I realized how much I had withdrawn into a shell myself. I snapped out of it. Got up every day, no matter how I felt. We went out together a lot. Started having sex again. I made sure I was doing as much as I could around the house, cleaning, meals etc. I'm taking several classes, to see if I can go back to work again.
I'm telling about this because it matters. There's been so much time spent in more of a caregiver relationship. I've been so focused on his actions and behavior in my posts so far. I've tried to make the changes I could for the valid issues he raised. Sorry about writing a book.
