Not sure what I have

[Guzzard]

So I guess with no contact vs 180. If communicating in email, one should stick to just the facts. If I feel like part of the M problem was we lost some interaction with each other, doesn't the 180 tell me to increase that. So, since I have little contact, to 180 means I should elaborate more, but to NC I should not. Any advice?

[TBSakaJ9]

For what it's worth my w moved out 7 weeks ago.....I decided to go nc except for things related to the kids.....she has been rude and cold towards me so for me she does not deserve to be in my presence or have the luxury of speaking with me about anything. My DB coach told me to treat her like a close friend......if you read sandi's stuff she seems to be against this. I am a nice guy so treating her like a close friend would continue her to be disrespectful towards me hence the opposite approach.

[Guzzard]

Thanks, I think I fit the nice guy as well so have been no contact and sticking to business. At the same time, I think my W might say that we've lost some interactive communication. So to do a 180 means I should increase that. As I think back, our communication has recently been more just quick life events related and when we first dated it was more about what each other is into and doing. So I am starting to feel like, when she initiates the contact, that I should be more open and descriptive about what I'm doing. Ultimately, we're doing this process for us and I am not totally sure if doing that is for me. I do and did like to talk to W that way before and enjoyed it, so I think its for me.

[Guzzard]

My DB coach told me to treat her like a close friend......if you read sandi's stuff she seems to be against this. I am a nice guy so treating her like a close friend would continue her to be disrespectful towards me hence the opposite approach.

Sorry this is longer than I intended but it does seem to be confusion in other threads and I'm confused.

I would say my W and I did fall into a pattern that happens naturally when you go from dating to M. We didn't live together before M so we did a lot of communicating via phone, email, and going out a few nights a week.

Once M and living together, some of that naturally gets lost. You are doing more together and though you do talk about it, many of the details you'd have discussed if it were a close friend are already known by your W.

For example, let's say W and I went to work on Tuesday, then dinner, then a walk. In talking to a close friend, there is a lot more description... how was work, where was dinner, what did you have, how was it, etc. In talking with my W...sure, how was the workday, but since she was there, you don't get into where did you go, what did you have, how was it....because that's already known and/or talked about.

Or as another example, if I painted the bathroom on Saturday, then W and I went to a family gathering. With a close friend (since they are not living with you).. you might talk about what color, who picked it, how does it look, how'd it go, how was the family, hows your dad, etc. With your W, you don't talk as much detail...she already knows who picked the color, you both already looked at it and decide it was nice, you both talked to dad and know how he's doing.

I'm not saying that is with everything,s but just an example that I think naturally some communication that you had when dating decreases.

When dating we'd share a email during the day....what did you do last night, how's the morning, what did you do for breakfast, etc. When M... well, W made breakfast, you already talked about the morning, and you were together last night....not that there is NO talking, there is just LESS...and more of those talks happen naturally when you are saying getting ready for work. So they aren't really critical talks that you should sit down and provide undivided attention.

This is where I struggle with the right approach.

So, no contact says don't get into what you did or spouse did over the week and not in any detail.

Doing a 180 and treating like a close friend says since my W isn't living here and to be the person she fell in love with means that I should tell W in more details what I did over the week.

On one hand, I don't see any change in her going NC. On the other hand, if I honestly told her the detail of my weekend (which would be a 180), where does it cross being transparent or pursuing. Because if I were treating her as a close friend and doing the opposite of what we were doing, then I would describe what I did. However, that goes against no contact??

Hope that makes sense.

[KGuy]

Depends on what your liabilities are i suppose. I have a signed mediated agreement right now which is sort of binding as far as property and custody goes. Her L wants to finalize it into a final divorce decree and i have the draft, but i am in the same boat as you in that i don't feel good when i even think about working on it.

I would give her a date and sluff it off. Sounds like she hasn't gotten everything together anyway, so technically you are waiting on her, right? ;-)

Again, Gook luck.

[Guzzard]

Gotcha, technically until this set of paperwork is done we do not have a binding agreement so I have some interest in wanting to finish it.

Anyone have any input on my confusion with 180 above?

W contacted me to say what she did over the week but the real reason is she wants something. One one hand, I should respond brief and to the point, no details. On the other hand, to do the opposite of what I'd normally do and treat like a close friend means I should be more descriptive of what I did over the week. Not sure which is the path.

[AnotherStander]

Guzzard, why in the world are you trying to push the D through? If you are expecting it to get you out of limbo or bring you some kind of closure- IT WILL NOT. You are not even two months post-BD, your emotions AND your W's are all over the place. This is not the time to try and ramrod D through. You should be working on GALing, detaching and giving her time and space. It's only after you've fully detached and can CALMLY reason with yourself that you are ready for D that you should push that through. It's far too soon for that yet.

[Guzzard]

I guess I filed it because W was 150% certain this is the only path for us and I have never been through this before so didn't know what to do. Others advised me to file to protect myself.

Right now, just trying to file other paperwork to meet court deadlines.

I could file a 90 day extension or for dismissal, but W would have to sign and agree so I would have to have that discussion with her. The forms for this say it is extension or dissmissal to allow couple to reconcile so I don't know that she would agree as there are no signs of that.

So that's where its at.

[TxHubby]

Your WW is very mentally ill. DB'ing is not the answer. MC is not the answer. She needs professional help. Possibly inpatient care. You can't work on a relationship with someone this mentally ill. If left on her own she'll completely self-destruct and probably end up killing herself. She has severe problems. She's adamant about divorce and to be honest that might be your only way to save your own mental health. The 180 and the DB techniques are not going to apply to someone with severe mental health issues, which is what you have on your hands. You can try to get her help or wash your hands of the whole thing and move on. I suggest the latter. Good luck either way.

[Guzzard]

Thanks for the response, TxHubby.

Yes, that is basically the conflict for me.... try or move on.

I don't believe in her current state she is at risk of suicide at this moment. I do think she has future risk depending on her life choices (ie, addressing the issues or not).

Without addressing her issues, the pattern will repeat for her.

I would stand by her in support of her and her conditions with a plan to treat and monitor.

I would not stand by her if this is non-illness EA and she just decided she wants out of the M. I am not 2nd choice or fallback.

That's my internal conflict.

When I read my own story and almost everyone's advice is to move on. That regardless of reason, she wants out of the M, she is not here, she doesn't want help, she's not going to get treatment, she needs to fix this for herself,etc