If you guys could just tell me what to say that's acceptable and not me trying to controlling him that would be helpful.
I've been giving nothing but one words responses to him and only responding to kidnrelated questions. He came home at 6am this morning and my dad said he was awake when he got there. He said he made sure to blare the F1 race on the stereo And said it's the little things I live for lol
Anyway H txt me
H: What are the boys doing M:gem mining H: weather been nice? H: ?
I'm not responding. If it's not kid related I don't have to right? I'm leaning heavily on you guys because I'm angry and I don't want to knee jerk out of anger I want to say what's best because I've come so far without reacting to anything he's done. So I don't want to make that mistake now.
No, not responding is absolutely appropriate. I don't know what he thinks he's achieving with the chit-chat texts when he can't be polite to you in person.
If you don't have a consequence in mind then I think you need to ask the lawyer what consequence you can put in place in order to get him out promptly. Don't attempt to set a boundary if you don't have the "then" in mind. And don't feel like you have to explain why you're not responding to his stupid texts. Nobody's that stupid. He just wants you to confirm that you are changing the script. Don't bother with that. JUST change the script, as you're doing. He'll get the message.
There came a point when I was tired of dealing with Mr. Fantastic's cr@p and I started ignoring everything that wasn't kid-related. He pulled the whole "why arent you talking to me?" self-pity text and I just replied, "I don't like being separated." He said, "OK, I'll go back to therapy." (by himself, but with the marriage counselor) Well, he went back, and he reported to me that "it didn't work." The therapist shouldn't have, but told me he'd been in for half a session, had basically nothing to say, and left after half an hour because "I don't have any problems." At that point I had confirmation that Mr. F wasn't going to do anything to work on the marriage and it got a lot easier for me to let him go. I mean, magic wands aren't going to heal a marriage and they aren't going to keep a marriage going either. I think I took my ring off at that point. (Yeah, it took me 6 months of separation to remove my ring. You're not the only slow learner on this board.)
I'm glad to see you finally practicing some detachment. The trip was clearly the best thing you could do for yourself in terms of beginning to gain some perspective and move forward with your own life.
I wish I had some advice for how to get him out of the house. In my case, Mr. F had been threatening to leave for about 4 months, but he never did, and we were actually sexually active together until about 2 weeks before he moved out. When he finally did move out, it was because we were in a marriage counseling session and I was telling the "therapist" how he was talking about leaving and how hard it was for me to function while he was behaving that way. The therapist asked what I wanted and I turned to Mr. F and said, "You need to go." then we spent the rest of the session talking about how he was going to execute the departure.
Is there any kind of third-party intervention that you can call to your aid to communicate with him that it is time to move forward with his plans? Could you, for example, call an extended family meeting that includes, perhaps, your dad (or someone else) who effectively gives him permission to do what he says he wants? Someone who can act as a witness for you, that you are calm and not passing judgment, just saying, OK, I'm fine with you leaving like you say you want to.
I know it galls to make a statement like that, but the mission is just to get him OUT. Sandi's tag line is "would you rather be right or be happy" and I think this might be an instance where that applies. Stop fighting him and just give him what he wants. Or at least make it look like you are, then fight like he!! for a favorable financial settlement.
Have a restful week. (((((T)))))
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
