In the beginning: very happy R and M since 2003 even with age difference. Lots of love, friendship, trust and intimacy. Seen by others and ourselves as a really good team. No history of As or big M problems. H has FOO issues which he avoids and survived a fire at 15 which killed cousin and uncle.
2013/14: Red flags with hindsight: H unhappy with job. Starts talking about doing something different but working all hours. Buys new car. Me focusing on renovating house we bought in 2012.
Aug 14: First big argument in married life because H wants to go to brothel on friend's stag do. I'm shocked and horrified. He's angry I don't trust him. We make up and start talking about both of us feeling a bit unhappy with life. Unbeknownst to me he starts talking to co-worker 'friend' too.
Sept 14: Help his aunt sell flat which is closest to what H thinks of as childhood home
Oct 14: His grandmother who was a refuge for him as a child dies which also produces some difficult interactions with his parents
Nov 14: My father diagnosed with terminal cancer. One of our cats dies while father having emergency spinal surgery
Dec 14: Gets offered new job but turns down because of father's health. I start turning away work to support parents while father having chemo.
Jan 15 - Mar 15: Number of friends and acquaintances die. We go to 9 funerals in 3 months. H says he really wants to look for new job and I encourage him although it means him probably living away during the week. H spends his birthday at work 'team' night for the first time in our M. Find out later that EA apparently tells him she won't be his 'friend' unless he leaves me. He ends EA in April but very angry with her.
May 15: H gets offered new job in London, and is living on aunt's houseboat for 3 nights a week. I'm exhausted by looking after parents and father now much worse. H breaks contact with friends and stops doing all hobbies and activities which used to please him. Financial pressure as I’m turning away work to support parents.
Jun 15: My father dies. Mother not capable, so I deal with funeral and legal stuff. I'm a bit numb. H home at weekends.
Jul 15: Bury father. H working hard and project on a deadline so 3 nights away creeps to 4-5. Mother behaving a bit oddly and very needy.
Oct 15: As I recover from first stages of grief, notice that H seems a bit distant. He tells me colleague has committed suicide. I ask; he says he's fine. I snoop (first time in my life) and find email from EA. Challenge him. He goes silent for 24 hours and then send me an email saying he has to end our marriage because I snooped. Denies EA anything but friend. Comes home at weekend and falls apart with some kind of breakdown. He's suicidal. I'm in shock and frightened. No further talk about EA or M seems possible. H wants to either die or run away from work/life.
Nov 15: H won’t come home. We meet in London and talk on phone. He finally seeks referral to psychiatrist. Says loves me, not about me or M, and determined to get well. Carries on working. Mother starts to show first big signs of vascular dementia.
Dec 15: H diagnosed with OCD/severe depression and told he will be treated as inpatient if he can’t work. Starts taking AD. Comes home for Christmas & New Year. Has panic attacks and insists on sleeping in guest room. Says ILYB and that ‘this doesn’t feel like my life’. Lots of odd behaviour and H unrecognisable. Goes AWOL on a ‘walk’ for several hours. I do all the non-DB stuff and wait for treatment to kick in so we can talk.
Jan 16: H refuses to see me, talk or respond to emails. Mother in hospital and doesn’t recognise me for the first time. I see L about how to deal with her affairs as don’t have POA. I (lierally) get knocked down by a car. Text H. Takes him 3 days to respond with ‘thank you for letting me know’.
Feb 16: H comes home for an hour to sell his car as he owes aunt money. Still unrecognisable, overwhelmed by OCD and anxiety. Refises to communicate otherwise but very emotional on leaving and asks me to stick by him.
Mar 16: I apply to Court for authority to deal with Mother’s affairs. Have to find care home for her. I’m suicidal but can’t find home for diabetic cat.
Apr 16: H gets in touch but seems very fragile. Wants to ‘be a team again’ and talk regularly on the phone. Later evidence from bank statement suggest A with OW co-worker started but could have been earlier.
May 16: We meet for a day. H still unrecognisable, looks old, fat, dead eyes but we agree that it feels good to see each other. Still talking on the phone then 9 days later I get text saying he wants a D. No reason given. Comes home. Says D is only option because he has to ‘find something on his own’. Denies A. Refuses to discuss practicalities or money. I talk to L.
Jun-Sept 16: H refuses to communicate at all. I get anonymous email death threats in July which is how I infer OW. H expresses no concern for my wellbeing but police involved. H ignores all my questions about money, house and D apart from occasional text spew. I think about filing and decide I don’t want to. Hear nothing from H on wedding anniversary.
Oct 16: H reappears. First suggests mediation then suggests MC. I’m cautious. We meet; H still unrecognisable. H makes appointment for MC in Nov.
Nov 16: H doesn’t show up to MC and goes back to silence. I tell H am putting house on the market. Mother no longer knows who I am 75% of the time. I’m suicidal again and start taking AD. H takes clothing etc from the house and steals watch he gave me as birthday gift in 2013. Ignores requests to return it.
Dec 16: House sale delayed because I need surgery for cancer. Tell H. No reply. Mother physically attackes me for first time on Christmas Eve. Hear nothing from H at Christmas or New Year.
Jan 17: H files and D paperwork drops on mat. H still incommunicado.
Feb 17: H refuses to resolve any practicalies by email, so we start exchange of L letters. H stops talking to his own L and refuses to do mediation.
Apr 17: I move to rented house 50 miles away. Court paperwork for mother finally arrives. H still not responding to L letters. H starts raiding household account for large amounts of cash.
Jun 17: H finally produces some financial disclosures which shows link to OW as well as some shocking financial stuff. I realize she has been stalking me on LinkedIn for about a year and lives 5 miles from old marital house. I decide to drop the rope and want D over with. H appears wanting to ‘chat’ every other day on the phone and says it is a horrible mess and is finding D process very ‘difficult’ (!) I say no thank you. Decree nisi on 2 June.
Jul 17: H still not responding to L letters. My L says Court is only option as H is unreasonable and evidence of lies and fraud. H decides to go to old house to do jobs. Still refusing to move furniture.Co-ordinating things by text and gmail calendar
Aug 17: Go to Court....
Me: 53 H:38 T:20 M:14 BD ILYB etc 10/15, H diagnosed severe depression S 1/16 PA 4/16 H filed 1/17
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
OMG. I'm looking at this and what a nightmare. I am amazed I'm still here.
I guess what finally made me think it was MLC, rather than 'just' an A or 'normal' break-up or WAS (well Runaway so RAS!) or even just depression fallout was two things. First, even after months, it wasn't getting less crazy or extreme. Second, my H pre-crisis was 99% a completely different person and he had erased all of his friends/life/interests as well as me and our M.
Who my H was before? Warm, intimate, funny, respected, churchgoer, romantic, kind, curious, sentimental, musical, a choral singer, joyful, lived in the moment, a good friend and husband who thought I was a terrific person. Someone whose vows mattered and who cherished me, loved his home/cats/friends. He was also prone to bouts of mild depression, found conflict difficult, naturally more introverted than me but still sociable, low self-esteem sometimes and had avoided dealing directly with FOO challenges of a narcissistic aunt, a probably bi-polar mother and a functioning alcoholic father.... As a friend said to me (and everyone who loved my H has been as shocked by this as me) it is a testament to his strength and your R that he didn't blow up before now!
And who/what is my H now? Secretive, cold, silent, unfaithful, a liar, a thief, spending money like water, still working, living for free between his aunt's home and OW's, angry, irrational, forgetful, avoids all his obligations and ignores any contact from old friends, still on Paxil, still seeing a psychiatrist, still unrecognisable, keen on tattoos, OW, trance music and work as far as I can see. Looks like someone to whom every bit of the last 20 years, his marriage and his wife are completely worthless.
No wonder I've been bewildered and struggling. No wonder, like most of us here, I can see that there is nothing I can do but leave him to it and mourn for the person I knew.
Me: 53 H:38 T:20 M:14 BD ILYB etc 10/15, H diagnosed severe depression S 1/16 PA 4/16 H filed 1/17
It's been a rollercoaster of emotions over the last 6 weeks since I found out some shocking things in the financial disclosure my STBXH eventually produced, or partially. He's changed his behaviour a tiny bit too which was unsettling.
25 asked me on my earlier thread about GaL, rather than detachment, and I said I'd been faking it. Which is true. I feel as if I got punched by life so hard two years ago that it put me in a coma. Surviving long enough to get to today was an achievement by itself.
So where am I today? I am past the worst of my grief for my father, my mother and my husband and thank God for that. I miss them all but I can see life around the edges now. I no longer believe that I will see my H again or that any kind of reconciliation is possible. I accept that I'll never really know what happened to him or why he decided to treat me so shabbily after 20 years. I think I let too much of myself be subsumed by supporting the needs of others, including my family, and I thought they had my back when they didn't or couldn't. I don't want a H who lies to me or the soap opera that my life became two years ago. I want a life that feels honest and kind again. I never thought I would be divorced, but now I just want the chaos of it over and done with. I feel humiliated by how my H, who I trusted, has treated me but I don't feel less of a person or a woman for it. I suppose it just means that either we had a different understanding of love or different values about being a decent person. This was never about me. If it had been, I could have influenced it somehow but I couldn't. I don't need to know why to see what is. I don't need an apology to be compassionate. I don't need permission to still, quietly, love and mourn my husband.
A new life then. Ok, well pretty much everything is a mess and I'm tired of being the only grown up standing dealing with everyone else's consequences. I'd like to be less grown up about a bunch of things! I'm not sure I can make a big plan but maybe I can make a 6 month one and have a sense of direction.
I like living by the sea and I'd like to stay here in my rented house for another couple of years. Right now my lease runs until April. I'd like to have sex again before I forget how to do it! I'd like to keep adding new things to try - places, activities - as part of my GAL to get back to a 'why not' approach to life that I used to have. I don't intend to get married again or share finances but I would like to have fun and affection and companionship. In the next 6 months, to really GAL, I need to: - finally sever all financial and practical connections to my STBXH so I never need to have any contact with him again - rebuild my financial security and independence - create a new way of working as a self-employed woman that sustains and excites me - treasure the things that mattered and find new treasures - feel and look like a woman in her 50s that a fool left!
How does that sound?
I wish my STBXH would just go 'pfff' and disappear really, along with the tranches of paperwork and legal bills...I don't want him to die, but sometimes think it would be so much easier if he did. Is that awful?
And am I a fraud to be here if I'm no longer trying to save my marriage or reconcile? Or is it enough to need the DB 2x4s just for me?
Me: 53 H:38 T:20 M:14 BD ILYB etc 10/15, H diagnosed severe depression S 1/16 PA 4/16 H filed 1/17
RR17...Aug 17 (next) - sorry, are you saying I should be trying to understand? Or you're trying to understand why going to Court is the next step? Or something else???
Me: 53 H:38 T:20 M:14 BD ILYB etc 10/15, H diagnosed severe depression S 1/16 PA 4/16 H filed 1/17
It does, Kaizen! Appreciate it's a long list but I've seen others do it and it keeps the 'facts' real for me when I'm feeling sad and yearning for who my H was to me
Me: 53 H:38 T:20 M:14 BD ILYB etc 10/15, H diagnosed severe depression S 1/16 PA 4/16 H filed 1/17
It's been a rollercoaster of emotions over the last 6 weeks since I found out some shocking things in the financial disclosure my STBXH eventually produced, or partially. He's changed his behaviour a tiny bit too which was unsettling.
Look at your ^^^^timeline a few posts up, from Nov 16th on...and ask yourself if his behavioral "changes" are going to turn this ship around. He is meekly asking for "chats" of 10 minutes every other day (you know, he doesn't want to invest too much, of course)
His admission HE has made a mess but is NOT willing to change financially to your benefit - as he only wants to chat LATER ON
like when he's taken the rest of what he thinks he is "entitled" to, then he may want to "chat" more substantively.
Really? The reality of what he is doing and has done, periodically makes him feel uncomfortable. (Oh...)
If he continued to be a full on jerk, I guess that would be slightly less confusing to you but not less painful.
Just b/c he slightly falters is not a reason for YOU to take more risks. I worry for you.
25 asked me on my earlier thread about GaL, rather than detachment, and I said I'd been faking it. actually I meant that I do not believe we can detach without GAL.
We can only think ourselves out of this to the extent we do Cognitive work & see things as they are & not delude ourselves,
but Imo, we still need to GAL to FEEL better.
Which is true. I feel as if I got punched by life so hard two years ago that it put me in a coma. Surviving long enough to get to today was an achievement by itself.
So where am I today? I am past the worst of my grief for my father, my mother and my husband and thank God for that. I miss them all but I can see life around the edges now. I no longer believe that I will see my H again or that any kind of reconciliation is possible. I accept that I'll never really know what happened to him or why he decided to treat me so shabbily after 20 years.
we must accept a lot of things we don't understand. Sheryl Sandberg (CEO of Facebook who lost her h suddenly) wrote a book called "Option B" -and mentioned that the worst pain is the pain we don't understand. But as Caroline Myss says,
"Endless wondering is endless suffering"...and Sandberg more or less echoes that.
Your life is radically different now. We are not the first people to face this, but it reeks.
What would your parents tell you if they could, that they wish for you? - I don't want a H who lies to me or the soap opera that my life became two years ago. I want a life that feels honest and kind again. Treasur, a small 2 x 4....you say things like this^^^ often. Are you still trying to convince yourself that it's reasonable and healthy to want this, or are you looping around (which I am wont to do), or what? FYI of course you want an honest loving life
and tragically, your h cannot provide that anymore.
Last night I read some fiction and in that, the character realizes in a flash that she will NOT be rescued. She must rescue herself. She feels tested by this.
It may not sound like a big deal but I had a real aha moment when I read that^^.
At some level I believe part of me has been waiting to wake up from this nightmare, after a 35 year marriage and 2 years of dating,
the reality is that what I had is GONE.....and I have to rescue myself. As I dither and wonder and fret & rage, time marches forward.
I feel a growing sense of urgency, a mix of fear and sadness & fury, AND liberation and excitement are all wrapped in a ball of emotions.
GAL is all I can do to detach and move forward.
- I don't need to know why to see what is.
correct
heck, I don't really understand electricity but I use it everyday.
I don't need an apology to be compassionate. I don't need permission to still, quietly, love and mourn my husband. True. But is it helping you to stay stuck or to process and move forward?
I know I tend to ruminate a lot, and I work hard to stop it.
- I'm not sure I can make a big plan but maybe I can make a 6 month one and have a sense of direction. a sense of purpose and some structure are things I know I need. How about you?
I like living by the sea and I'd like to stay here in my rented house for another couple of years. Right now my lease runs until April. I'd like to have sex again before I forget how to do it! The Seaside rental - if it makes financial sense - YES it makes total sense. As for the sex issue, I made a NYE's resolution to have sex this year...(and it's almost August)...yikes!
I'd like to keep adding new things to try - places, activities - as part of my GAL to get back to a 'why not' approach to life that I used to have. Yes^^^^
I don't intend to get married again or share finances you don't need to decide ^^^this atm
but I would like to have fun and affection and companionship. In the next 6 months, to really GAL, I need to: - finally sever all financial and practical connections to my STBXH so I never need to have any contact with him again - rebuild my financial security and independence - create a new way of working as a self-employed woman that sustains and excites me - treasure the things that mattered and find new treasures - feel and look like a woman in her 50s that a fool left!
How does that sound? excellent
I wish my STBXH would just go 'pfff' and disappear really, along with the tranches of paperwork and legal bills...I don't want him to die, but sometimes think it would be so much easier if he did. Is that awful? no i get it. If they had died, we'd get the whole event all done in a short ritual (& people give you free food). And am I a fraud to be here if I'm no longer trying to save my marriage or reconcile? Or is it enough to need the DB 2x4s just for me?
I'm not trying to save my m, I'm trying to save myself.
DBing helps
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
