Feeling defeated

[sophene]

I had a talk with him last night and he agreed to be friends first because he lost so much connection with me that he doesn't know if he can fall back in love with me again. I looked into his eyes and said that I apologized for every wrong and hurtful things I did to him. 12 years ago, when we were just friends in the Marine Corps, he heard the news that his closest cousin had passed away due to leukemia at the age of 12. He was crushed and cried in my arms. I was devastated and tried to comfort him as much as possible. I've never met his cousin but have heard wonderful things about her. At the time, I told him that God loved her so much that he wanted her for himself and that she will always be in his heart and watching over him. I told him to celebrate her life and not think about her death. At that moment, we knew that we were the one for each other.

Just when I was about to lose hope and just give into the divorce so he can be happy once and for all, his cousin came into my dreams Friday night. She had a message for me to forgive him and not give up on him. Mind you I have never met her and 12 years later, she came into my dreams. This was so strange to me.

I have no clue how the divorce process works, I've looked it up online for the laws in GA but I am still confused. Once he files, I have 30 days to file a complaint. He said that once we go before a judge, I can respond on whether I want the divorce or not. If we don't agree, the divorce process will take longer. He said he is willing to postpone once we have a hearing date. He already paid for a lawyer and now I have to borrow money to get a lawyer. This all could of been avoided if I had not impulsively threatened full custody. My emotions take over at times and I tend to react before I think about things, no wonder why I feel like a failure as a wife.

He said that he wanted us to be friends first so he can see the change in me. I admit, over the years, I didn't show him the attention that he needed and so he felt devalued as a husband. I used to be a very confident, social, and happy person. As the years go by, life takes over, I was stress, overwhelmed from the responsibilities as a mother, student, wife, and maintaining a household. I had built up resentment with him over time, we got into frequent arguments and slowly disconnected.

During this separation, I had a self-reflection on how I was wrong and how I treated my husband. I felt so bad and had apologized to him. I believe that deep down, he really doesn't want a divorce but is stuck. I just need to prove to him that I can change and make myself happy. I just don't know how to be friends with him because my emotions can take over. Any advice given will be appreciated.