In the beginning: very happy R and M since 2003 even with age difference. Lots of love, friendship, trust and intimacy. Seen by others and ourselves as a really good team. No history of As or big M problems. H has FOO issues which he avoids and survived a fire at 15 which killed cousin and uncle.
2013/14: Red flags with hindsight: H unhappy with job. Starts talking about doing something different but working all hours. Buys new car. Me focusing on renovating house we bought in 2012.
Aug 14: First big argument in married life because H wants to go to brothel on friend's stag do. I'm shocked and horrified. He's angry I don't trust him. We make up and start talking about both of us feeling a bit unhappy with life. Unbeknownst to me he starts talking to co-worker 'friend' too.
Sept 14: Help his aunt sell flat which is closest to what H thinks of as childhood home
Oct 14: His grandmother who was a refuge for him as a child dies which also produces some difficult interactions with his parents
Nov 14: My father diagnosed with terminal cancer. One of our cats dies while father having emergency spinal surgery
Dec 14: Gets offered new job but turns down because of father's health. I start turning away work to support parents while father having chemo.
Jan 15 - Mar 15: Number of friends and acquaintances die. We go to 9 funerals in 3 months. H says he really wants to look for new job and I encourage him although it means him probably living away during the week. H spends his birthday at work 'team' night for the first time in our M. Find out later that EA apparently tells him she won't be his 'friend' unless he leaves me. He ends EA in April but very angry with her.
May 15: H gets offered new job in London, and is living on aunt's houseboat for 3 nights a week. I'm exhausted by looking after parents and father now much worse. H breaks contact with friends and stops doing all hobbies and activities which used to please him. Financial pressure as I’m turning away work to support parents.
Jun 15: My father dies. Mother not capable, so I deal with funeral and legal stuff. I'm a bit numb. H home at weekends.
Jul 15: Bury father. H working hard and project on a deadline so 3 nights away creeps to 4-5. Mother behaving a bit oddly and very needy.
Oct 15: As I recover from first stages of grief, notice that H seems a bit distant. He tells me colleague has committed suicide. I ask; he says he's fine. I snoop (first time in my life) and find email from EA. Challenge him. He goes silent for 24 hours and then send me an email saying he has to end our marriage because I snooped. Denies EA anything but friend. Comes home at weekend and falls apart with some kind of breakdown. He's suicidal. I'm in shock and frightened. No further talk about EA or M seems possible. H wants to either die or run away from work/life.
Nov 15: H won’t come home. We meet in London and talk on phone. He finally seeks referral to psychiatrist. Says loves me, not about me or M, and determined to get well. Carries on working. Mother starts to show first big signs of vascular dementia.
Dec 15: H diagnosed with OCD/severe depression and told he will be treated as inpatient if he can’t work. Starts taking AD. Comes home for Christmas & New Year. Has panic attacks and insists on sleeping in guest room. Says ILYB and that ‘this doesn’t feel like my life’. Lots of odd behaviour and H unrecognisable. Goes AWOL on a ‘walk’ for several hours. I do all the non-DB stuff and wait for treatment to kick in so we can talk.
Jan 16: H refuses to see me, talk or respond to emails. Mother in hospital and doesn’t recognise me for the first time. I see L about how to deal with her affairs as don’t have POA. I (lierally) get knocked down by a car. Text H. Takes him 3 days to respond with ‘thank you for letting me know’.
Feb 16: H comes home for an hour to sell his car as he owes aunt money. Still unrecognisable, overwhelmed by OCD and anxiety. Refises to communicate otherwise but very emotional on leaving and asks me to stick by him.
Mar 16: I apply to Court for authority to deal with Mother’s affairs. Have to find care home for her. I’m suicidal but can’t find home for diabetic cat.
Apr 16: H gets in touch but seems very fragile. Wants to ‘be a team again’ and talk regularly on the phone. Later evidence from bank statement suggest A with OW co-worker started but could have been earlier.
May 16: We meet for a day. H still unrecognisable, looks old, fat, dead eyes but we agree that it feels good to see each other. Still talking on the phone then 9 days later I get text saying he wants a D. No reason given. Comes home. Says D is only option because he has to ‘find something on his own’. Denies A. Refuses to discuss practicalities or money. I talk to L.
Jun-Sept 16: H refuses to communicate at all. I get anonymous email death threats in July which is how I infer OW. H expresses no concern for my wellbeing but police involved. H ignores all my questions about money, house and D apart from occasional text spew. I think about filing and decide I don’t want to. Hear nothing from H on wedding anniversary.
Oct 16: H reappears. First suggests mediation then suggests MC. I’m cautious. We meet; H still unrecognisable. H makes appointment for MC in Nov.
Nov 16: H doesn’t show up to MC and goes back to silence. I tell H am putting house on the market. Mother no longer knows who I am 75% of the time. I’m suicidal again and start taking AD. H takes clothing etc from the house and steals watch he gave me as birthday gift in 2013. Ignores requests to return it.
Dec 16: House sale delayed because I need surgery for cancer. Tell H. No reply. Mother physically attackes me for first time on Christmas Eve. Hear nothing from H at Christmas or New Year.
Jan 17: H files and D paperwork drops on mat. H still incommunicado.
Feb 17: H refuses to resolve any practicalies by email, so we start exchange of L letters. H stops talking to his own L and refuses to do mediation.
Apr 17: I move to rented house 50 miles away. Court paperwork for mother finally arrives. H still not responding to L letters. H starts raiding household account for large amounts of cash.
Jun 17: H finally produces some financial disclosures which shows link to OW as well as some shocking financial stuff. I realize she has been stalking me on LinkedIn for about a year and lives 5 miles from old marital house. I decide to drop the rope and want D over with. H appears wanting to ‘chat’ every other day on the phone and says it is a horrible mess and is finding D process very ‘difficult’ (!) I say no thank you. Decree nisi on 2 June.
Jul 17: H still not responding to L letters. My L says Court is only option as H is unreasonable and evidence of lies and fraud. H decides to go to old house to do jobs. Still refusing to move furniture.Co-ordinating things by text and gmail calendar
Aug 17: Go to Court....
Me: 53 H:38 T:20 M:14 BD ILYB etc 10/15, H diagnosed severe depression S 1/16 PA 4/16 H filed 1/17
