Thanks, 25. Here's what I'm proud of being able to do now. - Taking control of the £/D process and breaking the loop of asking/waiting for him to behave like a rational person. Going to Court isn't a great choice, but it's the only one his behaviour leaves as a way to protect myself. - Seeing that protecting myself is about money, but maybe even more about removing his insanity and WTF from my life. I want to feel calm and steady again. I need that to build new good things. - That I can practically detach even though I'm not emotionally detached. Sometimes I flail around with all the same questions I did in the beginning...but I don't act on them like I did. I think it is hard to know what to do with the questions where you feel the other person is part of that conversation. But I'm learning (soooo slowly!) to focus on my own questions.
So, GAL? I've been pretty good at faking it - everything from small comforts to big adventures. Accidentally sometimes I've found little nuggets in there. But I am faking it; it still doesn't feel like more than a band aid.
I think that's because of two things really. The first is that the D process is like an ongoing reminder of the chaos and WTF. It will be better when it's done. The second, which is more important, is I'm not sure who I am now or what will make a better life than I had. (Not that it was perfect and some bits I don't miss at all, but it had some treasures too which are gone.) Surviving the last two years - not just my H but my family too - has changed me. Don't know if that's good or bad, just is. I'm way more introverted. I'm slower. I'm more scared and braver at the same time. I have no plan longer than about 3 months ahead. My faith is stronger. I'm more humble. I'm lonely but find it less tiring to be alone. I'm like this paler version of myself.
GAL for me is about three things next - building a new business which sustains me financially and emotionally; carrying on with the fake GAL stuff so I don't disconnect from life outside my head; physical exercise and feeling stronger.
And I guess accepting that I will never get how you love someone for years and treat them as my H has treated me. And that I have lost things/people who mattered to me and it hurts but they are still dead, so now and then I'll have a bad day.
Me: 53 H:38 T:20 M:14 BD ILYB etc 10/15, H diagnosed severe depression S 1/16 PA 4/16 H filed 1/17
