Many, many things,trouble me here, most obvious of which is her reluctance to "hurt" the OM further.As her H of 20 years, I know her well... or,at least the sweet tender hearted girl she used to be. She was, in fact, always very hesitanr, to a fault even, to hurt anyone, or,even to disappoint or say "no" to someone. Maybe empathy, maybe cowardice, maybe a bit od both. Sometimes this can and has led to greater pain for people she's known, myself included. I experienced this well firsthand when we were dating and she wasn't ready, and I got strung along a bit before figuring it out and then us taking a break. Whatever, the idea that she would not want to make a simple phone call to a grown man who surely knew what he was getting into messing with his friends wife and could easily have anticipated any potential "hurt", or that she would value this OM'S feelings more than mine or her marriage, is one that bothers me a LOT. (She says, "you KNOW how hard it is for me to think I've hurt somebody". And I actually have some insight into this ... one of the convos I overheard between her and bff, though partly unintelligable, was to the effect of bff asking W "are you going to cut contact with om while trying to work things out with jim", and w responding something like "I have already hurt jim, I don't want to have,to hurt OM, too.) Whatever, I still find the concept repugnant, though, as she says, if she HAS finally cUT the cord, she HAS finally "hurt everyone". But she's obviously still way too conflicted, at best,candidate still too committed to OM at worst.
The bff is a BIG problem. Lifetime friend, VERY wayward. Tell each other everything and strong mutually reinforcing support. Most troubling, bff (my own bff's separated W, remember) just got outed as having been continuing an A with ANOTHER mutual close friend, which affair she had SWORN was over. That situation has disturbing parallels to my own, and I can't help but wonder, perhaps irrationally, if Ws bff (who is saying she has "never been happier")is cheerleafing my own W to stray ("see, you can be like me") even though W says that bff told her to NOT have the A, and I DID hear bff once telling her "you really should cut contact if you are going to go to counsEllington to work on MR" aND also her speaking in neutral terms vis a vis me and OM. But still. My own W seems clearly okay with bff having this A with my friends other good friend (in her defense, my bff released her to do such things, but the betrayal by our other friend was a bit much-- it has resulted in a few broken friendships.) Anyway, clearly a very bad influence-- very jaded view of M and long term commitment, three tome loser in terms of having affairs, heavy drinker and regular pot smoker, sometimes enabler of my W's own A, whatever lip service she may say otherwise, and now, apparently, irritated with me for being "controlling". Oh, and she has apparently shared with her new beautiful (a college friend and frat brother of both mine and my own bff) lots of pics of my W with OM (presumably because that relationship is the anticipated resolution for my W?) which I heard her telling my W that "it's still weird for him to see pics of you with OM." Bad. Influence. (For color, these two convos were from about two months ago.)
Anyway, I got problems. I can insist o some things but NC with bff will prolly never happen.
I do intend to confront OM and warn him off of any further advances on Monday l, when I know with absolute certainty where he will be in the evening.
Oh, and one more thing, Sandi...
Quote:
Maybe you should require her to read about the addiction in affairs and how it works like a drug and....what it takes to break the addictive hold.
Dont suppose you could point me in the direction of any such resources, could you? Our sometime MC is actually very smart in this area, but dont know if W trusts her enough at this point. If W could be convinced to go to her for IC, that would be ideal, but dont know if she would. I have gotten impression from MC in my own IC sesssions that my W is not exactly eager and open and forthcoming, and in fact quite likely the opposite ("closed") in the couple of IC sessions she has had. MC has basically said she seems pretty resistant to having full-length sessions and to opening up when she has the shorter sessions-- this as an indicator of her interest in the MC in general.
Last edited by Cadet; 07/31/1708:31 AM. Reason: Combine posts
H53/W51, R-ing 4/'18
"Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires"-Sg.of Sg 2:7
"So oftentimes it happens,that we live our lives in chains, & we never even know we have the key"-Eagles III 1:3
