Your w had valid reasons for her marital dissatisfaction that's just not relevant now,IF you are owning it and IF she wants to be m.
Couldn't have said it better myself.
The biggest thing that jumps out to me in your W's talk is how she protects the OM's feelings. She is concerned about the pain she could cause for OM? She doesn't want to give her own H the assurance he needs by calling OM in front of him.........b/c she doesn't want to hurt OM's feelings? These are very telling signs that she is faking the whole thing, just like the last time you caught her. In fact, the whole thing about the second phone sounds too much like the first one.
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Anyhoo, she says she now wants to try to work on our issues, that she knows I probably don't feel like doing so right now, that [again] she is "sorry she hurt and betrayed me", that she "understands" why I would not trust her and why I would feel disrespected and betrayed. She said she did not "harbor any anger" towards me anymore about my neglect of her (although she says she did initially in all of this) although it still does frustrate her that the issue of the A/OM seems to overshadow everything else even though she suffered alot and is still in alot of turmoil. (Though she says she "owns that" and realizes she "brought alot of that on herself".)
I hope you will take time to think about what you need from her in order to trust her again. This is the perfect time to do it. You don't have to give a boundary, just tell her about how transparency works and why it is necessary. But one tip here.........do NOT tell her about the surveillance. You need that to remain concealed b/c having at least one source that she is not aware, will tell you if she is being trustworthy or not. As long as she has the option to control whatever app she is using, then there is too much room for doubt. And, I suggest you go for a few days before looking at her apps. When you do check, choose at time when she least expects it.
I think she is trying to secure her place in the home. She has only been thinking two days, so just wait till the craving begins to contact OM. She'll say she doesn't know what made her contact him! Maybe you should require her to read about the addiction in affairs and how it works like a drug and....what it takes to break the addictive hold.
You have started turning the dynamics in this relationship. Don't get too chatty with her about your feelings. Continue to hold a protective distance for a while. She needs to see that you won't cave so easily this time around. If you give her the chance to work on R, then she needs to know what will be required. It won't be so easy for her this time, and you won't accept less.
Give it a few days and see how she's talking and acting, then you can decide what you want to do. It's important that she is committed to doing whatever is necessary to save the M. And, you may have to tell her, that if you decide to give it another chance, it won't be on "her" terms. Not that you will be a dictator or anything, but you aren't going to sway to her same old song & dance. You will lead this dance. KWIM?
Good job in playing it cool and not jumping at her words. When her behavior lines up with her words.....in a reasonable length of time, then you can start believing that she is seriously trying to do the right thing in her MR. (That's FYI only). If she commits and you feel satisfied she is do what you've asked (and none of this business of doing it "her" way), you can begin working more on the piecing. She just has to get this affair behind her.
P.S. I hope she will begin to see her BFF for the enabler she really is.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
