My question that I haven't found from reading these many Newcomer threads is this. If I still suspect there is some type of A going on, should I proceed as if there is or just a WAW until my suspicions are confirmed?
Hi RR, I am looking at your thread and you sounded as if you started out great, but you are unsure b/c of not having evidence of an A. And, since you've said that an A would definitely be a deal breaker......you are a little perplexed as what to do before there is proof in the pudding (so to speak).
I think her track record speaks loudly. You are familiar with her behavior quirks from her previous involvements. She has said she's not happy. Need to S, yada......yada.....yada.
When a LBH remains under the same roof with a W who wants out and away from him......he can quickly succumb to all sorts of stressful nuances within a short period of time. He has difficulty seeing black and white, so he operates in the gray zone. Most times, operating in gray areas confuses him more and requires a bit of his own self-esteem and/or self-respect. He finds when he compromises with his W, he often feels he is compromising his integrity. Sooner or later the smallest decisions becomes harder & harder to know where to draw the line. Therefore, he needs a plan of action.
What is his overall goal? What is the goal worth to him? Where does it fall on his list of importance What is he willing to sacrifice to obtain it?
Most newcomers believe their overall goal is to save their M. It means everything to them. Without the M, nothing else seems important. They are willing to do anything, in order to save the M. If this describes your current mindset, I hope you will dig deeper and re-evaluate. Sometimes a man sacrifices his dignity, his integrity, his values, his position of leadership, his inner strength, and his respect. No man should have to sacrifice any of these for his M. You know what I mean? He needs these traits to conduct himself like a man of honor, and to feel like a man of worth. I suggest that when putting together a plan of action, you will ask yourself how it will affect these things that work in making up who you are as a man.
Take time to carefully think about the principles, values, morals, and spiritual beliefs by which you live your life. Most of us were raised to conduct ourselves by certain standards. You will need to be keenly aware of those standards as guidelines in helping your decision-making skills. At the same time, be open minded enough to learn information provided on the board. You are in charge of your decisions, nobody else, not even your W. You control one person......and that is RR17. DBing is counterintuitive and you often have to put your feelings aside, in order to do what works effectively.
We are your peers, some are as new as you, and some have been here longer. Not every situation is a exactly the same. However, as you read other threads, you'll be surprised to see how familiar they begin to sound.
The WW, in particular, are amazingly similar in mindset and behavior. Although various personalities.......they talk and act as if they all studied the same handbook. We call it, following script.
Although some posters will tell you not to mind read.......which, btw, is good advice.........some of my posts might sound as if that's exactly what I'm doing. I am a former WW and have observed and read the subject for some time...so I will try to explain the traits and mindset of the WW.
I encourage you to post every chance you get.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
