(Terry Jones): I think she's dead.

[LoisB]

Thanks B ;-)

You will get here. And, we will have a party!

Four things-

So many moments brought me to this point, but here are three that seem to stick with me--

1. I really drew strength from women like Job, Bea, Shining and so many more, who took their lives from pain and chaos to calm and steady. My goal was a peaceful life. Conflict-free is the goal--only a man offering energy recharge, as opposed to depletion is worth it.

2. I read this book about the journey from abandonment. It was a game changer. She writes that the key to surviving abandonment is to create a life that's better than the one you had before you were left in the dark. It kinda puts things into perspective during the grieving process. Yep, I was profoundly rejected, BUT... I've created a life I love and would I switch this life with the old one? NOT A CHANCE. The girls actually made a list about what a dream life would look like. My youngest and I made a series of vision boards--we'd achieve a bunch-and make a new one. We chose, together, where we wanted to live.

3. My H was one of those that went AWOL. While we struggled to eat and pay bills and make repairs on our home, he was living like a college student. He went months without seeing our girls. At one point, after he hadn't seen them in like 6 months, we ran into someone we knew, who told me how they had just seen Matt at a pig roast the weekend before--only a few miles from our home. My girls heard this and their faces went white. My old life was dead. And, hearing about their dad being so close--it was heartbreaking--one of a million heartbreaks. It was a turning point. I needed to look ahead and leave this dead dream I was still stuck in. If he really wanted to be with us, to make changes, to become the man our girls deserved--he would need to come to them. He would have to make the effort--only then would they see they are worth it.

4. Treat it like a death. Grieve him like you would if you were a widow. I actually changed my FB status to Widow, then opened a new page and left the old one as a sort relic. For my kids, their dad died. We all had to grieve the loss. Oldest D has created a new relationship, where she is very clear that he hasn't earned the right to give parental advice... yet. She went hiking a few weeks ago, and told her dad because you know the drill--you have to let three people know where you are headed--he told her, "Tell your mom." Big D responded, "Um Dad, no, don't think you are first on the list. Mom already knows. She comes first--you haven't earned that yet."

I fought hard for my marriage--harder than he deserved. And, I still think marriage is a sacrament and families should remain intact. However, I couldn't force someone to make changes, to be something other than he was. His choice. If someone chooses to leave, disengage, let them. There's only one Heather and he isn't married to her anymore. Poor sap.