Trying to detach from WTF world

[Treasur]

Nothing from STBXH (aka sound of silence) on either legal stuff or actions (ha ha) he is going to take if he does want to 'salvage' something as he said. Natch. No surprise but then I had no expectations. He won't know yet that my next L letter will be a last warning shot that I'll be taking us to Court on the 16th August...guess he'll get that on Monday.

Then text from him this morning because he is going to our old house to do some maintenance jobs I'd asked him to do months ago, asking me what else I needed him to do while he was there and that he'll be there from about midday. Friendly but teenage text speak (why do MLCers do that?). I left it an hour and replied 'Will you take out the bins when you leave? Thanks'. Hey ho.

What it made me think about is fear and assumptions. When I hear from him or anything to do with the legal stuff, I still get a sick feeling in my stomach. I feel as if I'm vulnerable and another WTF shock is coming. And that's a weird feeling because this used to be someone who loved me and who I trusted. I've never had fear and anxiety as a big thread in my life until two years ago.

And assumptions. I heard my head do this quick angry 'well, I guess you're having a relaxed sex brunch with OW in her house 5 miles away so not rushing over'. Stopped that. Then heard it replaced with 'well maybe you're not with her anymore and you are on the train up from London, which would explain the timing because the most likely train gets in at...' Stopped that too, although it took a bit longer. F**king hopium, grrr. Of course, I don't know. Either, or something else, could be true. He might even be lying about going to the house. No way of knowing.

What it does tell me is how far I am from being emotionally detached, even if I can do it logically with my actions. And how much I miss a past time in my life where my head wasn't constantly buzzing, I wasn't frightened and I took things at face value.

I hate this. I hate that someone who was my best friend took a flamethrower to 20 years of my life, s**t all over me and decided I was his enemy and OW his heroine. I hate it.