WW in A. NC promise broke. Separation? (5th thread

[25yearsmlc]

Jim,

I'm guarded in posting to you, b/c you do lash out when it's not what you want to hear or it's literally skimmed over. I'm not here to tell you to get a divorce.

I'm advising you as best I can, in a way that is most likely to help you restore your m. It's not about just living in the same house, is it?

Nope, I am not saying it'll work out. I'm saying I literally believe an approach of appeasement is not likely to result in a lasting marriage. Your w had valid reasons for her marital dissatisfaction that's just not relevant now,IF you are owning it and IF she wants to be m.

Your recent interaction on the phone was solid boundary setting. I complimented it, btw.


I sense another attempt to "talk" coming tonight. Right now, I have told her I am not interestep in talking about MR (don't trust her enough). But have been in the position of listening a couple of times. Monday, after most recent blow up, when she had supposedly called OM to "say they couldn't talk anymore so she could figure out things with hoosjim",


Don't freak, but Other than her relayed version of a call, is there evidence that this conversation took place? Why wasn't it made in front of you?

she asked me "what else do you want from me", to which I responded "I don't want anything ftom you, I don't trust you. If YOU want ME to trust you, if there is ever to be any hope of that, I would need you to come to me and say "what do you need me to do", and mean it, and then be willing to follow through. In other words I'd need you to prove it." And that's where that kind of got left.

so she asks what you want from her, and you say nothing. But then you say you want her to ask you what you "need from her, and mean it and then follow through"? Follow through on what? I mean, this^^ is confusing to me.

My suggestion is to know what you want and clearly communicate it. No more retractions or modifications or partials. It's not neurosurgery if the person really wants to recommit.

The one thing clear in Blu's thread (and 10 years ago for me), was that the WAS wanted back in and at least said and did things showing that. I wish we had pieced more deeply and consistency, but that's for after the reconciliation - and you are not there yet.

The point I have been making (and I am not alone in making it, btw)

is that your wife does not yet seem committed to reconcile. Let alone to piecing...

So where does that leave you? Is there a time line for you?




My question is... what should I be needing to see from her demeanor-wise to give her any kind of access?

(access to what?) As for what you "should be needing", I think the question is what do you need?

I can't see anything she would say or do that would make me want to stop the separation progression. But is that maybe too harsh and inflexible?

Why not clearly specify some actions from her that you would need to work on the m?

Make sure they are important and clear, and make sure you are truly ready to act if she cannot or will not comply.