Thanks all for stopping by, sorry I've not posted we've been really busy. I reached angry last Friday when H didn't attend S's last day of primary school and angry is a much better place than where I was. Yes I am still heartbroken and hurting but I am managing it better. The next wave was him telling the kids and he had already got an inkling by that point that I was detaching from him. I know his aggression towards me is his own guilt he has admitted that when he is lucid and reasonable and then just attacks me again. I am also managing this better and telling him that none of this is my fault and he needs to stop taking it out on me then ending the call or conversation politely if it continues.
DO has started to talk and write her feelings down. She wrote him a letter today which is very astute for an 8 year old. She told him that she knew that it was his choice but she didn't like or understand his choice when Mummy has a snazzy new haircut, lol (I had my hair extensions out yesterday and my hair cut shorter than I've had it for about 15 years).
The way I see his sitch currently is he's on a boat on the rapids with OW and it was new and exciting whilst he had me as his life jacket. I have removed the life jacket this week and he is now panicking. I still want my H and my M but currently that is not an option so I am working on me and the kids and having fun with friends he turns up when he turns up and does the odd temperature check which I don't respond to. I am nobody's back up plan. He's allegedly working this weekend so we should have a peaceful one and he's told the kids he will see them Monday.
AS don't worry I have a solicitor and everything he is doing is in his name and I am fully protected.
SJ
Me 46 H 39 M 11 T 14 S 10 DO 8 ILYBNILWY 11.06.17 Separate rooms 11.06.17 ILW OW A ongoing 12.06.17 Kicked H out 23.6.17 H came home 20.8.17
I typed quite a long post yesterday as the anger has subsided into what I can only describe as feeling overwhelmed with it all.
I broke down Monday night after he left and had to go to a friends. My Mum has come to stay for a few days at DO's request, she's still not talking though and if asked she just says there's no point Daddy's had a chat with us.
I struggling. This time 11 years ago I was in labour with our S, our first born and it was the two of us starting our family following our M. Today I'm sitting with a heavy heart dreading him coming back tonight as every time I see him he looks like my H but he isn't.
I need to pull myself up and get smiling. We are meeting for coffee to discuss S's Birthday tomorrow, yes I was in labour for 25 hours, the school holidays and when he will be having them and where and also the house and getting it on the market. He needs to make some time to help me with this as it is physically impossible for me whilst looking after 2 kids who are off school. If he can't won't then I will have to pay someone and it will have to come out of the proceeds of the sale.
He's staying here tonight as it's S's Birthday tomorrow I allowed it for S. My Mum is here but she has been fine with him for the kids sake but still it's awkward and all I want to do is run away. I wish I was still angry I felt like I could move a mountain last week.
Me 46 H 39 M 11 T 14 S 10 DO 8 ILYBNILWY 11.06.17 Separate rooms 11.06.17 ILW OW A ongoing 12.06.17 Kicked H out 23.6.17 H came home 20.8.17
We LBS also have our rollercoaster ride to contend with and last week you were at the back of the queue this week it’s your turn…
I recently celebrated our S8 birthday BUT my WW was nowhere to be seen, his brother and I took him to watch a film he wanted to watch and had a birthday dinner at night all without his mum there! This aided me in two different ways. 1. Imagine the impact it had with my WW not being with her family when we were “celebrating” a major event. 2. Demonstrated to her that she had given up the right to be a family due to her actions.
Don’t get me wrong I’m not the sort to be vengeful and I’m sure she celebrated his birthday with him AND the AP/LO but again no more MNG, we went out and GAL’ed as a family minus mum and she was left to her own devices. You mention you are willing for your WS to stay the night due to a birthday he must be happy about this? How do you feel? How does your mum really feel? IMHO the only winner here is your WS and I of course understand that you feel it best for your S. How would you feel if something “better” cropped up say the AP/LO made alternate plans on the same night? Do you think he’d say “sorry I’m spending the night at my BS house and being with my boy on his birthday” if that is the case then your situation has just turn the corner. What do you really think would happen if he was given that option?
What I’m trying to say is maybe you should say to him can you arrange to HAVE S the day after his birthday as I have plans for the kids and I that doesn’t involve you. SJ you also need to prepare yourself for the AP/LO being part of your children’s lives, we can’t control this unless done legally. There was no way for me to stop him getting involved with my boys and this is possibly now the worst thing I face about my situation.
Again this is my view and I know everybody’s situation is different and only YOU can choose what to do for the best.
Take care.
Mark.
DR'ing started March 2017
Don't blow the last bridge up from fantasy island, act "as if".
I haven’t posted for a couple of weeks partly because it just been more of the same from H and partly because I’ve been so busy trying to get the house ready to put on the market.
I took the kids away for a few days to the seaside last Friday and we hadn’t heard from H in nearly a week. I knew he was abroad with OW although he hadn’t told me, he said he was working. He text Friday night asking if we had arrived and we exchanged a few texts about the following week as he was having the kids. I asked if he could call the following day as I was busy, he asked if he could speak to the kids so I told him to ring S’s phone, he rang mine. I gave it straight to my S to answer and then he passed to DO who then brought it back to me with him still on the line. I politely told him I was busy and could he call tomorrow, he agreed. Saturday afternoon he rang and we had a very friendly and civilised chat about the kids and about the arrangements for the coming week. H went off the phone and within an hour after no activity on social media for over a week a picture is posted of him and OW on his FB page, his Mum rang me asking me what he was playing at so fortunately I didn’t see it. Sunday evening H calls S’s phone and speaks to both kids which was fine and they went to play out and I was just sat watching them and he called me. So in hindsight 3 phone calls in 3 days when he’s supposedly on a dream holiday should have been a good sign but I was so wrapped up in the fact that they were abroad together and he’d lied to me I completely missed it. It was obvious as soon as I answered that something was wrong and this is where I monumentally F£$%ked up. I dropped straight into concerned wife mode asking him what had happened, what on earth was the matter and he broke down. He said he couldn’t do it any more, he missed the kids, I told him that it was his choice and he could see them whenever he wanted. He said he didn’t want to have them at his Mum’s he wanted to come ‘home’. I said that wasn’t possible as I had plans and he had made his choice and he said he had made a mistake and had ended it with OW. This is where it goes horribly wrong, I lost it and I mean lost it big time. It was like a steam train rushing through my head he told our kids 3 weeks ago, has barely seen them since and I have had to manage their emotions every single day and now he’s ‘changed his mind’. I mentioned the pic on FB and he told me she had done it following our telephone conversation and he would remove it, which he did. He got it both barrels part of which was me telling him he couldn’t come home because I didn’t want him after what he’s done. I was so angry and now I regret it so much but can’t turn the clock back, if only I’d handled it differently. I dropped the kids at his Mum’s Monday evening just before he arrived as I didn’t want to see him and he was texting Monday night but I stopped it after a couple. Tuesday afternoon I get a phone call from my DO on my S’s phone, ‘Mummy there’s something you need to know, Daddy’s got a GF!’ I nearly passed out, I asked her how she knew and she said he and S were looking at some pictures on his phone and messages came up from OW. I asked them if they were OK and said we would talk when they got home. I took a little while to gather myself then called H. We chatted about what they had been doing and after a couple of minutes it was obvious he didn’t know so I told him and he asked how, I told him and said I thought he was completely irresponsible and he agreed. He said that he realised he had let the kids down during all of this and it wouldn’t happen again, he asked me if I wanted him to talk to them I said no and if they mentioned it to tell them we would discuss it when they were back home with Mummy and Daddy. He asked when he could bring them back and I said we had agreed Sunday but he said they want to come home but you won’t let me stay so how is that going to work. I said if they really wanted to come home then he would have to bring them and sort himself out. That’s when he started having a go at me about money, the house, what I’m doing, where I’m going, why do I have to make him feel guilty every time we speak. He doesn’t know where I am or what I’m doing but I know everything about him. Why is he bothered about what I’m doing? Since then I have downward spiralled, I went out with friends last night and couldn’t stop crying and had to come home early. I know I need to get busy but just can’t find the motivation. I know I need to put my guard back up and hopefully I will get another opportunity like Sunday but handle it better. I just feel so low I can’t stop crying and just want to crawl under the duvet and not come out.
Me 46 H 39 M 11 T 14 S 10 DO 8 ILYBNILWY 11.06.17 Separate rooms 11.06.17 ILW OW A ongoing 12.06.17 Kicked H out 23.6.17 H came home 20.8.17
Sweetie - you got angry, well that will be because you're human etc...
DB-phooey - you're allowed to make mistakes and if he's serious, then he needs to not think it all gets rugswept. Not that you want to hang him up publicly by his bits (although you might sometimes!) but that changing course is a serious step and - newsflash - it isn't just about him.
Sounds like a) breathing and b) go dim and let him stew a bit is no bad thing. Also gives you time to think about what you really want and how to respond rather than react based on your (understandable) emotions.
If it is just a temp check/word blah moment he's having...he'll do nothing and drop right back. If he is serious, he'll think and realise that it isn't easy for either of you and he'll try again. Then you can do the DB-y thing...but you are NOT responsible for him feeling guilty, only for whether you are smacking him round the head with it.
Me: 53 H:38 T:20 M:14 BD ILYB etc 10/15, H diagnosed severe depression S 1/16 PA 4/16 H filed 1/17
He's bringing the kids back tomorrow now and I am out overnight tomorrow night and Saturday. As much as I don't want to see him I desperate to see the kids so won't have a choice. The thought of him back in the house after more than 2 weeks bothers me a little and his talk of doing stuff makes me feel a little like it's not your place to anymore it's my home, if that makes sense?
I think the struggle for me is not having had a choice and when it looked like I might I blew it.
I am sick of him telling me to stop making him feel guilty, like I said to him only he can stop himself feeling guilty.
Me 46 H 39 M 11 T 14 S 10 DO 8 ILYBNILWY 11.06.17 Separate rooms 11.06.17 ILW OW A ongoing 12.06.17 Kicked H out 23.6.17 H came home 20.8.17
