I see exactly where your coming from. Who wants to fight for a W who being ran throw by some other guy? And when she does eventually come to her senses. Are you still going to want someone who did all of this? In my sitch my W is an EA for the most part, but it was a PA when it started. If those two were still going at it regularly physically, I would have filed the D papers myself months ago. Right now I'm hanging in there due an EA, which might be just as bad as PA. But I'm hoping that the reality by being in EA from a distance of hundreds of miles will make a difference.
Try to resist punching the guy in the face. But its alright and perfectly normal to feel this way. If your W is truly laid up with this clown on your anniversary, while still married to you. Then maybe you should consider just moving on.
Just caught up a bit on yours tread, I can see why you feel that way. I went from really sad to feeling pretty good now Im just pissed all the time. W has not been an adult throughout any of this. First I come home one Friday and poof she's gone. Then she has me believing she did this for us when in reality she was living with OM the whole time. She lies about anything and everything.
I have been a very distant husband but everything she has told me was wrong I worked on. I know she thinks about coming home but she cant hurt OMs feelings (crazy right). I worked my ass off to put her through PA school and paid for basically every last one of her expenses for at least 5 years. Soon as she gets a good job and makes 6 figures she bounces. Now she has to pay for him bc he's a bartender and films church events and weddings (go figure) on the side. But she says he's so proud of her bc he posts pictures of them on fb all the time. Flipping unbelievable.
I know I need to take a chill pill.
M 1.5 years, her affair was before 1 year T 7 Years
Hi I would like to know if the following was unreasonable. I understand that only I know what feels right but still 99% of what I read here I thoroughly enjoy. If you read prior posts sorry, was having a really bad week.
Quick recap:
Wife left unannounced 10-11 months ago. Came home and 99% of her belongings were gone except wedding stuff. She originally told she left so I can prove to her I loved her. I was a distant husband. Maybe weeks after she left I put in a tremendous amount of effort in this. In February 2017 we were doing great, at least I thought. We communicated great. Then in March 2017 I discovered she lived with OM and has been with him months before she left our home. I found out she blames me for it. He's the second coming of Crist blah blah. I begged and pleaded all through much of March and April and part May. I quit contacting her and she contacts me asking if I'm mad, help her with resumes jobs etc, emotional support etc. I obliged every time. She has generally been nice but treats me like Im an idiot. Im tired of just talking like we are friends.
So I told her last night:
I'm tired of you disrespecting me and our marriage. I've held myself out emotionally and sexually for a year for you. You tell me your proud of all I accomplished and wish we were not here. You say you wish OM was me. If you go on this 7 day cruise with OM, I'm out. No friendship nothing, kiss me goodbye.
Her Response:
I just don't know what to say
M 1.5 years, her affair was before 1 year T 7 Years
Thanks Bud. I spent my entire adult life with this woman so it tough. The anger has subsided a good deal. I just felt like something had to give. I can understand if she was ignoring me and cussing me out then maybe it would be a little bit easier. She still contacts me like nothing ever happened so that made it much tougher. Plus her mom called me yesterday to see how my back was and asked if I wanted to go eat there. Constant reminders of W I guess. All our pictures are still up so I guess I need to box them up and put in the closet with the rest of her belongings.
She texted me some more yesterday saying it was not her idea about this cruise so its not a big deal if she goes. These responses she gives me are ridiculous. Its makes my head spin.
We did not talk about divorce but taking a break I believe is the last attempt to R. Talking like friends while she is living with OM is really bothering me. At first I liked it because we were still in contact but its getting tiring, like I'm just a plan B. I feel good physically and socially but emotionally is still in the dumps. My cognitive abilities is even crappier. I have to manage a group of staff accountants and I'm performing on an intern level. I have a huge mental block. I think taking a break from contact is the only way to focus. I like roller coasters but not this one.
M 1.5 years, her affair was before 1 year T 7 Years
I'm tired of you disrespecting me and our marriage. I've held myself out emotionally and sexually for a year for you. You tell me your proud of all I accomplished and wish we were not here. You say you wish OM was me. If you go on this 7 day cruise with OM, I'm out. No friendship nothing, kiss me goodbye.
Is it unreasonable? No, I dont think so.
Does it get you closer to your goals? Also, no, I dont think so.
My opinion line by line: I'm tired of you disrespecting me and our marriage. This line Im OK with.
I've held myself out emotionally and sexually for a year for you. I guess Im not sure what your point is here. This is YOUR choice. What exactly do you expect from her based on this comment? Do you think because you didnt stray, she should be....ashamed? remorseful?....or should she instead realize what a paragon of virtue you are? Im just not sure what your intent is by calling this out.
You tell me your proud of all I accomplished and wish we were not here. You say you wish OM was me. I guess this is OK. Im not really sure what this has to do with anything though. It feels off topic.
If you go on this 7 day cruise with OM, I'm out. No friendship nothing, kiss me goodbye. Again, Im not really sure what youre trying to get at. How is this cruise more disrespectful than anything else she has done. It feels like an arbitrary line in the sand you are drawing. Why here? Why now?
If I were in her shoes, I wouldnt know how to respond either.
Last week was me being mad at the world. Your right this cruise thing is really not a big deal, considering the magnitude of the situation. It is our wedding anniversary so it stings, but we are not even together so again yeah not the end of the world.
Other parts you mentioned I was reaching. Trying to prove to her that I was here for her the whole time she was acting up. I realize that its just fluff to her. Just tired of living the way I've been living man. I've been trying to outlast thing but being a doormat at the same time when she needs something. Something has to give but I chose to make a choice when I was in a terrible state of mind.
M 1.5 years, her affair was before 1 year T 7 Years
Thats why, hard as it is, it is best to not act while in that kind of agitated state. Thats the most likely time to do or say something youll regret later. I do like the concept of your note, but I think the execution was a little confusing, so Im not sure what message was actually received.
Originally Posted By: dale165
Just tired of living the way I've been living man.
I definitely get this. Maybe you really needed to write a letter to yourself instead. Reflect to yourself what you will and wont accept from her and what your reactions will be. This note puts her in position to be 'the bad guy'; youre putting your decision on what is 'enough' onto her.
So I want to ask you.....what will you accept? what are the consequences for the disrespect? Where do you go from here?
