Betrayed Spouse - Round 2

[dale165]

Hi I would like to ask opinions on the last resort of last resorts, going dark.

There are some rumblings that W and OM are on the fritz. She's increasingly trying to contact me more and more but no R talk. She has recently said she noticed changes and is proud of me. She brought that up out of the blue. Like I said before this deal is coming to head soon, at least it appears so. Im just getting tired of small talk with W, I already told her we will not be friends if we D. Im moving back to my hometown if that's the case. She asking if Im still leaving if we D and she says she doesn't want me to leave if we D. Shes beating around the bush on something, just haven't figured it out.

Im just a little frustrated is all, actually very frustrated. I found out I have a herniated disc and will be sidelined for at least a month. Since I moved out here for her, I don't have many who can help. I have to walk around crippled to the hospital to get epidurals in my back while she's prancing around like Pocahontas snacking on twigs and berries (She is a Vegan since last week). Just very frustrating you know? She tells me all about her new found lifestyle while I'm twitting my thumbs.

Anyways, to get back on track. Dark is the next step. Since I can feel a breakthrough is near, should I still listen to her ever increasing stories? This back deal is stressing me out to the point where I have to catch myself before I tell her to STFU and leave me alone. While down, I listened to a popular financial radio show where the host answers callers questions. One caller said her husband is having sleepovers at his "friends" house who happens to be a woman but he says they are just friends. The radio host then said do you have any self respect? This really hit home since I was not listening to this for marriage advice. Whether intentional or not, my W is making me feel like a weenie.

[WshIKnw]

While down, I listened to a popular financial radio show where the host answers callers questions. One caller said her husband is having sleepovers at his "friends" house who happens to be a woman but he says they are just friends. The radio host then said do you have any self respect? This really hit home since I was not listening to this for marriage advice. Whether intentional or not, my W is making me feel like a weenie.

Respect is attractive. Your wife needs to respect you to be attracted to you, from what I've understood. So, if you want her back, I think you need to do things that make you feel respect for yourself. You need to respect yourself regardless. And that makes you more attractive to everyone.

I would say, really, if you want her back, from the sound of things, it sounds like she is going that way. She's just doing it very gradually. I would be afraid to change what you are doing, because it seems to be working, unless I'm misunderstanding things. Ask yourself whether things with her seem to be improving. Don't overlook small improvements. I'd say if you think things are getting better, just keep doing what you are doing.

[dale165]

Hey Wsh, thank you for consistently writing back, it means a lot.

The respect thing has been a problem. I feel good as a man with the exception of letting go of that last rung on the rope. You are right, I am seeing consistent small improvements, just at a snails pace. I just go back and forth with the friend zone thing. I don't want to be friends but I also understand that to R, we need to be "friends" first.

Kind of thinking, myself, my dad, and two uncles have had this same crap. We all have basically the same personalities. Will raise hell in one microsecond but extremely passive and reserved with our wives. Not saying we brought it to ourselves, but basically set the stage for it. Kind of preoccupied with our own projects and not putting in effort to develop that deep bond with Wives.

[dale165]

So as part of the 180 instead of being passive, I ask W questions and try to be genuinely interested. I can see that she appreciates that. Just don't want that to turn into only friends.

[T384]

Hi Dale!

I want to thank you for the laugh when I read about her prancing like Pocahontas... I really laughed out loud

I'm not saying this to get your hopes up but this is EXACTLY what my H did before asking 'are we making a mistake'

Please don't run off to the bank with my advice as I'm emotionally unstable

BUT what I did was respond to let him know I saw the message and I was polite and gave short answers, I did not extend the conversation. He would text me things like S4 needed a new bike tire. I said yes, he will be happy to have his bike fixed. Then he would go on about how it had a nail in it and they were expensive and hard to fix but that he would take care of it yada yada, and I would reply thanks!

So I would engage but not overly, I NEVER asked him questions about his life or ANYTHING. I didn't extend the conversation, I replied to his texts and that was IT.

They became more and more frequent and I continued to do the same *while secretly getting my hopes up*

BUT also reminding myself, he is CALCULATING, not trustworthy and involved with OW.

SO please remember that, remember her for who she has been, not trusting, DO NOT let your guard down. Don't let her think for a second that you're sitting around waiting for her.

If it becomes more consistent you could experiment with continuing the conversation a little bit, and I am by no means saying be rude but just be the busy guy who is GAL. You're happy she's happy and you're happy too. You're busy and have time for people that respect you. She has to earn that back.

[dale165]

Thanks T! W has went from normal W to Kim Kardashian with 3 foot long fake hair to street walker to now hippie. She's out of her mind lol.

I see your in a mess as well. I really hope you get your mind together soon. Cant imagine what your going through. From a mans perspective, his ego is in the way. I know your scared but once you take that first step your confidence will grow. Sounds like you have awesome parents so that's a huge plus having kids!

In the end if it never works with H, you sound like a catch so I'm sure someone's out there jumping at the chance for a woman like you!

[Treasur]

Dale - I've been reading your thread and thinking about passion (not like that, mister! although to be fair sexual frustration is on my shopping list too!)

No, seriously though. You sound like a guy who can do love, honour, commitment and self-restraint. Your W seems to be saying (nutty or not as she might be right now) that somehow she doesn't feel a deeper connection from you. You say men in your family are more passive and reserved with their wives. And you say that sometimes in the past you say no to new stuff rather than why not. Is that a fair summary?

If your GAL/mysterious Dale plans are a bit constrained by your recent injury, could be a time to try really new stuff...a piano recital...opera...romantic movies...emotional things...where is your passion, Dale? what really thrills you and makes you feel like a king?

And respect is a big thing for women, and some of that is about the kind of passion where a man knows who he is and stands his ground. With love and grace, but he isn't afraid of having strong feelings about things that matter to him. Make sense?

[dale165]

Hey Treasur, so weird, what you just described is exactly what we are going to talk about next session in IC!

A short version is that I grew up extremely poor in a rural part of Louisiana. Parents had me when they were 17 and 18 and their parents were broke too. Our version of going out to eat was sonic or burger king every other Friday when my step dad got paid. Never really went on any sort of vacation or traveled. My life really just centered around baseball. That's all I did year round. Not many other hobbies except typical boy stuff such as bicycles, playing in the woods, etc. Parents didn't show any affection or said I love you much. Good childhood though, I have no animosity towards anyone. Actually taught me to be non-judgmental which I appreciate.

In contrast, my W grew up in New Orleans, which is huge on culture. Her dad was big on trying new things. She would tell me stories of them eating at places while sitting on pillows, eating octopus, and traveling.

So with all that being said, I never really changed much from childhood. Of course I do more things because I have my own money but I'm still extremely simple. I think that's where some of my depression came from. My lack of trying new things. I felt like I didn't have much to offer my W so I turtled up. Me and W both make 6 figures a piece so its no like we don't have the money. I'm really not even frugal but I also don't care about material things such as cars and fancy things. I like things that make me feel good and that I can use for a long time.

And thank you for pointing out a positive. My family was big on loyalty and doing the right thing. I was blessed with a terrible guilty conscience. So I'm trying to do what I believe is right by staying faithful and becoming a better man.

As far as passion. I really don't know but Im trying really hard to figure that out. Im passionate about golf, working out, and jiu jitsu. But that's just surface things so I'm trying to become more open to things.

Thanks again for pointing that out! Ive been using this as more of a therapy tool so sorry if I'm veering off relationship talk!

[WshIKnw]

Kind of thinking, myself, my dad, and two uncles have had this same crap. We all have basically the same personalities. Will raise hell in one microsecond but extremely passive and reserved with our wives. Not saying we brought it to ourselves, but basically set the stage for it. Kind of preoccupied with our own projects and not putting in effort to develop that deep bond with Wives.

From what I've read and heard, it's a common thing for men to neglect their wives, and put other things at a higher priority, like their job and their hobbies. That's what I did. You and I are learning. You said your relationship with your wife was your first real relationship. The same is true of my wife. In my case, and probably in yours as well, I didn't yet have much relationship experience. I didn't understand how fragile relationships are, and how it's very important to listen to a woman when she complains. I had this idea that she and I were soulmates, and nothing but death could come between us. We might be soulmates, but I have learned that you have to really "water the plant", or it will die. Because that seemed to be a problem as well in your marriage, I fear for you pulling back from your wife, if you still want her. It's just a continuation of not watering the plant. If the "dried out plant" makes itself available for watering, I'd say you need to water it. As soon as that wall is down, pour in the love. Find whatever hole in the wall to push love through, to make the wall come down faster, but do this in moderation. Above all, though, do what you strongly believe is the right thing to do, and do whatever seems to be working. I apologize for the excessive metaphors.

[dale165]

Hey Wsh,

I totally agree but the problem is I'm getting tired. If there wasn't an OM I'm sure I would be way more open to it. I really want to R but just the way OM shows off their relationship pisses me off. If I didn't have a descent job he would be picking his teeth off the floor. Also I'm stuck on this cruise thing. Its in the teens of September which is our wedding anniversary. I just keep telling myself that that's it. Enough is enough. I've bent over backwards to make this work while she's b@nging another man on our anniversary.

I do see a little progress in our line of communication but its just ridiculous. She talks to me when she's at work or OM is at work or when she needs emotional support because of her family problems. I do GAL but you still have those thoughts pop up. I was happy she wants to talk more but now I'm faking it more and more now. When I think about her its more of me thinking she and OM are just trash.

So with what you said prior, you still think its a bad idea to go dark? I mean I know Im seeing a little bit of results and this takes time but its taking awhile and rage is consuming me. I would like nothing more than to whip his a$$!

Sorry for sounding aggressive, the disk thing in my back has got my mind off track since I cant do much.