(Terry Jones): I think she's dead.

[LoisB]

Hey Everyone!

I almost didn't post this -- I'm 5+ years into this and I can testify, It's hard to come back and post even when something shifts in the situation. It's kinda cringeworthy because there's so much pain documented on this site for me. All my crazy out there for the world to read.

However, something has shifted in my situation, I remember being desperate for any information about the other side when I was in midst of all that pain. So, here goes:

My ex-H has been in consistent contact with our oldest daughter for more than a year now. At first, she said it was like communicating with a teenager -- but she has continued contact and expressed some things to him, which seem important to her in order to move forward.

Youngest daughter hasn't seen him in four years and is now almost 15--she doesn't really know him. He reaches out from time-to-time, but she doesn't want anything to do with him.

My life is in a good place. I'm happy. I'm really seeing how -- had I stayed married and all of this bad hadn't happened, I wouldn't have the really awesome life I have now.

Maybe out of guilt, out of knowing this man since childhood, having children with him?? Still loving him -- but not wanting to be with him as he is -- ???? I don't know. From time-to-time I reach out just to touch base and let him know something going one with youngest daughter, or to even ask how it's going.

I do this -- maybe once every six months or so -- Well, anyway, I've noticed he always responds now, and he usually responds quickly and at least acts if he is happy I reached out.

I had been dark for many, many months and reached out to him this spring with some info about our daughter. He was really responsive and grateful to me for sharing. He also apologized again deeply for all the pain he had caused. He told me he deeply regretted how he had effed everything up and wished he could go back in time. Then, crickets. Seems like he only communicates with me if I reach out.

So, yesterday, I touched base. I had had some dreams about him and just has this sense I should reach out. Remember, we have been a part of each other's lives since childhood and he still feels like family to me.

So I did and what he communicated was pretty illuminating and validating as far as OW is concerned.

He first thanked me for being the person I am, and being such a good mom to our daughters.

Told me he was working on himself, not an easy road. In a bad place and working to get out of it.

He told me he looked forward to talking to me soon.

Then, the best part... He told me what happened was not my fault. And, what he has with OW isn't "at all like what we had and not the better either. Just for clarification. He told me I didn't hallucinate 30 years of my life." What we had was real... sounds like what he has now is pretty empty and superficial and he's not happy.

I would have given anything to know this when I found out about OW... all the imaginings, the self-doubt and grief over having a long, long relationship with someone and maybe not knowing the real person.

This isn't to say he will take any action. He often doesn't, and sits in the muck, which, truthfully, is fine for me because having a really messed up person like him in our lives right now is not something I'm open to. We live a really quiet, happy life about 9 hours from him and I'd like to keep it that way.

But, knowing what we had as a couple was real. Knowing his choices didn't take him to happily ever after, knowing he regrets his choices... I can't say I'm happy he is miserable, but I'm content to know the world isn't as upside down as it felt when he left.

For a long time, he was my rock, my home, my foundation... and, when his behavior turned our lives upside down and made me question my own sanity.

For those struggling with the adultery and hearing about soulmates and blah, blah, blah... It's not what you think. It's empty and offers only the illusion of a carefree life--Know that. No matter how much they may try to convince you otherwise.