Finding my way in the dark - Part 2

[dusty70]

We discussed possibly bringing my boys in to meet and talk with my IC. S14 has seen her previously for some anxiety and ADHD issues, so he knows her (although I'm not sure he wants to talk). I mentioned this to W, and she said she'd like to bring them. I don't know why, except maybe for appearance sake.

)

I discussed this with my IC as well except to tell her that my WW made appointments for my 3 to see a therapist at a time I may not be able to make! Guess I need to discuss this with her.

I also told my IC about the lack of emotion she has shown in this whole mess, she asked me if this is out of character and of course it is. My WW always showed emotion towards everything, she then asked if she was on anti-depressants?? That got into the Bi-Polar talk, she feels she is showing signs of that.

I feel terrible for you S10, I've only had to answer is it my fault question once and all I said was absolutely now is this your fault, this is all on your mom and me(god I hate saying that). MY kids have grown so close over the last couple of days, I guess something good can come from tragedy.

As far as the GAL, I went off the rails for the first two days now I am full steam ahead, I have a new plan and fulling detaching, as tough as it is telling the kids it will become easier to GAL.

One last thing, I have read in multiple post from different people that you need to accept letting it go before you can move on, I am at that point, I think you are close as well. Keep it up!

[sandi2]

When I was filling IC in on our talk with the kids, and how W had zero emotional reaction, IC asked if W is on anti-depressants. I know she's taken them in the past, but I'm not aware that she's on any right now. She definitely could be, though. Is this common, for the WAS to try to dull the emotional pain with anti-depressants?

I can only give a personal opinion. I was on AD's, but I did not ask for them, and certainly not to dull emotions, b/c I already felt dead on the inside......which is another common thing we read about WW's. I do identify with the feeling, however, and how much AD's played a part....IDK. I believe it was more my frame of mind, than the meds. I am on a different type or brand of AD's now, and I haven't experienced the dulling effects.

I have a lot of anger right now. I'm angry with W for doing this, for being so selfish. I'm angry that 3 people have to suffer because of her. I'm angry that she's robbed me of the opportunity to teach my kids about the value of marriage.

FWIW, I think it is okay to feel the anger. It's part of the grieving and processing what's happening. I have encouraged LBH's to use some form of aggressive exercise (like hitting a boxer's heavy training bag) or running, or something to vent the anger.

Your boys are at an impressionable age (all ages are impressionable), and how this might affect their outlook on women or M, IDK. Some things need to be taken in very small doses, know what I mean? Letting them know that D was not what you wanted, is being honest with them. As they ask questions, try to talk age appropriate and without trashing their mother, the best you can....and still be honest.

You can still teach the boys the value of being a man of integrity. You can teach them loyalty, self respect, honor, and all the characteristics a good man needs to hold.

Let your S14 feel his anger, too. He will need a healthy way to vent, also. Both boys will. I am so sorry to see another family in pain, due to the actions of a WW.

I feel like I've emotionally backtracked on a lot of the GAL and emotional stability I've been working so hard on. This is all tied to telling the ki

The boys need you more than GAL right now. Spending time with them is more important. Maybe you can do activities with just the three of you that will get them away from the house a while. If I had had the forethought in time, I would have suggested telling the kids somewhere other than at the house. In the end, I guess it wouldn't matter.

S10 has started to blame himself for the divorce. Poor guy! I told him this is absolutely not his fault.

I would have him see the IC, without either of his parents. Kids will often talk to other adults more freely when parents aren't there. If S14 will go, I would encourage him to see IC on s separate session. He may reject the idea.

[Accuray]

Sorry Holding,

Having your kids believe its their fault or worse yet that there's something they can do about it is the worst. I agree your child should see a therapist who specializes in dealing with children if this is a persistent issue.

Regarding antidepressents and specifically SSRI's, they do not alter your mood or change your personality. What they do is prevent you from dwelling on negative thoughts. You'll still have all the negative thoughts that you would have otherwise, but you won't get "stuck" dwelling on them, they help your brain to move on. That's pretty much all they do, they certainly don't make you happy.

Acc

[Holding]

Something weird happened last night.

A little bit of background first: Yesterday morning I told W I was going out after work and would not be home for dinner (very rare for me). I gave no other info, and told her I needed her to handle dinner with the boys. Later in the day, W got very mad when she found out I'd frozen the overdraft line of protection on our shared checking account. The line is in my name only, and I'd emailed her a few days ago to say I was uncomfortable with that given our current situation. At the time she responded that I could do whatever made me comfortable. So yesterday when she found out it was actually frozen (she was trying to buy something), she sent me about 10 angry texts saying this was unbelievable, ridiculous, "I'm really pissed", "I'm not going to run up the debt", etc. I reminded her that she left it up to me, and that's all I said.

So anyway, let's get to the weird part...

When I got home last night after going out, she knocked on my bedroom door. I opened it and she asked if she could come in to talk. I let her in and she took a seat by the window. I stood about 6 feet away.

She seemed different, somber, maybe a little down. She asked, "What do you want from me?"

I was irritated by her question. I wanted to say "I want you the F out of our lives", but a little voice in my head stopped me. Instead I said, "I think you know what I want, what I wanted. Do you really need to ask me that?"

She said, "No, I guess not." Then she paused. After a moment she said "Everyone in my family is mad at me."

She was talking about her side of the family - her parents, brother, and sister. And I'm sure this is absolutely true, because I've known all along that none of them supported her in this. They all told her to work on the MR. FIL actually called me a few days ago to say that he and his wife weren't happy with what was happening.

I didn't respond to what she said about her family. I think she expected some sympathy from me, but she didn't get it. She sat there for a second more, and then got up and said "Never mind. I just wanted to talk."

I asked her if she wanted to talk about anything else. She said no and left the room.

After she left, I was wondering wtf just happened. It seemed like she was about to have some kind of breakdown moment. I could tell the results of her actions are starting to get to her, and that made me glad. But I also started asking myself how I'd feel if she did want to come back at this point, after everything that's happened. Then I got mad at myself for even thinking about that. I realized this was just a blip that I need to ignore.

[doodler]

After she left, I was wondering wtf just happened. It seemed like she was about to have some kind of breakdown moment. I could tell the results of her actions are starting to get to her, and that made me glad. But I also started asking myself how I'd feel if she did want to come back at this point, after everything that's happened. Then I got mad at myself for even thinking about that. I realized this was just a blip that I need to ignore.

holding,

You're a natural at DB. Hang in there and keep up the good work.

[sandi2]

Great job at holding the line. I can promise you that all she had in mind was herself. She is feeling some heat from her family and she doesn't like it. She expected you to jump at the chance to rescue her from that heat. It was not a moment of second guessing herself, and I'm sure she was aggravated that you did not appear more concerned.

The good new is this: You putting a line on the checking account.....and her family's reaction to her wanting out of the M, is probably the first consequences she's really had to face. (You would think telling her kids would be one, but I have not read about a WW being torn up over their children learning of the D). Anyway, it is important not to rescue her from the consequences that come her way. She will expect you to rescue her, b/c that was a benefit that came with the MR. She has given up the MR, so she loses those benefits she had as your W. In the coming weeks and months, you will see this at play. Beware of her trying to manipulate you, b/c she will want to keep her old benefits, and I think she'll try various approaches to get it.

Although you may not feel strong, emotionally.......you are showing her how a strong man deals with a WW. Good job!

[Holding]

Thanks for the support, everyone. Every step I take still feels like a bumbling failure, to be honest. So it's really great to have some positive energy from y'all.

Doodler, you crack me up. What you said to the OM - oh God!

Dusty, what exactly do you mean by "letting it go"? I do feel like I fully have, but what are you seeing that tells you I haven't?

Acc, thanks for the info on the anti-depressants. And yes, we will get both the kids to the IC.

Sandi, thanks again for the perspective "from the other side." I'm trying to make myself ready to deal with her manipulation. It gets a little easier each day. She explodes via text and expects me to take the bait, and that's not working any more. I suppose more of these "soft" approaches - like last night - are coming.

[Accuray]

holding,

Yes if you look at things from her position, the best possible outcome is that she can do whatever she wants, and you stay available to her willing to do whatever she wants whenever she wants it.

She will try to manipulate the situation to get that outcome. If you think about it, what she's doing is scary, so the ideal is that she can change her mind at any time, call the whole thing off, and have you take her back.

When she starts to figure out that getting you back might not be a slam dunk and you might not actually be available to her now or in the future, she's going to resist that, because its not what she wants, and she will try many different approaches to get you in line, both ranting at you and trying to court your sympathy.

You did the right thing -- as Sandy said, do not be emotionally available to her. What she's doing is of her own making and it is not your job to soften the landing for her. When she asked what you want from her, its a good strategy to say "what do you think I want?", or just say something like "I don't need anything from you at this point" or "I want you to find the happiness you're looking for and I'm going to do the same" but stay far, far away from "I want you back."

Acc

[Holding]

Something I can now share: I've had a L for about a week, and it has given me so much piece of mind and stability. I actually feel like my boys and I might come out of this horrible mess in good shape. As you may recall, W was pushing heavily for me to use her L, who is also her friend. So this past week, W has had no idea that I already have a L.

This weekend W kept pushing a discussion of finances, which my L has told me not to engage in. It reached a point where I got tired of dealing with it and gave her my L's card. She didn't react to it that much. I'm expecting a sh*tstorm is still incoming in the future. About an hour later, she asked me if I was going to try to get primary custody of the kids - a sign she is worried. I told her I wasn't going to talk about it.

Funny thing, during the financial discussion (before the L part), when my wife was discussing how I closed the overdraft line, she twice made some kind of statement like "What if I changed my mind?" It wasn't presented like it was really something she was thinking about, but more like, "even if I changed my mind, how could we make this work since there's so little trust between us?" I think it was more an attempt to shift the blame and try to get me to answer the questions I was ignoring.

Y'all remember the kids' keepsakes W threw away? This morning I discovered she put their baby blankets (the striped ones they get at the hospital) in the pile of "clean up" towels in our garage. I was horrified - we use these towels to clean up spills, animal accidents, bathrooms, etc. I put them aside for safekeeping.

Part of me is wondering if this is some kind of cry for attention. She left the blankets in a very obvious place. The other stuff she threw out sat in bags in the garage for a week.

Thoughts?

[Accuray]

If she says "what if I change my mind?" I think the best answer is "in that case you'd have some work to do to convince me to change mine"

This is all good Holding, and I would definitely try to find any child-related keepsakes she's discarded and put them in a safe place for you.

Acc