Last attempt at sex 8 years ago..... too late ?

[Accuray]

Hi IanH,

I agree with AnotherStander, you've shown the patience of a saint! Masturbation does not deliver the feelings you need from a sex life, including feeling sexually desirable and wanted.

I think the actions you've taken so far are the right ones: be very clear that the current situation doesn't work for you, be very explicit about what you would need to continue.

W can respond to that by rejecting your position, in which case you must carry forward and separate. She can agree with your conditions, or she can offer a counter proposal.

If she agrees, she must indicate that with action, not words, so I would let her know that you'll need to see "X" specific improvement by "Y" date and then hold to that.

The most important thing in these situations is for you to follow through on what you say and to be consistent.

You have things you need and they are non-negotiable.

being so unsure about the future and what future I actually want.

This fear can be paralyzing, particularly to someone who has been in a sex-starved marriage for a long time. It tends to erode your self esteem and make you believe you are undesirable or unlovable.

Believe me, although divorce is not the best course of action it is completely survivable, it is not difficult to find a new relationship, and you *can* find someone with a well-matched sex drive.

People talk about the fact that second marriages have a lower success rate than first marriages. There is lots of speculation about why that is. I believe its that getting divorced once teaches you that divorce is survivable, so you're less likely to tolerate a partner who is unwilling to compromise the second time around, the barrier to exit is simply lower due to having less fear of uncertainty.

I'm not advocating for you to divorce, but you need to be honest with yourself if your situation is untenable for you. If you make an ultimatum as a result, you 100% must follow through.

Few actions in life are as significant or unrecoverable as we fear. Even if you move out for a day or a week to make good on your ultimatum, it doesn't forever change the course of history -- if things change you can come back. Be strong, and make it clear that your requirements will not be ignored.

Acc