Hi I have been married for 30 years. During the first 15 years of our married life I can't say our sex life was very regular but it was exciting, adventurous and very very varied !!
My wife was hit hard my the menopause about 15 years ago. The last time we had sex because we both wanted to was 14 years ago. The last time we attempted it was 8 years ago. As I write this I am amazed I have lasted this long, surprisingly I am someone who is very tactile and have a good sex drive. I have been living in agony for years but I loved my wife and our life together. We tried counselling together, she tried counselling separately and she also tried testosterone treatment... nothing worked... she gave up ... I gave up ... familiar story.
Last week everything came to a head (too complicated to explain) and I said I wanted to separate. Funnily enough in a conversation that she prompted to talk about making a change so she could provide what I needed from her. She was absolutely gobsmacked when I said I wanted to separate !!!
More talking.... she says she wants to change for herself as much as me. I gave her a list of my objectives and she said that they were not unreasonable, she is working on her own. Since then..... nothing (from her).
I am going to try telephone coaching.
but the reason for this post is that I am running out of confidence that things can change and worst of all, I was always convinced I loved this woman to the bones, but now I have made the mental decision that I am prepared to separate if necessary, I am not so sure any more.
I am not sure what is worse the agony of a sexless marriage (I can always masturbate) or being so unsure about the future and what future I actually want.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Hi Ian, welcome to the forums! Your situation is a bit unusual in that it sounds like you are the "walkaway spouse" whereas normally it's the "left behind spouse" that finds their way here. But this is the place for you, we're here for WAS's and LBS's alike! Before doing anything else I would highly recommend you read Michele's books "Divorce Remedy" and "The Sex-Starved Marriage". Also have a look at the SSM forum here:
You'll want to post here rather than there as this forum is much more active, but you might find some of the threads there useful, especially in just knowing that you are not alone in your struggles, a lot of others have gone through this as well.
Quote:
The last time we had sex because we both wanted to was 14 years ago. The last time we attempted it was 8 years ago.
I'm not even going to pretend to be able to relate to that, but I will say it takes a special type of loyalty to stand by someone's side for that long with zero sex, so kudos to you for that.
Quote:
We tried counselling together, she tried counselling separately and she also tried testosterone treatment... nothing worked... she gave up ... I gave up ... familiar story.
So did the sex stop for physical reasons or mental? Given the counseling I'm assuming at some point it became more of a mental/ emotional issue with her?
Quote:
More talking.... she says she wants to change for herself as much as me. I gave her a list of my objectives and she said that they were not unreasonable, she is working on her own. Since then..... nothing (from her).
Do you mean "nothing" as in the two of you are not talking, or do you mean that despite saying she would try that she isn't actually trying?
Quote:
I am not sure what is worse the agony of a sexless marriage (I can always masturbate) or being so unsure about the future and what future I actually want.
Well, certainly masturbation does not fulfill your need for intimacy and closeness to the person you love. You are not being unreasonable to expect sex in your marriage, even after this long. SSM's can be fixed. Hopefully we have some forum members here that have more experience in this and will jump in to help. Until then read those books and keep posting!
I agree with AnotherStander, you've shown the patience of a saint! Masturbation does not deliver the feelings you need from a sex life, including feeling sexually desirable and wanted.
I think the actions you've taken so far are the right ones: be very clear that the current situation doesn't work for you, be very explicit about what you would need to continue.
W can respond to that by rejecting your position, in which case you must carry forward and separate. She can agree with your conditions, or she can offer a counter proposal.
If she agrees, she must indicate that with action, not words, so I would let her know that you'll need to see "X" specific improvement by "Y" date and then hold to that.
The most important thing in these situations is for you to follow through on what you say and to be consistent.
You have things you need and they are non-negotiable.
Originally Posted By: IanH
being so unsure about the future and what future I actually want.
This fear can be paralyzing, particularly to someone who has been in a sex-starved marriage for a long time. It tends to erode your self esteem and make you believe you are undesirable or unlovable.
Believe me, although divorce is not the best course of action it is completely survivable, it is not difficult to find a new relationship, and you *can* find someone with a well-matched sex drive.
People talk about the fact that second marriages have a lower success rate than first marriages. There is lots of speculation about why that is. I believe its that getting divorced once teaches you that divorce is survivable, so you're less likely to tolerate a partner who is unwilling to compromise the second time around, the barrier to exit is simply lower due to having less fear of uncertainty.
I'm not advocating for you to divorce, but you need to be honest with yourself if your situation is untenable for you. If you make an ultimatum as a result, you 100% must follow through.
Few actions in life are as significant or unrecoverable as we fear. Even if you move out for a day or a week to make good on your ultimatum, it doesn't forever change the course of history -- if things change you can come back. Be strong, and make it clear that your requirements will not be ignored.
Acc
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
My wife says she wants to fix things. Its only been a week but so far, she talks the talk but does not walk the walk. We agreed to kiss goodnight.... I have to do that. I started to give her an occasional cuddle.... she no longer recoils but it is still me giving her a cuddle.etc etc
My biggest problem is that after so long of having zero intimacy and believing that I "fancy the pants off of her", I made a decision to separate. In our discussion I backed down and promised to give her a chance (I am an honourable man so I will and throw body and soul into it).....but I don't know that I want her to succeed..... how do you know if you have fallen out of love with someone ?.... is it that I have been so scared I can't trust her ? or have I mentally moved on ?
That's what I mean re : masturbation.... in all of the bad times I just "manned up" and sorted my self out. Not ideal but it is a coping strategy.....now I'm lost. Probably I should "man up" again.... I promised to give her a chance so I must............but what if this is a waste of time and I don't want what she may be able to give me ?
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Really ?...... If my wife says it's her "fault" and wants to change, I should not tell the truth ?
