What should I be doing now? (Filing for D soon)

[Coconut]

25, it's unfair to use my first post against me now... I was in despair, had rose colored glasses on, and described her in that post in the most emotional "period" that I've ever had. There is fact behind what I said back then, but she definitely was no saint and never, ever, ever, ever, did anything to save our M before she left it.

There is emotion that comes with deciding to D, there is attachment to the person that I M, memories of when times were good, but I do not believe that I can become more detached from her without spending time around her, and that's just not going to happen.

I brought up a long grievance list because I think past behavior is relevant in explaining why I felt her non-response to my text was inconsiderate and not due to an emotional response that she was processing.

Me calling her a cold-hearted B had NOTHING to do with the text exchange. It had to do with my hurt that someone could never say they were unhappy or do anything to try and make their M better, and instead have an A, and then NEVER bring up a single R talk for almost a year and a half. Anyone who can go through what happened and NEVER reach out to the other person in sadness, anger, a moment of weakness, is a cold-hearted B in my book.

You justify her by saying I haven't reached out to her either, and that is true, but do you know why? Right before we sold the house and S, I told her two things I would need her to do before I would try working on us:

1) go NC with OM
2) agree to transparency

She knew and understood what I would need, so until she did those things there was/is no reason for me to contact her (although I did several times in despair/anger/sadness). The balls in her court so to speak. And as I said earlier, even if she went NC today, I wouldn't move forward for 6 months to a year to see what she fills that void with (I don't want to fill a void, I would want someone who is already whole).

You say to dig deeper as to why I want to D now.. I am not sure how much I need or want to invest into understanding why I want to file, when I do know that I am ready and want to. If you can share why you are filing maybe i'll have a better understanding of what there is to gain in getting to the root cause of that desire, cause I just don't see anything to gain into me trying to explore it further. Is it just so I can prove that I'm not doing it for a reaction from her?

It is true that she has never brought up D, and even said it's not what she wants when I brought it up, but she's never ever never ever never ever said what she does want. Just because she says she Doesn't want to divorce, doesn't mean she wants something else.

I've spent the last year with the mindset that I'm going to D unless she decides that my 2 conditions are worth trying to make "us" work. I tried to start the D paperwork in January, I told her I was going to, but when I started filling out the paperwork I realized I wasn't ready, and put it off. I started looking into it again in June and realized I wasn't ready, so I put it off.

I ended my last thread and started this one mentioning I was going to file soon (before any texts between us). I realize the emotions that being ready to file is what affected my decision to lash out at wife about her friends behavior.

PS - I do see a lot of explaining and defending in my last few posts, I see this often in new visitors posts. I don't think I'm doing it with blinders on, but again, I know it's hard to see the forest through the trees. Please don't take my response(s) as though I don't appreciate your input. Thinking through my responses helps me process things in my head.