Hi Ian, welcome to the forums! Your situation is a bit unusual in that it sounds like you are the "walkaway spouse" whereas normally it's the "left behind spouse" that finds their way here. But this is the place for you, we're here for WAS's and LBS's alike! Before doing anything else I would highly recommend you read Michele's books "Divorce Remedy" and "The Sex-Starved Marriage". Also have a look at the SSM forum here:
You'll want to post here rather than there as this forum is much more active, but you might find some of the threads there useful, especially in just knowing that you are not alone in your struggles, a lot of others have gone through this as well.
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The last time we had sex because we both wanted to was 14 years ago. The last time we attempted it was 8 years ago.
I'm not even going to pretend to be able to relate to that, but I will say it takes a special type of loyalty to stand by someone's side for that long with zero sex, so kudos to you for that.
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We tried counselling together, she tried counselling separately and she also tried testosterone treatment... nothing worked... she gave up ... I gave up ... familiar story.
So did the sex stop for physical reasons or mental? Given the counseling I'm assuming at some point it became more of a mental/ emotional issue with her?
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More talking.... she says she wants to change for herself as much as me. I gave her a list of my objectives and she said that they were not unreasonable, she is working on her own. Since then..... nothing (from her).
Do you mean "nothing" as in the two of you are not talking, or do you mean that despite saying she would try that she isn't actually trying?
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I am not sure what is worse the agony of a sexless marriage (I can always masturbate) or being so unsure about the future and what future I actually want.
Well, certainly masturbation does not fulfill your need for intimacy and closeness to the person you love. You are not being unreasonable to expect sex in your marriage, even after this long. SSM's can be fixed. Hopefully we have some forum members here that have more experience in this and will jump in to help. Until then read those books and keep posting!
