Limerence and My Situation 2

[Parkema]

Hello All,

I have recently read a thread of someone standing for his marriage for the past 11 years and it really hit home, I’m at a point in my DR’ing where I feel I can’t see a successful resolution to my situation.
For me as anybody knows who’s been keeping up with my sitch a successful resolution would be for my WW and I to reconcile, after 8-months and me having to live separately from my family I don’t see this happening.

In the early stages I found detachment really hard as part of my method for manging this was to be able to show WW a new and improved me doing all MWD would suggest, over the months I have got better at this BUT her R with the AP/LO seems to be getting stronger and stronger. This is very disheartening and wonder if anybody else has noticed this cycle BUT still resulted in reconciliation and piecing of their M?

I have now started looking at myself and where I feel have caused our M to break down.
1. Taking her for granted – basically I felt as most on here would that I would never be in this position so didn’t really work at making her feel happy. I probably detached better whilst in my M than when I’m separated…
2. Intimacy – I can’t believe this but we possibly didn’t get intimate enough! Unfortunately as a Mr Nice Guy I would typically do anything to avoid disappointment and failure, this possibly materialised with me feeling if I intimated sex and she would turn me down I saw that as a failure and this in turn prevented me from taking the lead in the bedroom department. Typically we would have had sex at least once a week and our duvet days were some of the best days of OUR lives!
3. Mr Nice Guy – this is so clear to me now, for example disciplining the boys I would leave to her and she hated being the nasty parent in the R also little things like going to the bar or counter to order and pay, not exactly manly and due to this and others she would feel she had to be the head of the family and in turn challenge me at every opportunity. Respect soon disappeared as well has the love. I have invested a lot of time into this subject and have started a thread on these boards but is quite hard to change habits that have been instilled in me since my Dad died when I was 7.
4. Communication – believe it or not I don’t communicate that well. Anyone who knows the ColourWorks method of people management will understand this: my wife is a yellow person and possibly slightly narcissistic, yellow people are very extrovert and outgoing. I on the other hand am a blue person, cold, calculating and very systematic! As you can see almost chalk and cheese, did she want someone who could “hold a room”?

Don’t get me wrong I hold 50% of the responsibility for our M ending but am in a place where I can rectify my issues and now that you know where I fell down could I ask for your advice as to how I can get better at the above failings?

I continue to:
• Have NC except the drop-off and pick-up times. I never email, text or call unless absolutely necessary (emergencies).
• Work on me physically, intellectually, emotionally and spiritually.
• Smile, basically at EVERY opportunity I emit a friendly, warm welcoming and confident individual who’s happy in his own skin. I will continue to be a safe place for my WW if and when she needs it but don’t see this happening any time soon.
• GAL especially with my children, I walk well hike now a lot and continue to play football every week. Everything else revolves around the boys.

I’m feeling defeated and see no positivity in my situation but know this is not going to happen overnight and patients is key BUT without signs of some kind of improvement I feel totally deflated.

Struggling.

Mark.