WAW, is there hope?

[KGuy]

Thanks 25yearsmlc, your observations make me think about my situation from a unbias viewpoint.

I would not keep digging into the "w is in weaning withdrawal" as the reason for your marital problems.

While it MAY be a small factor I think you are letting yourself off the hook almost completely and here's the thing

if you were a perfect h, you would now be powerless to improve things or change the dynamic,

I'll be the first one to say I'm not perfect and i am definitely powerless to change the dynamic or improve the R.

Actually, I am quite sure weaning is a factor for the divorce, but i agree it is not a factor in our M problems which are substantial. However, let me be clear that i am quite sure it accentuated the underlying issues. When i look at the actions in all three cases of serious talk of ending the MR or actual D proceedings (three kids of hers at the same stage and the timing of my W's last divorce), the signs point to it being a major factor in the final decision even though the underlying issues are very different (for the other M that is). If anything, I'm looking at this as a reason why my W's actions to end our M could be forgiven, certainly not letting me off the hook for things i can improve within myself.

so in very real way, it's GOOD NEWS that you have your own work to do. And you do.

Well, i'm not so sure about the good news part, but i do welcome the time for re-evaluating this M and myself.

You have a way of not seeing your role in a major issue which is that almost all of the problems you list in your first post are ongoing & never addressed in ways that require genuine change in your behavior.

I agree, there are a large number of issues listed that are not resolved.
Clearly i have stated i have issues. I own that and work on that even prior to these events i list as well as the M. She also has issues and not just the weaning issues. More-ever, we have issues on each of our issues and the spiral goes on. When we were in MC this time, she refused to compromise at all. The previous time we were in MC she would implement change to a mutually agreed compromise and it would be good for while, but then she would revert back to previous behavior. During our R, I have always been the one to yield and instigate change to patch any bumpy parts of our R. mind you there are some things i would not yield on and held my ground, but i would always be the one to find the common ground where we could live in better harmony. I think i've now become resentful of that and refused to just give in once i realized the list of compromised demands wouldn't relent. In any case, i can only work on me now, and , as you point out, there is plenty to do. On the other hand, i like parts of me just fine.

It's as if you believe changing on your end means "Losing".

When I am the only one doing any changes, then yes, i do feel like i am the loser in this. I have been giving in to her needs this time and two years ago because she is the mother of my children and i wanted to do things that we mutually wanted which would make her smile again keep her and the kids happy. In between i have changed/compromised plenty of times, i just didn't list those in my summary above because thoe weren't related to the downfall.

Marriage is not a war.

No, but Divorce is and thats what she filed. The way i see it, she took my children similar to how Germany took most of Europe. At least it wan't like the previous M where it was more like Pearl Harbor. I am prepared for war when it comes to taking my kids away or even throwing them to the pits of divorce where they are now at a disadvantage.

Growing up, How were conflicts in your family worked out?

What did forgiveness look like, or

was there much forgiveness shown in your childhood?

I grew up in a Christian family. My Mother was a teacher and the perfect model of forgiveness. My parents were good role models and never argued in front of us kids and did what it took to keep their marriage alive for 50 years before my mother died. I truly respect that and feel all the more of a failure for not succeeding in not one, but two marriages. Does that answer everything? I'm honestly not sure, but i hope it did.

I must admit i have a big problem when it comes to forgiving others which have wronged me. Especially when I've been wronged at a life changing level. In my M, there are many things that have happen over the 4 years we have been M that have cause me to be resentful of not only the W, but her kids as well. I feel taken advantage of and now thrown by the wayside when the need has been fulfilled. I further resent that the W takes funds that we work for together for means to serve her wants and not our M. I blame the Lawyers sometimes for her actions because i know they provide the means, but i said no to my L on a few occasions where i could have gotten down to the same level and it confuses e that she didn't. Being on the hook? i wish i could take her off.

What do you want to work on in yourself?

Honestly, i think my resentfulness has turned to irritation which has been transmitted whether its verbal, body language, or action that could be interpreted as anger. Recently, i have been working on this by letting thing go, or as George Castanza's Dad said "serenity now! serenity now!" Seriously, the serenity prayer is etched in my brain presently. I have tried to implement this letting go of anger in all communication, body language when discussing issues with W or any other social interaction as it is all encompassing. I also try to stop and listen more instead of plowing ahead and just waiting for the other person to finish not really listening to what they are saying.

As i said earlier, i have an issue with forgiveness and have tried to be better in this regard.

I still don't think i have come to grips with my Mother's passing. Even before this, i have tried to spend more time with my Dad to help him through his grief. In helping him, i help myself as well.

up until your post, i hadn't though past those three "internal" improvements. I was focused instead on GAL events, trying to get back to things i enjoy doing or that will improve my life in other ways. My focus internally ha been a reflection on complaints my W mentioned in MC as a start and then once comfortable, i would branch out to more changes once i felt comfortable. I'll honestly say though that i prefer stability over change, however, i know there must be a balance. IMO though, she wasn't the best communicator, and most recently when she communicated it was only about the physical changes (she wanted a new house, improvement/cleaning on our marital house, more free time to frolick in the sun without responsibility, different way of managing finances, pay everyone to do things instead of trying to DIY everything, etc.)
I'll have another look at my list above and see where you are getting where its all my fault. Surely i have fault in any interaction whether its good or bad in my R, but i like the idea to look at it from an improvement perspective. you are correct, they are issues that are unresolved. The problem is that most require work as a couple which will limit some progress.

Thanks again for you thoughts, they are greatly appreciated.

Its very late for me so i probably have quite a few typos in here.

Thanks again