Gosh, OwnIt, great (gentle) 2x4 challenging question.
I think I was in limbo for a long time. To be fair to me, I was just overwhelmed by losing my parents and H simultaneously. If it had just been my H, I would have taken action sooner but I was lost in grief for about a year.
Detaching has been a gradual process for me over the last few months, and is has evolved from letting go towards a more active feeling. In the last 4 months, I decided to rent a house by the sea just for me (great choice) and start doing GAL things that were just about me from running to jumping out of a plane. No permission needed!
The next more active step has been to say no to my H's 'chat' suggestion and to choose to go NC completely except via the Ls, 14 days now. It's a 180 for me so by now he is probably noticing and it makes dealing with practical stuff more challenging. But I didn't do it for him in a drop the rope way; I did it for me in a no more WTF or waiting for him to act. I have also instructed my L to take us to Court in a fortnight because I'm done waiting for him to engage with the D he initiated. Again, that's an action for me - to secure my financial wellbeing and put an end to this WTF stage of my life.
If he were with me? (And you're quite right that we didn't sit around just gazing lovingly at each other!) The practical and emotional impact of my father's death and my mother's dementia would still have overwhelmed me, although my H would have helped. Grief is s**t and it would have battered me anyway. If he were here by my side, I would want to rebuild my business and find more joy in my working life so I feel like me again. I would want us to be stronger financially because my income was hit hard in the last two years. I would want to get clear of the post-death/dementia practical rubble as quickly as possible to make space and time for new things. I would want to focus on dreams and new adventures rather than day-to-day practicalities because those things are about life and joy rather than death and grief. I would want to feel strong and grateful rather than battered and grieving. I would want to feel engaged with life and friends and new challenges rather than a zombie observer.
Clever you...I'm going to print this out because you've helped me make a manifesto for what next, haven't you?
Me: 53 H:38 T:20 M:14 BD ILYB etc 10/15, H diagnosed severe depression S 1/16 PA 4/16 H filed 1/17
