WH came back. Piecing. Past the 2 year mark ...

[Treasur]

I think your courage and honesty is a really helpful thing to share, Bluwave. For me, even though R looks inconceivable and I am weeks away from the D being finalised, it has helped me reflect on what I want now as opposed to a year ago. Like you, I crave normalcy because my life just turned to shocking lunacy two years ago and I resent it.

I had to think hard about this a couple of weeks ago when my H suddenly broke silence and wanted to 'chat'. Even a few months ago, I would have jumped on this as an opportunity but I felt very uneasy so, in a huge 180 for me, I took a few days to think about it. Then I said no thank you. I love my H and D is not what I wanted, but I'm tired of the lunacy. Through the D process, I found out some things that were pretty shocking and I'm tired of trickle shocks. I think I'm too tired to even think about the effort required to do what you're doing. My logical brain said that my H wanted to 'chat' and was admitting he has made a 'horrible mess' and said he wanted to 'salvage something'...but he was still as far as I know seeing OW, still acting like a mean jerk with the legal stuff, still lying and not actually proposing anything other than chatting on the phone. My heart said I can't chat to someone who is lying to me and doing nothing in actions, as opposed to words, to earn my trust or show me respect or responsibility for his own choices. I deserve better.

And I know my M is dead, and I valued the innocence and trust and mutual admiration that was core to it. Those things are lost and can never return because my H valued them - and me - so little that he took a flamethrower to them. Even (big stretch) if he were to act like he wanted to repair or rebuild something new, those lovely things are lost and I don't want a M based on fear or suspicion or lies. For me, I would rather be alone or start to build those things with a new man who I don't know has been capable of treating me as worthless and invisible. I want to laugh and love and offer things to someone I care about without feeling afraid or judged.

It's a big step for me to stop wanting, even hoping, for my H to come back but I think I'm just too tired and battered by WTF to even hope for the chance to try to do what you are doing. I thought I would, and I admire your strength, but right now I just want the lunacy and pain out of my life. Your honesty helps the rest of us think well and wisely. Thank you.