Still standing almost 11 years later

[missmyfriend]

I had this under divorced but not done but apparently it is almost a dead forum section.

This November, she will have walked out the door 11 years. I still miss her. I miss having my family together and the vacations and other activities we took together. My young children are now adults. I love my "wife" although we are divorced. In sickness and in health? For better or for worse.

When friends ask me why I am not dating, I don't bother to tell them about standing. I tell them I am not interested. I dont want to deal with drama or issues with my "gf" family. That is true but also because my waiting on also depends on my relationship with God. I don't feel He is done. With me, with her, our children...

If He told me to move on, I would. If He told me, she is never coming back but I want you to be on your own, thats good enough for me. I keep feeling like He wants me to wait.

Trust me it is hard. She was my best friend. When she walked out (and yes there were problems in years past but believe it or not things got better over the previous year but she had already made up her mind) I lost my very best friend. Yes, she was at fault but so was I. Both of us made mistakes. Oh how I would do things differently if I could including how I reacted when she wanted to leave. It has changed me. I deal with people differently. I really don't trust anyone with expressing how i feel at any given moment. I was too open before. Yes, I am guarded. I realized I dont have to share everything. It doesnt mean I am closed off to people. I still show love to others especially my children.

With her, I respectfully leave her alone. We rarely talk anymore especially since our kids are all out of high school.

Just today, I asked her what our daughter would like (for her 25th birthday) because my daughter will not tell me what she wants (dad, you already do too much for me, she says). And my "wife" says "I think she would really like ..."

She is pleasant with me. And thats about it.

I really miss her at times.

[lcause]

This... blew my mind. Is your XW married or in a long-term relationship? I think you are losing precious years... feels so bad to say this

I am sorry for you. For me, this is the worst nightmare I'm currently having at times, sorry again. But at least you have decided to stand for it and you would probably find new company if you desired so. I can understand though. It really shows how much you love her. I hope the best for you, even if I'm pessimistic. Sorry again, thinking too much about my own sitch and this is just... hard.

[Cristy]

Hello missmyfriend,

I am sorry that you are finding your way back to this website again.

Dating is a very personal issue. There is a big difference between moving on and moving forward.

Speaking with one of our DB Coaches will help you clarify your goals. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.

Cristy

Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004

[missmyfriend]

lcause, please do not relate my situation to yours. My W and yours are two entirely different people and our situations are likely just as different. She is in a relationship but I don't base what I do on what she is doing. I consider what Michele has written that you cannot possibly know what your spouse is thinking or what can happen in the future. I choose to focus on me and what I should be doing. Since my W left, I focused on my children since they were pre-teens and one was a young teen.

Regarding missing years, yes and no. I did not want to start a new family or a new relationship. I was in my 40s when this happened so starting anew wasnt a concern. To be honest, I didnt consider marriage until I met my W, even though I dated a lot before we started.

For me, it would be a lot worse to be with someone else just because I miss my W and being in a relationship. It is better this way.

I do love her (I realized that even more over the years since she was gone) but if she and I are never restored, that is the way it is.

Again, you situation is yours. I don't want you reading my story and saying, "CRAP! 11 years! I can't do that." You are not me and I am not you. Anything is possible.

The best advice I can give if you hope to eventually reconcile is to read Michele's books and follow the advice. For me, it helped to be a dad that has never criticized my W in front of my children or even to others such as friends. It helped me to be a better ex husband who is non threatening and hopefully we can at least be friends again someday. The reason I dont think we are friends at this time is two-fold. One is that I think it would be hard for her to be friends with me and not "fall back into a relationship" AND her relationship is threatened by our history, concerned about about us being together again.

Hang in there.

[missmyfriend]

Cristy, thanks. I am good. I think I actually still have one session left from my original 3 session package from ten years ago, lol.

I am actually doing pretty good. I have times when i am sad and others where i am really good.

I sold the family home and downsized tremendously, bought a new motorcycle a couple of years ago, and have some good memories when I took a Route 66 trip with my youngest.

Chat with you later

[Cadet]

I keep feeling like He wants me to wait.

Hmm - my comment would be Standing is not Waiting.

It is moving forward with your life and living it to the fullest.

So how are you doing that?

[BluWave]

missmyf,

I am glad you are here, and thank you coming back and for sharing. I think it is helpful to have someone so much further down the road than most of us to advise us. Please continue to share and let us know what worked, what didn't work, and how you wish you may have done things differently. I imagine you have some valuable wisdom and experiences to share. I can't help but wonder if standing and/or waiting for you W has held you back from any happiness or other life experiences?

I do not suggest that anyone needs a partner to be happy, not at all, but I do wonder how you get along with the mind set that you are holding on to her or the idea of her. Do you have a timeline in mind? Will there come a point when you allow yourself to give up hope?

So I am one of the ones who had a S that did return and we have been piecing for over 2 years. Things are going well, but honestly I have had my doubts at times. I appreciate your story because it reminds me that the grass may not be greener.

Blu

[Gordie]

Thanks so much for sharing. My w filed for d but I am still standing. Like you, if we actually do d the. I feel like I will still stand. As you said every situation is different but I appreciate you sharing and admire what you are doing.

[RR17]

10 years is a long time. I hope it works out as He plans.

[RDS]

Please don't take this the wrong way, but what you're going through scares me. I've only been divorced a week after nearly 33 years of marriage and I am in no way ready to date and I wonder when I will be really over my XW. I will readily admit I'm afraid that in years down the road I will still be longing to have my W back and may miss that someone special that could make me happy to be a man again. But if you're in a calm place then that is a bonus.