Not sure what I have

[Guzzard]

You say she should have let you know, but ask yourself what would you have done had you known? I suspect she was wondering this and glossed it over because she suspected you couldn't handle it. I notice you were together for quite a while before you finally married. Who drove that timeframe? Being that you were together for longer than you were married, you had to notice this behavior prior to the M, correct?

What I meant by this is she told me about the bipolar, but as she experienced episodes she would tell me she is feeling depressed or feeling hypo/manic... but I didn't understand then what that really meant. I'd ask her if there I was anything I could do to help. In depressive states, I'd often just hug, hold, text or email funny things and she'd always tell me that helps. I didn't though understand the deep darkness she was in because she'd tell that she was feeling better. In the hypo/manic state, like I mentioned, we made some big and somewhat impulsive choices about things always in spring over the years. The two times she walked out on me were both in springs where we had nothing happening. At other times she would just say that the hypo/manic state makes her overshare, have love for everyone, and be more productive, but were manageable. Generally, she'd become very obsessive about something during those times and then it would work it self out.

We both discussed wanting to take the relationship slow and she was okay with that. We dated about 3.5 years before she moved in with me. I admit I probably drove the 3.5 years while she was more ready to move in sooner. About 1.5 years after moving in, she had an EA with an old ex that suddenly contacted her because he just divorced. She left me for a day that year while this EA was happening but came home and that EA ended. She cited the problem being we weren't discussing our future together. This occurred in spring, so I'd suspect during a hypo/manic phase. I was not aware of this EA until recently though. Anyway, we discussed our future and really came together. I decided I was in it with here for M. I asked her to marry a year later, we married a year after that. This period and the first year of marriage were wonderful. She had only what I'd say were mild depressive and hypomanic episodes.

In the 2nd year of M is when I saw the obsessiveness over older men materialize. I addressed it, went with "trusting" her. In the 3rd year, she had the worst depressive episode I've seen her have and as I mentioned this is when she went to the pdoc and on meds. After stopping both is when I saw her inserting herself into OM life, doing special things for him, liking what her liked, being where he was going, inserting herself with OM SO and this created tension in our M. Before addressing that, she left. She "seems" more manic than I have ever seen her. However, like my opening post, I don't really know what its all about. Obviously, I've condensed the story not to get super long

In light of that, perhaps you can understand why she hid it from you yet left the door open a little to perhaps see how much you could handle or even cared to find out. That is of course giving her credit for knowing the depth of her illness herself. With a hospitalizeation and being on medication i would think she was aware of that.

I understand your point and I really don't know. I guess the depths of it is what I felt I didn't understand and she talked about it as if when hospitalized that was a thing that happened in the past and was resolved or that she now has managed. The episodes to this year - to me - didn't seem that bad. I now know differently and understand much more. I didn't think of researching like this because other than the one major depression episode, she either hid it well or didn't have bigger episodes. I can tell you even in her most depressive state ever, her friends and family would never know...she is that good at hiding it.... so I'd suspect perhaps the major episode is the only one I got the full effect of. I don't know if she understands the depth of her condition, only she knows that, from the outside looking in and now that I've read, I would say she does not. We met for paperwork one day after BD. W was in a near catatonic state I would say. Someone she knew walked in and in a split second changed to bubbly, happy, laughing and as soon the person was out of sight back to near catatonic. No idea which was the real state or an act. I guess that is just to highlight the "actress" ability she has. And I only use the terms "hid" and "actress" as descriptive terms, there is no ill will behind the terms, just the best descriptive terms I have.

I haven't seen anything in the people i know/knew personally that really supports this. If anything, the amplitudes of the swings gets less as the individual learns how to eventually manage the peaks and valleys. This management can be many forms, medicine or otherwise. The danger though is that if the swings are out of control, the individual can lose their life due to either risky behavior in the manic state or high risk of suicide in the depressive state. There are also some individuals who have what called mixed states where they are depressed and manic at the same time. These are by far the most dangerous.

Thanks for the info. I just read a couple of studies that were saying as each episode occurs that it leaves damage to the brain that over time will make episodes more frequent and more intense. Also, in the "big" depressive episode my wife had there was some psychosis. And in the week before she left me, she mumbled a few things that I didn't pick up on that suggested to me some remaining psychosis. For example, hearing voices. In my last meeting with her... speech was rapid, conversation was racing and repetitive, her eye color was green instead of hazel (that happened to her often), seeming inability to stay present. Now that could be hypo/mania signs or nerves of meeting about a divorce or ?? but I'd sure don't know.

In researching this disorder, its amazing to me that there are some incredibally talented and amazing people that are inflicted by this disorder. I read in the LBS thread that someone had said that their relationship grew grew by leaps and bounds because of the turmoil of an A. In a similar way, the turmoil of this illness leads to great innovations. The assciated risk taking sometimes pays off and the ideas that the risks were taken for change many peoples lives. There are even some some things I've read that rocked my spiritual beliefs. As for her, it helps her anyway. You mentioned everyone around her is sayiing she is so happy and fun to be around i think i recall.

Is is interesting and fascinating reading. Like you mentioned, some very successful people have been bipolar. Yes, I did say her friends view her as so happy and fun to be around... though I'd say she always did that... at home, she would tell me that I get the real her and when out she was said she was always faking it. Which is true, got me. So right now, with her happy than ever, according to her previous statements to me, it is an act. Or it's not, and what I was getting was the act. Lol, I don't know.

I would view this as controlling. Try and think about it from her perspective.:
You would want only the middle groud?
Are you okay with the depressive states?
but you don't like the time when she feels the best?
I think if she does come back, both of you need to find out how you are going to live with this together.

I didn't phrase that well, what I was trying to say is the effects of the episodes that are damaging to me or our M are what is disrespectful. I agree on the if she comes back part and would intend to do that. She has a past pattern here though too. This same sequence of events occurred in her first marriage and also a later relationship. What has not been in her pattern is to "return" to the relationship so I really don't expect she will.

I would say you are reading into what she is feeling. I think that if you've taken anything out of this, its that you really don't know what she is feeling...

Thanks, yes, you are right. I have a tendency to read into or try to analyze feelings and you are right, I do not know.

Now try and think how you would feel if you had those mood swings uncontrollably AND had outside issues that accentuated it. That was the black box she mentioned.

Yes, I do understand much more now. I can honestly say I wasn't even remotely close before to understanding what she was feeling, I have never been less aware of something than I was of this. I'm sure I still don't fully comprehend, but I'd say I am closer today than two months ago.

At the end of the day, it comes down to:
1) if you care about her enough to wait her out to see if she will come around. I'm betting that, like me and most on here, you do, or otherwise you wouldn't even be here.
2) you honor your vows both to her and God. Since you don't have children that leaves out 3) for you

On here they say this is a marathon, not a sprint, and for you its a very long one I think. I wish you luck.

Yes, indeed, I love her with all my heart and care about her deeply. For me, it really comes down to, basically the heart of DBing, I can only control myself, I need to take care of myself and my responsibilities and life, I can't control her. If at some point she comes around then that is something I need to consider.

I greatly appreciate all the insight and information you are sharing with me. Thanks very much !