Not sure what I have

[KGuy]

Correct, everyone says cut my losses and run. W never really opened up about how it was affecting her, she did CBT and told me nothing I could do to help.

I've spent several weeks reading up on it now. I wish I would have done that when first known, but I can't beat myself up on that because W downplayed it so much.

You say she should have let you know, but ask yourself what would you have done had you known? I suspect she was wondering this and glossed it over because she suspected you couldn't handle it. I notice you were together for quite a while before you finally married. Who drove that timeframe? Being that you were together for longer than you were married, you had to notice this behavior prior to the M, correct?

Again, there is a stigma associated with this. When you research the illness, you'll find that there are quite a few people that are (or were) famous that are diagnosed with this illness, yet they don't come out of the closet so to speak until they have been well established and quite frankly can withstand any critisisms. Doing a quick search leads to Linda Hamilton's story which seems very similar to your wife's story now.

Although there are people who research someone they care about, the stigma for the rest of the diagnosed really hasn't changed. Just look at any recent commentary anytime there is some mass shooting. The blame is usually associated with two types of people, the mentally ill and terrorists. Everytime i see any commentary on trying to control mentaly ill after such incidents, i imagine a pitchfork in one hand while they type with the other. In light of that, perhaps you can understand why she hid it from you yet left the door open a little to perhaps see how much you could handle or even cared to find out. That is of course giving her credit for knowing the depth of her illness herself. With a hospitalizeation and being on medication i would think she was aware of that.

I read that the meds basically just keep the highs/lows from extremes and help with psychosis but otherwise it is lifelong.

There is no cure for Bipolar (or unipolar) Depression. There are only ways to lesson the effects of the biological disorder. There are many different types of medicines used. The main one that is specific to bipolar is a mood stabilizer. This is designed to take the peaks out of the mood swings. That has to be tailored to the individual for it to work correctly. Even so, it typically has side effects but is a trade-off on what the individual is willing to do to keep "regulated". Unfortunately it sometimes can also dampen the moods too much causing other issues. Other medicines are sometimes administered that treat the individual manic or deprssive states. Administered incorrectly, these can cause the opposite effects that are intended or can dampen too much where the individual doesn't feel anything or is in an "out of body" state you describe. With any combination of meds comes the greater increase of doubling up on side affects.

It can worsen as more episodes occur if untreated.

I haven't seen anything in the people i know/knew personally that really supports this. If anything, the amplitudes of the swings gets less as the individual learns how to eventually manage the peaks and valleys. This management can be many forms, medicine or otherwise. The danger though is that if the swings are out of control, the individual can lose their life due to either risky behavior in the manic state or high risk of suicide in the depressive state. There are also some individuals who have what called mixed states where they are depressed and manic at the same time. These are by far the most dangerous.

Please feel free to go on about it. It is helpful and interesting. I have been reading about it intently and it has provided a distraction. I am more able to read it now that the BD is a few weeks further away. It has not pushed me away or pulled me in because the fact is without a willing W, it doesn't matter.

Correct, just treat it as a research project at this point nothing more since she is not willing.

In researching this disorder, its amazing to me that there are some incredibally talented and amazing people that are inflicted by this disorder. I read in the LBS thread that someone had said that their relationship grew grew by leaps and bounds because of the turmoil of an A. In a similar way, the turmoil of this illness leads to great innovations. The assciated risk taking sometimes pays off and the ideas that the risks were taken for change many peoples lives. There are even some some things I've read that rocked my spiritual beliefs. As for her, it helps her anyway. You mentioned everyone around her is sayiing she is so happy and fun to be around i think i recall.

Plus W has said she likes the manias which should have been a boundary because that is actually irresponsible and disrespectful to me, I believe.

I would view this as controlling. Try and think about it from her perspective.:
You would want only the middle groud?
Are you okay with the depressive states?
but you don't like the time when she feels the best?
I think if she does come back, both of you need to find out how you are going to live with this together.

I spent the first few weeks trying to make sense of whether this was a result of mental health or true feelings. I now understand W probably doesn't even now either, so I've moved past trying to explain it. W is in a mode where I would say W currently feels nothing...everything is fake with her right now. I know it because I know W, her friends think W is a bundle of joy and happiness with no cares in the world. I am disappointed in one of her friends that is aware of her disorders, very bad advice came from this friend and I think encouraged the current state.

I would say you are reading into what she is feeling. I think that if you've taken anything out of this, its that you really don't know what she is feeling...

Yes, I've been doing it all the last 4 weeks roughly.

I don't think that will coincide with her cycles, but remember, you are doing this for you right now anyway.

Lol, I readily admit being a bundle of moods myself for the first few weeks.

Now try and think how you would feel if you had those mood swings uncontrollably AND had outside issues that accentuated it. That was the black box she mentioned.

No, I've done the homework know and though I think I have much more to learn, I don't think meds and therapy solve it. I think there needs to be a comprehensive plan basically. Without too much detail, meds and therapy for her I think have to happen, but there has to be more open communication, better awareness, monitoring moods, tracking, ID'ing triggers, etc.

I think as this paragraph goes on you are getting what it would take to keep a relationship together with this woman on just the illness alone. Keep reading about it and try and understand what she is going through.

The same would apply to someone having an affair should she have taken anything to a PA level. There is plenty of threads about that on here detailing precisely that. At the end of the day, it comes down to:
1) if you care about her enough to wait her out to see if she will come around. I'm betting that, like me and most on here, you do, or otherwise you wouldn't even be here.
2) you honor your vows both to her and God. Since you don't have children that leaves out 3) for you


On here they say this is a marathon, not a sprint, and for you its a very long one I think. I wish you luck.


I wish you luck.