lcause, please do not relate my situation to yours. My W and yours are two entirely different people and our situations are likely just as different. She is in a relationship but I don't base what I do on what she is doing. I consider what Michele has written that you cannot possibly know what your spouse is thinking or what can happen in the future. I choose to focus on me and what I should be doing. Since my W left, I focused on my children since they were pre-teens and one was a young teen.
Regarding missing years, yes and no. I did not want to start a new family or a new relationship. I was in my 40s when this happened so starting anew wasnt a concern. To be honest, I didnt consider marriage until I met my W, even though I dated a lot before we started.
For me, it would be a lot worse to be with someone else just because I miss my W and being in a relationship. It is better this way.
I do love her (I realized that even more over the years since she was gone) but if she and I are never restored, that is the way it is.
Again, you situation is yours. I don't want you reading my story and saying, "CRAP! 11 years! I can't do that." You are not me and I am not you. Anything is possible.
The best advice I can give if you hope to eventually reconcile is to read Michele's books and follow the advice. For me, it helped to be a dad that has never criticized my W in front of my children or even to others such as friends. It helped me to be a better ex husband who is non threatening and hopefully we can at least be friends again someday. The reason I dont think we are friends at this time is two-fold. One is that I think it would be hard for her to be friends with me and not "fall back into a relationship" AND her relationship is threatened by our history, concerned about about us being together again.
Hang in there.
Me:56, W:51 D:26,S:24,S:22 Married:18 Bomb 9/27/06 Separated 11/27/06 Divorced 10/6/08 Leaving it up to God