WH came back. Piecing. Past the 2 year mark ...

[BluWave]

Thought I would update. Not much new to report. We are back in Retrouvaille doing the post-sessions. I don't have much motivation to do the daily homework, but I know that I need to. I just crave some normalcy, whatever that means. I try not to make my M and working on it the main focus of my life. I am trying to create balance. My kids and their activities consume a lot of my attention. I have been better at not letting my mind go to negative thinking or dwelling on the past.

We are well past the 2 year mark of piecing and I will say it is getting easier. The triggers fade. Even when I have reminders or think about hard times, I don't have much of an emotional reaction. I feel confident and strong. I feel like my old self again, or maybe better. I say better because I have a resiliency that I didn't have before any of this. With that also comes some sadness tho because I no longer have that romance/fantasy of what my M could be. It also comes with clearer lenses to vision what I want in a M and partner, because I am no longer hanging on out of fear.

I was told that XOW is getting married to her OM2 (or whatever he is). She left her H for my H, and when my H left her, she moved on to this OM2 and moved in with him in a couple months (they each have 2 kids, so I can't even imagine). I don't actually care about what she does, but it does reinforce how full of chit she is in general. Before she had the A with my H, she would boast to our circle of friends that when her youngest turned 18, she would leave her H, travel, and have some sort of glam single life. She told us (and my H when they were together) that she should have never gotten M and wouldn't again. She prided herself on being different than the type of woman that needs a man. In reality, she has always been with a man and was even engaged before her XH. She is needy and shallow (unable to look at herself) and thinks that she can paint some false image of herself. My H and I had a brief discussion about this; all in all, the more time passes, the more he sees her character more clearly and what a delusion the entire A was. Sigh.

So there are several threads here that I follow, and if there were 25 hours in a day, I would read all of them. I wanted to say some things for some of you that are hanging on tightly to a person that is toxic. There are so many similarities in our sitches, but I think (and I have said this before) there are just as many differences. T's threads inspired me to post today because I can see how different our Hs are even tho there are some logistical similarities.

There are different degrees of betrayal and devastation that the S puts on the M after BD. We know we can't control them and if they come back, but it is hard not to try. The thing is, that even when they do come back, that is when the hard work starts of trying to piece. My H's betrayal was pretty big and so it has been hard. However, he has said and shown through consistent actions over time that he is committed to the M, remorseful, and willing to do whatever it takes to make this work. I think the most important element of that is that he is looking at his life long patterns (lack of boundaries and needing others to feel good about himself) and taking the actions needed to change them. He has offered full transparency, gone to IC and MC, attended Retrouvaille, and been very patient with my process and my inability to stick to it. I have had plenty of doubts and wanting to end it in the last few years.

So even given all of that, it is still hard! I can't imagine trying to work through this if there were other assaults on the M during our separation. That would be so much harder to work through. For example, when we were apart: he never filed for D, he was honest about the R with OW (as much as a cheater can be), he took responsibility for it being his fault, he left the house and gave me space, he stuck to a schedule that was best for the kids, he still paid half the bills, and he was there if the kids or I needed anything. He still appeared remorseful (and somewhat pitiful) for what he was doing and he wanted things to be as best as they could. He was active in the therapy we set up for the kids and he spent a lot of quality time with kids during his evenings and weekends. He did not bring the kids around OW and her kids, go on vacay with them, or move in with her (even though she tried all of this). The kids were friends and so it would have been hurtful and confusing to all of them. There wasn't other As. [[[side note, there was a woman at work who had been pursuing him for years (yes, we argued about his boundaries with her then and yes, he now he sees it) and the irony is that OW then was the one "friend" who told me that I was jealous and should not care about work woman. Then she goes after my H. Well during our separation, during H and OWs A, work woman sniffed out his weakness and came on STRONG--texting pics and even tried to kiss him at work--and wouldn't you know that OW was crazy jealous and he couldn't even talk to her about it! What the what?!? Side to side note: OW was not the confident flirt she pretended to be, and she used to cry, keep him up at night, make him hold her, and beg him not to leave her. I say all of this because As are not as fun and exciting as we LBS may think. She needy and insecure and he felt stuck.]]]

At the time all of the above meant nothing to me--I was devastated and furious that he could have an A at all and leave our M. Now during piecing, these things matter. It is easier for me to say that my H's betrayal was a mistake and there were certain things in his character that were and always have been fundamentally good. He was still a responsible parent and put our financial stability first. And even though he was with OW, I do believe now that he was still remorseful while hurting me and the kids. Sadly tho, he made these choices and still lives with the regret and aftermath.

I just wanted to put that out there. My H is not perfect and he made a terrible mistake. He is now working hard to fix the damage. I have to give him credit for that. I also can see how much more damage he could have caused and even in his "fog" he did make some better choices than he could have. Most importantly, he is a recovering Nice Guy and understands his lack of boundaries are his decisions and choices and his alone.

Blu